Solar Eclipses Are The Most Overrated Space Phenomenon

I was cruising around the internet — "surfing" as they used to say in the '90s when everything was more extreme — and I came across an article with a video from the Associated Press titled, "Safety first: How to watch April’s total solar eclipse that will cut across North America."

So, there's a solar eclipse that will sweep across North America on April 8 and the point of the video was to remind people to take some safety precautions when trying to see the eclipse. I'd argue that if you think a pair of dollar-store sunglasses will allow you to stare at the sun, then you deserve to have your retinas fried (retinas are a privilege, not a right).

However, it made me think of my own solar eclipse safety advice: don't even bother to look at it because you'll be disappointed.

Space is awesome. Usually, anything space-related winds up being pretty cool.

Planets? Cool.

Stars? Cool.

Star Wars? Cool until Disney bought it. 

Solar eclipses? Incredibly lame. 

The only thing interesting about them is that they're rare, other than that they're boring.

There was a solar eclipse when I was in college. Everyone was buzzing about it and someone handed me a pair of those flimsy safety glasses that let you stare at the eclipse. They looked like 3-D glasses with blacked-out lenses.

Leonard Nimoy's guest spot in the classic episode of The Simpsons, "Marge vs. Monorail" made me think seeing an eclipse would be an incredible experience.

So, I gave it a go.

I threw on the glasses, craned my neck, and saw the most boring thing I'd ever seen. This is saying a lot, because  I saw the film John Carter in the theater.

Remember John Carter? Of course, you don't; no one does.

What I saw was the regular sun, with a sliver of it obscured by the moon. I know that's literally all an eclipse is, but I wanted more.

If you have to do some arts and crafts to make safety glasses or one of those little camera boxes to see an eclipse, they should be a little more interesting than that.

"But Matt — *pushes glasses up nose* — you need to be in the path of totality to get the whole effect of the solar eclipse."

The full effect? Do you mean that it gets dark momentarily when it normally doesn't get dark?

Wow...

If you get excited about the payoff being momentary, irregular darkness, then your blood must really start pumping when the power goes off.

Look, I don't need fireworks. I just need a little more than one celestial body passing in front of another. I don't think that's a big ask.

We all know this. That's why for one of the last solar eclipses, someone set up an Ozzy Osbourne concert and timed it so he played "Bark At The Moon" during the eclipse.

So on April 8, be sure to make safety a priority if you insist on staring at a rock floating past a ball of hot gas.

Or you could do anything else and not have to worry about ruining your vision for zero payoff.

It's up to you.