Orgasm Researchers: We Have New Boning Intelligence To Share & It's Going To Blow Your Mind

O-boy. 

The biology department at the University of Texas-Austin has been studying prairie voles having sex and now lead researcher Steven Phelps says his team has evidence that animals "experience a storm of brain activity [amid and following a climax] distributed across 68 distinct brain regions that make up seven brain-wide circuits" when they're blowing out a back. 

I'm going to cut to the chase here because you don't have all day to read about voles banging. 

Steve's team believes that when the voles are screaming "Oh GOD" through their little vole mouths, they're actually forming a bond and that humans are pretty much like voles and human orgasms "can serve as a means to promote connection." 

Human hands gripping white sheet.

To make this even clearer, the orgasm researchers believe reaching the Big O creates a connection, a bond, between the voles, as it does between humans. "First brain-wide map shows how sex and intimacy rewire the brain," Phelps' team announced in its big findings. 

While this is great and all, could we have Phelps do some research on these voles and how the female vole handles the male vole going on a five-day golf trip and whether there's any brain activity that determines why the female vole has to be passive-aggressive about the male going on the trip? 

Hey female voles, cut us some damn slack. We've been out humping it to make your vole life complete while your ass has been back in the vole hole creating worthless Volestagram claiming you're about to be discovered by some brand that will throw enough money at you so the family can move to a 6,000 sq. ft. vole mansion. 

The male voles just want to blow off some steam at the golf course, chase some beer cart vole tail and, maybe eat a gummy and black out while being driven around in the vole cart. 

Do I care about vole orgasms? No. 

Do I care that male voles can't get away from it all for five days without bitching at home when he gets home? I do. 

Hey Steve, let's pump a little of that research budget into things that actually matter.