Panera Designs Bread Bags, White Castle Hosts Date Night, Wienermobile, Giant Snakes & 'Meatball Ron'

Hey there, everyone! Did you miss me? I took a two-week break from OutKick to get married and go on a honeymoon. So it's only fitting that they let me come back for a special Valentine's Day edition of Nightcaps.

So pour yourself a glass of Love Potion No. 9, cuddle up and let's get sexy.

Look, we all know Valentine's Day is a silly holiday created to make Hallmark money and bog down your Instagram feed with mush. And I'm of the opinion that as long as my husband is obsessed with me all 365 days of the year, February 14 doesn't have to be a big fuss.

All that said, I promise that special lady in your life will appreciate a thoughtful gesture today. Lucky for you, I have a few suggestions.

Women love two things: carbs and designer purses.

So why not get both? Introducing: The BAGuette Bag. Yes, Panera made a bag to carry your bread.

"The purse is donned in the beloved Panera green, designed for those looking for a pop of color and a unique touch of style in their wardrobe. At 12” long, the BAGuette is the perfect size to carry one of our new Toasted Baguette sandwiches," the description reads.

Your lady can look like a snack while carrying a snack.

OK, now for the bad news. That bag sold out. After a presale that began on Feb. 7, the BAGuette flew off the Internet shelves faster than you can say "My wife is hangry." Panera restocked 100 again today, but they sold out in about 20 seconds.

Back to the drawing board.

Fancy a romantic dinner?

If you haven't made a reservation at that five-star restaurant by now, you're probably not getting one. But you're in luck!

White Castle is back with its annual Valentine's Day fine dining experience. From 4 p.m. to 9 p.m. tonight, you can treat your queen to a night at the Love Castle — complete with tableside service, festive decor and a special menu.

Our guy Anthony Farris is hooking you up with all the details. Check it out.

If you still don't have dinner plans and there's no White Castle nearby, maybe build a campfire and roast some wieners. Simple, sure. But it'll at least look like you were trying to be romantic.

Speaking of wieners..

Don't be gross. I'm talking about actual hot dogs.

Remember the Oscar Meyer Weinermobile? The giant hot dog on wheels had to be towed over the weekend because someone stole the catalytic converter.

Joseph Rodriguez, a parts administrator at Penske, said the thief really did a number on it.

"There’s like gaskets there that you need to reseal the converter. And then there’s sensors all along that area to regulate the heat and temperature of the system," Rodriguez explained. "Those are all gone as well. They tear that apart to get to what they want."

Imagine calling AAA to come tow a giant hot dog. (Photo by Ben Hider/Getty Images)

The wiener burglar took the parts right out of a Las Vegas hotel parking lot. And because it's Vegas, I'm sure that's not even remotely the weirdest thing to happen there this weekend.

Sorry to the folks who managed to lose the Wienermobile, but at least they're having a better day than these people.

Honestly, just burn down the whole town and start over.

How did my Valentine's Day post turn into giant snakes and wieners? I'm out of control.

Maybe just get her a nice card.

Write a sweet note to your wife or girlfriend (hopefully not both), and call her a cutesy nickname.

Former President Trump always has good ideas on that front. Who could forget his classics? Ted Cruz is "Lyin' Ted." Jeb Bush is "Low Energy Jeb." Hillary Clinton is "Crooked Hillary."

But my new favorite? His monicker for Florida Governor Ron Desantis — "Meatball Ron."

Trump actually denies it, though.

"All of the Fake News is reporting that I spend large amounts of my time coming up with a good 'nickname' for Ron DeSanctimonious, who is obviously going to give the presidential 'thing' a shot," Trump wrote. "They are all 100% wrong, I don't even think about it — A very unimportant subject to me!!!"

OK, in all seriousness, please don't call your wife "Meatball."

Now that I'm reading it back, I realize this column has been entirely unhelpful. But let's be real — if you're waiting until 4 p.m. on Valentine's Day to plan something special for your lady friend, you're screwed anyway.

Here's some advice you can take to the bank: Anytime you forget a holiday, birthday or anniversary, just tell her it's because you're planning something extra special for... next weekend.

That will at least buy you some time.

OutKick Nightcaps is a daily column set to run Monday through Friday at 4 p.m. (roughly, we’re not robots).

Wanna join in on the fun? Send your worst Valentine's Day story to Amber.Harding@OutKick.com or tweet me at @TheAmberHarding.