Paige Spiranac Spanks A 7-Iron In Spandex, Jimmy Carter Looks Good For 100 & Whoopi Goldberg Spews Lies
First Hump Day of October? Buddy, we are gonna have a BIG one today.
How we all feeling after last night's VP debate? Timmy W vs. JDV – who ya got? I'll be honest here, I watched five minutes of it – on the toilet, no less – and then tuned out. True story.
I happened to turn it on right when those disgusting CBS moderators lobbed up a question about climate change because of all these hurricanes, which are apparently coming faster and stronger (hey now!) than ever before.
For starters, that's just not true. Hey, disgusting, woke CBS moderators – you ever lived in Florida? Better yet, did you live in Florida back in 2004? I did, and I can vividly remember getting hit by four hurricanes in the span of six weeks.
Four!!!! One hit us, went out in the Atlantic, did a U-turn inexplicably, and then hit us AGAIN. The climate change alarmists saying things are "worse now than ever before" can kiss 11-year-old Zach's ass. Get outta here.
Anyway, I turned it off right then and went back to watching some playoff baseball. And you know what? I woke up so much happier today for it.
Did they ever ask about the economy? Seems important. Maybe they got to it. I'm sure Tim blamed Trump, somehow. I'm always impressed when they somehow connect Trump, who has been out of office four years now, to this shitty economy. It's wild, but also impressive. Kudos.
On that note, welcome to a Hump Day Nightcaps – the one where we pure some 7-irons with Paige Spiranac and then laugh at some A+ debate memes.
What else? I've got Whoopi Goldberg being quite possibly the dumbest democrat alive – which is saying A LOT – and also Riley Gaines checking in from Pennsylvania. Whoopi or Riley, who ya got?! Trick question, obviously. Easy answer.
OK, enough teasing. Off to class we go!
Pencils up – it's 'Cap time!
An unreal night for the internet & the last day without football for weeks
I know I keep talking about today being Hump Day, and that's because it's a big deal around here. We love hump days. There, I said it. Sue me.
But, today is also something far more important … did you know that today is the final day without football until after Thanksgiving? That's right.
We've officially reached the absolute pinnacle of the sports calendar:
My God. What a tweet. What a perfect, perfect tweet. Starting tomorrow, we get NFL on Mondays, Thursdays and Sundays. And we get college football every other day.
Midweek MACtion? Oh hell yes. It's back, starting next week.
That means we can all either A) build that bankroll starting on Tuesdays now for the following weekend, or B) have plenty of time to take out a second mortgage for the following weekend should things go south in a random Northern Illinois-Miami (OH) game you bet on with absolutely no prior knowledge of either team.
Win-win! God, I love this country. I also loved Twitter last night during the debate. Why watch when you can just keep up via the internet?
Jimmy Carter looks great for 100!
Nancy! A Nightcaps legend doing Nightcaps legend things. So true, too. Hate Nancy Pelosi all you want, but the girl can wheel and deal like no other. She's a magician.
Speaking of magic … Jimmy Carter did it, folks! I teased it Monday when I told you we were somehow on the eve of Jimmy turning 100 despite spending two years in hospice, and by golly, he woke up yesterday and pulled it off.
Now, a couple things … 1) good for Jimmy Carter. Politics aside, making it to 100 – after spending the last two years in HOSPICE – is no small feat. Absolute warrior. No doubt about it, as my buddy Cris C. would say.
That being said … I don't think Jimmy looks great. That's just one man's opinion, though. You tell me:
Whoopsie, Riley & Paige Spiranac, oh my!
I mean, my God. ROUGH day for CBS, huh? First you do this to poor Jimmy Carter, and then you push lefty propaganda during the debate. Solid work!
Look, I've always said I want to live as long as possible. Sort of like Auther Spooner on King of Queens:
Great scene, great episode, great series. The best. RIP.
Where was I? Oh yeah … living forever. I'm out on that. After seeing Jimmy Carter at 100, I've decided to scale it back a touch. I don't want to ever, ever, look like that. Can you even imagine what that feels like? Can he do anything? Can he even lift a finger, much less his head? It looks awful, and I want nothing to do with it.
I want to go out with my head held high – literally. The second I can't lift my head up, I want out. I'm tapping out. No more. Adios, amigos. Time to meet my maker.
OK, rapid-fire time on this first Hump Day of October. Whoopi … welcome to class!
WHATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT?!!?!?!?!? Oh my God. I've found it. It took years and years of searching, but I've finally found the single dumbest clip on the internet. This is it, right here.
Whoopi Goldberg is so full of shit I don't know how she walks straight. I can't believe she just said that with a straight face. These people are so unhinged, and their heads are so far in the sand, I seriously don't know how they survive on a daily basis. I just can't believe that's a real clip.
Hollywood is the most insufferable, lefty town in America. Hollywood elites are insufferable. You all live in your fancy Beverly Hills mansions, make millions of dollars, and then have the audacity to mock "MAGA" folks on a daily basis.
It's literally what The View is based on – mocking Trump and anyone who likes Donald Trump. That's the whole show.
It's maybe the most idiotic take I've ever heard in real life. Hey, Whoopi, you sure about that?
INSUFFERABLE. Yeah, sure, Hollywood doesn't lean left. Not at all, Whoopi. You're right!
Insanity. Glad that pushed Hillary over the edge, though! First female president ever. She beat Trump. She really did it! And all thanks to her Hollywood support. Awesome.
Good God.
Next!
Whew. Thank you, Riley. Needed that palette cleanser after that nonsense. You know how I know Riley's not in Hollywood? Because she's sane and advocating for women's sports. Whoopi's head must be EXPLODING today over this.
Get 'em, Riley!
PS: quick shoutout to the fine folks at OutKick who are way smarter and Big-J-journo-ey than I am for absolutely nailing this San Jose State volleyball story. Amber, AA and Dan are leading the way on it, and it's been a pleasure to watch from the sidelines.
The only San Jose State athlete I talk about around here is swimmer Andreea Dragoi, of course!
We all have our lanes. This is mine. I'm cool with it. I love this class.
OK, that's it for today. Good work all around. Final football-less day until December. Can't wait.
Take us there, Paige!
OutKick Nightcaps is a daily column set to run Monday through Friday at 4 p.m. (roughly, we’re not robots).
You think Hollywood is fair and balanced like Whoopi does? Email me at Zach.Dean@OutKick.com.