The Punch-Up w/ Matt Reigle: March 8

Another week is in the books, and if you’ve found yourself not having any clue what the hell is going on in the world, allow me to introduce myself: I’m Matt Reigle, and this is The Punch-Up.

From Democrats making fools of themselves to more Democrats making fools of themselves and then still more Democrats making fools of themselves, there was plenty of news to keep track of.

So, enough of my non-one-liner-joke yapping, let’s dig into all the news that you need to know from the week that was…

Not one Democrat overstepped party lines to support a Senate bill looking to keep men out of women’s sports. It’s a shame to see Senators show less balls than you’d see in a girls' high school track meet in Maine.

M&M’s is offering the opportunity to spend a night in the candy giant’s Times Square store. The company CEO said they were "excited to produce a unique experience for fans and also, no, the sexy green M&M will not be joining you for the evening."

Burger chain Red Robin is considering as many as 70 underperforming locations. I don’t know about you, but I’d happily take an underperforming Red Robin over a firing-on-all-cylinders Golden Corral.

A Cheeto shaped like the Pokémon character Charizard has sold for $88,000.In light of this news, I’m entertaining bids for a Funyon I found that kind of looks like Scrappy-Doo.

The Trump Administration plans to put 443 federal properties up for sale. These include the headquarters of the FBI and DOJ, as well as the real estate the administration owns in Justin Trudeau’s head.

Actor Chris Pratt discussed in a recent interview why his faith is the "best part" of his life. He did, however, add, "...aside from being in pretty much every movie, of course"

Lunatic former sportscaster Keith Olbermann wants ESPN to fire Pat McAfee for saying that Canada is a "terrible country" while commentating on a WWE event. This officially makes Olbermann the last man on Earth to still not understand that pro wrestling isn’t real.

Stranded NASA astronauts Butch Wilmore and Suni Williams appeared to confirm Elon Musk’s claim that his offer to rescue them from the International Space Station had been denied by the Biden White House. Both astronauts said they were fine with this just so the former president didn’t sniff them upon their return.

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Got all of that?

Great. Let's meet back here next week!