Problematic Because It's Crap: It's Time To Do Away With 'Sweet Caroline'

There are few things as great as a stadium atmosphere. Thousands of people, all banding together for the common goal of cheering on their team. And yet, it’s a fragile thing, because the mood can be shattered by blasting the wrong song through the stadium PA. For me, one of those wrong songs is one that — for some reason — is beloved by millions: Neil Diamond's “Sweet Caroline.”

Unfortunately, it's my duty to inform you that this song is problematic. The problem is that it's crap.

I know for some fanbases this lump of sonic excrement is akin to a holy hymn, but allow me to explain why you’re wrong.

I recently went to a preseason NHL game between the Tampa Bay Lightning and Florida Panthers. The whole prospect of catching some NHL hockey (or like 60% NHL, 40% AHL) had me floating on air. I wasn’t even that bummed to take to my seat for warmups, wiggle the beginnings of an ass groove into it, and then see that the Lightning had decided not to dress their entire top line of Steven Stamkos, Brayden Point and Nikita Kucherov.

I was enjoying my night nonetheless watching a game with the teeth of your typical Bolts-Cats matchup from the last few years. Then, during a late TV time out, I heard a song start to play. At first, I couldn't make it out. Was it a funeral dirge? Was it some Chuck Mangione playing through someone’s phone?

I wish. It was soon crystal clear that I was hearing the boring, lazy melody of “Sweet Caroline.”

A Toronto Maple Leafs fan sings "Sweet Caroline," which came out two years after the team last won the Stanley Cup. (Andrew Francis Wallace/Toronto Star via Getty Images)

Why Couldn't It Have Been A Funeral Dirge?

Next, I heard Neil Diamond start singing the verses (which no one knows the words to) with so much gusto that I swear I could hear the sequins on his giant-collared shirt clinking together like chain mail.

As he hit that crescendo into the chorus, I sank into my chair as far back as I could go, hoping to weather the tidal wave of douchiness that was about to wash over me.

“Swweeeeeeeeeeeet Caroliiiiiiiiiiiiine,” everyone in the crowd aside from me and my girlfriend (who knows my feelings on this subject. She's heard this rant a time or two) sang. 

Once that was over I still had to get through arguably the worst part of the entire excuse for a tune.

“I’ve been inclined… BAH BAH BAAAAAAH!”

I would rather watch a thousand hours of Neil Sedaka singing "Bad Blood" while wearing mom jeans on The Midnight Special than listen to eight minutes of Neil Diamond singing "Sweet Caroline."

Alright, that Sedaka video is hilarious. Hat-tip to comedian Colin Quinn who used to tweet it out all the time.

As for "Sweet Caroline?

Terrible. Just terrible.

I am convinced that’s the only reason people like singing along to it. Is because of the "Bah, Bah, Bah" and "So good" parts. It taps into a primal, douchey region of the human brain.

It’s like when “Take On Me” by A-Ha comes on (which is a good song at least) and people feel compelled to try to hit the high note.

Let's Give "Sweet Caroline" A Rest

I hate this song so much and I'm convinced I'm not alone on this, yet whenever I say this people act like I’m Ozzy Osbourne and I just finished up urinating all over the Alamo. Like I desecrated some sacred artifact or landmark.

The song isn’t some national treasure. It’s an okay at best song but a guy named Neil. Get over it.

For some reason, this waste of staff paper has become a rallying song for so many teams and schools over the years. The Carolina Panthers have used it. The Boston Red Sox have used it. Penn State, Iowa State, and Pitt have all made it part of the festivities as well.

I've had about enough of this. Let's get some new songs to rally around. They don't even need to be new songs. I think everyone would have just as much fun blasting "What's New Pussycat?" by Tom Jones and going "Wooooaaaooooahhh!" loudly. It's a better song and it's got one of those douchey parts everyone loves to sing.

Hell, pick another Neil Diamond song. The man's a legend. He's got a bunch of songs. Give "America" a try. Let's just press pause on "Sweet Caroline" and we'll see if anyone misses it. I guarantee you would not.

You wouldn't be like, "You know what I miss? Having drunk people yell 'Bah, Bah, Baaaaaahhh' right in my ear holes. Those were the days..."

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