Paige Spiranac As Mrs. Claus, Fists Fly At Kroger, Drunken Uber Trip & It's Time To End Drive-Thru Banter

It's a Friday, we're less than three weeks from Christmas, we have ourselves a full slate of NFL this weekend and Paige Spiranac is feeling festive.

Who has it better than us? Nobody, that's who.

Oh yeah -- we also have the most patriotic Saturday of the year on deck with the Army-Navy game set for tomorrow. My goodness. What a damn weekend!

On that note, welcome to a Friday Nightcaps -- where I do my best to power us all through the final hour of the work week as we all sip on our Yetis full of whiskey during the day's final zoom call. Allegedly, of course.

Yes, we're gonna deck the halls with Pageviews Paige Spiranac today. Nobody has the Mrs. Claus market cornered quite like she does.

We're also going to do some shopping at the Kroger and hope we don't catch a fist to the face, and then hit the Dunkin drive-thru on the way home because my experience from earlier today deserves attention.

Anything else? Well, Will Levis' sister, Kelley Levis, turned 23 this week. Feel like we'll end class with her, if ya'll are good. We'll see.

Keep sucking down that ice cold Yeti whiskey and settle in for a Friday 'Cap to cap the week. Let's roll.

It's time to end the drive-thru banter

Look, I know we usually start with the reason you're all here on a Friday, but Paige Spiranac is gonna have to wait a bit, because we need to discuss this drive-thru nonsense.

I've noticed it for a while now, but admittedly thought it was more of a Starbucks thing. But lately -- this morning, in particular -- I realized it's spreading like a wildfire.

The drive-thru banter needs to stop. Like, now. Immediately.

I was in the Dunkin drive-thru this morning with The First Lady and we were in somewhat of a rush. I needed my daily breakfast -- coffee and a nice rogue -- so we pulled into the Dunks line because it wasn't too long. Thought to myself, great, this will be nice and quick and we'll be on our way.

And then it just ... didn't move. We sat in the same spot for a solid five minutes before we saw any movement, and it must have taken us 15 minutes to get to the giant board to make our order. It was insanity, because there were only like three cars ahead of us.

And then we got there, and the lady queued the mic to take our order. That's when I realized why it was taking so long ...

Welcome to Dunkin! My name is (don't remember, don't care) how are you doing today?

Me: Great.

That's awesome. I'm doing pretty good, too.

Me: Awesome.

Yeah ... always good when it's Friday. Can't complain.

Me: Yep.

So, what were you thinking today?

Me: Large peppermint mocha iced, creme only, turbo shot.

Nice choice. My favorite!

Me: Yep. I'd also like --

How about some food today?

Me: Mhm. Yeah. I also want a bacon wake-up wrap with --

Bacon's the best one. Can I interest you in some hashbrowns?

Me: Yep. Wasn't done. I'll take some hashbrowns, too.

You want them loaded?

Me: Nope.

OK! Got it. Have a great day, see you at the window!

Me: Yep. Can't wait.

Paige Spiranac is ready for Christmas

I'm telling you, that is word for word the encounter I had this morning. It was a solid 90-second process.

The First Lady got pissed because she couldn't believe I didn't initially ask the girl how she was doing after she asked me. I said nope, not doing it. Not now, not ever. I'm not there to make small talk.

People who use the drive-thru are generally in a hurry, or else they'd go in.

I don't want to make a friend during my drive-thru experience. I don't want to learn what their favorite food or drink is. I could not care less. You work at Dunkin, life cannot be that exciting. It just can't be. It's impossible.

I want all drive-thru operations in this country to be exactly like the Soup Nazi from Seinfeld.

Order, pay, get food, go. It's perfect. You know who does it well? Chick-Fil-A. Those people are like robots over there, and guess what? There is no smoother drive-thru process in the world than Chick-Fil-A.

Be more like them, America.

Now, let's get back on track and into the Christmas season with Paige Spiranac, who puts a whole new twist on Mrs. Claus:

What a week for the airline industry

Come for the tits, stay for the tips is an all-time slogan. Nobody in this newfound Influencer age does it better than Paige Spiranac. Frankly, nobody even comes close.

Merry Christmas indeed!

Now, let's head back up the sky and check in with the airline industry. For this who skipped yesterday's class, we showed video of a #maskedup passenger wreaking havoc on a Spirit flight because he couldn't wait five more minutes to deplane.

For today's encore, here's maybe the grossest Mile High Club video I've ever witnessed:

What a week for the fighting industry!

Now, I love shrimp, and I love garlic. So, I don't think I'd be that pissed if I was on that plane and it smelled like garlic shrimp for three hours.

That being said, I feel like I'm in the minority on that one because the First Lady (hey, that's two cameos from her today!) is sitting across from me and when I told her what I was watching she legitimately looked horrified.

Also, could you imagine walking into the bathroom on an airplane and seeing a giant ass battery hooked up to the sink like that? The balls on this guy must be massive. Unreal move. Not convinced the FBI's not showing up at his door today now that that TikTok's gone viral, though. Head on a swivel.

Now, for as good as the airline industry's been this week, the lunatics fighting in public industry has been on an entirely different level.

First you had this from our neighbors to the north:

Then you had this from a courtroom in Mississippi:

And finally, we now have this from your friendly neighborhood Kroger!

Barkley, McDermott & what an Uber trip!

Mount Rushmore of grocery stores? Why not!

No further questions.

I'd also accept: Albertsons!

OK, rapid-fire time so we can start doing things that we'll regret in the morning.

First up? Charles Barkley just now realizing nobody watches CNN anymore:

For those wondering, Barkley's new CNN show debuted last Wednesday and averaged 501k viewers. That's awful, for those who don't know. Sad. Come to FOX, Chuck! Jon Rahm loves it here!

Next? Now that we know that Bills HC Sean McDermott was a big fan of how the 9/11 hijackers went about their business, I figured it was as good a time as any to resurface this little gem from Joey Mulinaro:

Hilarious. Joey, by the way, is an excellent follow on Elon's site. He's today's version of Frank Caliendo.

As for Sean McDermott ... what a take. Just a wild, wild take.

Finally, I stumbled across this little story on Reddit today and it screamed Nightcaps:

A bunch of us went to Nashville for a bachelor party for one of my best friends. We’re all Alabama grads (Roll Tide) and I still live in Tuscaloosa but most of the other guys have moved away so it was pretty much a college reunion. 

We hit the bars downtown early and we hit them HARD, and pretty soon every drink was basically just a double shot of whiskey. We were ripping shots and also shooting our shots with every bachelorette party we met (there were a shit ton of them.) It wasn’t even that late on the first night we were there but after drinking the whole day we ended up at Kid Rock’s bar.

More shots, more beers, and somehow in my blacked out state the beer I was holding slipped out of my hand as I was leaning over the railing on the second floor and shattered on the floor below em. 

Well we obviously get kicked out pretty quick, and I decide that Im just gonna call it a night and head back to the AirBnb. I was already pretty f*cking drunk at that point anyway, so it was probably for the best anyway.

Except somehow in my drunken state when I called the Uber, instead of putting in the address for the hotel I just clicked “Home” (I guess I thought the Airbnb was home for the weekend). You can probably see where this is going

I stumble around and finally meet up with the Uber and pass out pretty much as soon as I get in the car.

When I finally wake up I realize that I’m not at the Airbnb, but back home in Tuscaloosa…because I had set my destination as “Home.”

At this point the bachelor party weekend is already f*cked for me so I just I get in my bed and pass out, and wake up the next morning to see that the ride back home cost me $1253.

Take us home, Kelley Levis

Amazing. What a night! Is it on the Uber driver to confirm with the blacked out dude that he actually wants to drive all the way to Tuscaloosa? Maybe. But probably not.

He knew exactly what was going on and saw a $1k payday coming his way. A little dirty? Maybe. But it's business.

OK, that's enough for today. Let's all say happy birthday to Kelley Levis before brother Will gets destroyed by the Dolphins Monday night.

See you then.

OutKick Nightcaps is a daily column set to run Monday through Friday at 4 p.m. (roughly, we’re not robots).

OG Mrs. Claus or the Paige Spiranac version? Email me at Zach.Dean@OutKick.com.