Perfect Crime? Woman Takes Dump On Family Dollar Floor While Accomplice Steals Cleaning Supplies

Guys, I think we've found it… the perfect crime.

Officials in Polk County, Florida — which sits right between Orlando and Tampa — are on the hunt for a pair of criminals that they're referring to as "Mr. Clean" and "Ms. Dookie."

According to Fox 13, Polk County Sheriff's deputies are giving that name to a pair of crooks — a man and a woman —who stole $500 worth of cleaning supplies from a Family Dollar in Mulberry, Florida.

What sets this apart is the coordination involved. You see, it would appear that the woman's role in this operation was to create a diversion, and it sounds like she did a hell of a job with that.

According to reports, the woman distracted those in the store by ripping a deuce on the store floor, while her accomplice rounded up — ironically — cleaning supplies.

They're like the modern version of Bonnie and Clyde… just significantly less classy and with substantially more feces…

A pair of criminals may have devised the most perfect — albeit foulest smelling — crime on record. (Photo by Jakub Porzycki/NurPhoto via Getty Images)

I can't get over how wild this is. I mean, that's insane, even by Family Dollar standards.

It reminded me of that scene in MacGruber where MacGruber created a distraction by sticking a celery stalk between his ass cheeks. I bet these two were watching that movie and they were like "We need something like that." 

I hope they catch these two, primarily because I have a lot of questions.

Like, was there prep involved? Maybe you swing through the Taco Bell drive-thru? I don't know, I've never committed a crime.

Did they draw straws to determine who did what role? 

What ideas did they shoot down to arrive at this one? They must have been pretty terrible for, "rip a deuce on the floor while I grab bleach" to be the gold standard.

But hey, it worked… for now. Authorities are looking for tips, and deputies will surely be hot on this pair's steaming trail in no time.