Science Determines The Best Of The Breasts, Hero Cop Clobbers Biker, And Bill Swerski's Superfans Anniversary

Hey! Happy Tuesday and welcome to Nightcaps!

I hope you're off to a good start to your week. I was dreading mine because I had to get a haircut, which I loathe.

I just hate the whole song and dance with the chit-chat and the upselling and that move where they fold my ear like a taco to trim behind it.

But this week I tried a new place, and man, what an experience.

I walked in and it was one of those places with a bar. Already, we're off to a good start.

Then the manager — an attractive woman in a blazer, so you know this place is classy as hell — came out and gave me a tour of the place (although the tour didn't yield anything surprising. It's a barbershop; I could have given the tour) and then offered me a free drink.

Already, I was in, and Wahl trimmers had not even touched my hair yet.

I took my coffee (it was in the morning, and I wasn't quite ready to party) and sat down with the barber. He started doing his thing, and then all of a sudden he asked if I had any hobbies. I said I like to play guitar and then — boom — me and this dude were off to the races talking gear, about things like our affinity for the Paul Reed Smith Silver Sky and our shared preference for maple necks and fretboards. 

I swear, it seemed like they did some recon on me before I showed up. If this dude started talking about last night's Flyers game or dropping Simpsons quotes I'd have been freaked out.

Once I was finished and looked all fresh-like, they still tried to sell me a membership like it was some kind of hair-cutting gym and a bunch of shampoos I didn't need, but between the free coffee, the guitar talk, the blazer lady, what a place!

Anyway, it's been a good Tuesday so let's wind things down for the day and make sure yours is pretty great too.

If ranking countries by bra cup size is science, then why was I wasting my time memorizing the periodic table in high school? (Getty Images)

Science Takes One For The Team. Answers Everyone's Biggest And Breast-est Question

I like to think a lot of scientists get into the field because they want to help society, but I also like that a couple said, "Alright, let's figure out which country has the biggest boobs."

According to the Daily Mail, the United States ranks second in the world, tied with the UK, Luxemburg (more like Buxom-burg), and Iceland (more like "Nice-Land"… alright, I'll stop) with the average cup size being a C.

Now, thanks to Frank Constanza, I understand what that means.

The best of the breast turned out to be Norway, with an average cup size of D.

The country is known for its natural wonders — fjords, Northern Lights, large breasts, apparently —  but this surprised me for some reason. I'm not even sure why. Probably because it's so damn cold they're always wearing coats so it caught me off guard.

Anyway, I'm glad some scientist asked the hard questions to give us this info. I also like to picture one dude's wife catching him with tons of photos of various breasts from around the globe and him having to explain to her, "Honey, I swear it's for work."

It's Been 34 Years Since The Debut Of 'Bill Swerski's Superfans'

Saturday Night Live has been in a bit of a lull over the last couple of years, but I just saw over the weekend that January 12 was the anniversary of one of the most iconic recurring sketches ever: Bill Swerski's Superfans.

I mean, few sketches have become woven into the fabric of pop culture like this one. Who doesn't refer to the Bears as, "Da Bears" most of the time, if not all the time?

This sketch was the brainchild of Robert Smigel, who, for my money, is one of the greatest comedy writers of all time. He's got too many amazing credits to list, but he created Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, which should tell you all you need to know. The man is a comedy genius.

Smigel also played one of the Superfans along with Mike Myers and Chris Farley, while Bill Swerski was typically played by George Wendt of Cheers fame.

What I didn't realize was that in the first sketch, Bill Swerski was played by Fat Tony himself, Joe Mantegna.

Classic. I'm just glad the Superfans aren't around to witness the current state of the Bears…

Flyers Fan Takes Puck To The Noggin, Stays In The Stands

I don't like the phenomenon of people asking for pucks and balls at games because I think part of the fun of getting one is the thrill of having it come right at your face at game speed.

Unfortunately, that means it's on you to make the grab, and one Philadelphia Flyers fan failed at that last part on Monday night, but God love him if he isn't one heck of a Hockey Guy.

The Flyers — who will be getting a brand-spankin' new arena in a few years — took on the Florida Panthers and won 4-3, but during the game, a puck went into the crowd and caught a fan right above the eye.

Fortunately, he was alright, but man did he have a goose egg afterward.

It sure looked like someone around him got a piece of that pick before it made contact with his face. And not in a meaty part of the face either. There's not much but bone down there.

But look at that dedication to the orange and black. The guy is just cracking up bracing for what will probably be an unholy shiner the next morning.

It's been a bad week for Philly fans of both the Flyers and Eagles, so it's nice to see a hero in the stands down at the Sports Complex in South Philly.

But he wasn't the only hero on hand. It was actually Dollar Dog Night on Monday night too.

I have mixed feelings about this. There's something I call the Dollar Dog Effect in which the increased sales volume bought on by the lower price results in a drop in overall quality. 

I'm just speaking from experience here, I've had some dollar dogs that were only slightly above room temperature because of this. Not ideal, but after I paid like $8.50 for one dog at a minor league game last season, I'll take any dollar dog.

Well, some heroes at the Wells Fargo Center decided to do some treating and ordered up 222 dollar dogs for section 222.

Not all heroes wear capes. Some wear Flyers jerseys with a French's yellow stain on the front.

And speaking of heroes…

Cop Listening to Cyndi Lauper Uses His Patrol Car To Take Down Guy On Bike With A Gun

I like to take any opportunity to tip my cap to some of our brave first responders who put their lives on the line to keep us all safe, and what a dash cam video we just got from Florida.

According to Fox 35 Orlando, Flagler Country Sheriff's Deputy Christopher Murphy was keeping the streets of Palm Coast safe recently, when he came across 38-year-old Michael McDermott standing next to a bike. 

Deputy Murphy tried to speak to McDermott but he took off on the bike — a wild choice to begin with — and the deputy gave chase.

After a bit, McDermott could be seen trying to pull a gun on Deputy Murphy, who was thinking quickly and used his car to hit McDermott and knock him off the bike.

He then got out and arrested him.

The best part? This was all caught on camera and was set to the music of Cyndi Lauper coming from the patrol car radio.

Enjoy!

I mean, you make that many dumb decisions I think you should expect to get knocked off your Huffy by a police cruiser.

I hope you're sitting down for this one, but McDermott is a convicted felon, and thanks to that little bit of lunacy on his part, he's facing a slew of new charges including assault or battery on a law enforcement officer, fleeing, and eluding, resisting an officer with violence, and possession of a firearm by a convicted felon. 

Nice to see a good officer get a bad guy off the streets, so hats off to Deputy Murphy.

…

Well, it looks like we've reached the end of this edition of Nightcaps, and what an edition it was.

The phrase "instant classic" gets thrown around pretty liberally these days, but if ever there was a time for it, it's now.

Hope you had as much fun reading as I did writing, and have yourself a great rest of the week!