Olympic Swimmer Banned For Inappropriate Behavior, World's Hottest Softball Player Has A Cannon & Bye-Bye 401k
How's everyone's first #HurricaneDay of the 2024 season going? I guess this one counts for us down here in Florida, but only on paper.
A lot of rain? Check.
Storm surge? Sure. Not for us here in Central Florida – if that ever happens, we're in BIG trouble – but for those in the Tampa area.
Ruined my tee time for the past three days? Triple check!
That's been by far the biggest pain in the ass with Debbie. Hey, Debbie. Enough. We get it. Leave us alone so we can go back to golfing in 100-degree weather like real Floridians. I wanted to golf Saturday afternoon. Nope. Outer bands.
I wanted to squeeze one in yesterday afternoon (hey now!), but nope. Outer bands.
Maybe I'll venture out there later today? Nope. Somehow, it's still raining. Enough. We got it. Time to move out.
If I have to sit in my house for one more day, I'll lose it. My toddler is literally bouncing off the walls. That's not shtick. She ran straight into a wall this morning. How does that happen?
We need out. Now. I'm begging you.
On that soaked note, welcome to a Monday Nightcaps – the one where we mow down baserunners with Brylie St. Clair on this first Monday of August.
What else? I've got Olympic swimmer – and OutKick star – Luana Alonso banned from the village for inappropriate behavior, a ton of content from a loaded weekend in Paris, and we'll also check in on Wall Street before we head down to the homeless shelter for a community dinner.
Don't worry – Kamala will fix it!
Grab you some oysters for National Oyster Day, immediately return them because we're all poor now, and settle in for a Monday 'Cap!
Olympic scandals are rocking Paris
I do love me a good oyster. Although, let's all be honest … do we really, as a society, like oysters, or do we just like the stuff we put on oysters?
Like, I would never eat an oyster plain. Yuck. But you throw some horseradish/hot sauce/cocktail sauce on that bad boy? An absolute delight. Do all that and also throw it on a cracker? Insane. I eat them like chips.
But just an oyster? Come on. Nobody likes that. Grow up. Be adults.
OK, let's head on over to Paris to start today's class. We have not one, but TWO scandals currently taking place inside Olympic Village on this Monday, and neither have to do with gender. Nope.
Both of these scandals involve full-blown women, and also involve OutKick legends! First, you had this little banishment come across the news wire just a few hours ago:
So, here's the deal …
Luana lost last week, announced her abrupt retirement from swimming hours after losing, and then apparently jetted off to Disney even though she was supposed to stay in the Village until the Olympics ended.
Personally, that seems stupid. Why? She lost. She's done. She's retired. You're gonna make our girl stay for another week? Make her sleep on those anti-sex, cardboard beds? Don't think so.
She snuck out, got caught, and now she's banished for good. Well, that and quitting on her team after she lost. Whatever. She's a wild card, and a winner in our books. Personally, I think her career is just now starting to take off. You heard it here first!
Next? How about Alica Schmidt – who was just in Friday's class! – finding herself in the middle of some serious relationship drama on the German track team?
A great day for men with big penises AND Wall Street!
I mean, what are we doing here? The guy said he couldn't run as fast because his girlfriend wasn't handing him the baton? BS. That's why Germany lost the war. Right there. That sort of attitude is exactly why we're all living in a free America today.
For now, at least. Buckle up.
PS: Alica over everyone. Leave her alone. We don't tolerate Alica Schmidt slander in this class.
OK, let's go ahead and empty the Twitter bookmarks from a big weekend. We're gonna let French pole vaulter Anthony Ammirati lead us off, because he's the very clear winner of the weekend after his giant penis cost him a shot at Olympic gold.
During a week in which we debated real guys and real girls, a very real penis snapped us all back to reality. And we appreciate that around here:
Brylie St. Clair is a playmaker, the wokes are coming after beach volleyball and a solid day on the green
Our country is just so cooked right now. You've got stocks in the shitter – except Lockheed Martin, which should make everyone feel great! – and now Nancy Pelosi is putting Joe Biden on our Mount Rushmore.
Meanwhile, there is zero, and I mean ZERO percent chance, Kamala Harris knows how the hell the stock market works, the Trump team can't get out of their own way, and RFK is murdering bears in Central Park.
It's incredible. I haven't watched the House of the Dragon finale from last night, but it sounds like the finale of America is waaaaaaaaaaaay better. Awesome.
OK, let's rapid-fire this class into the final bell before we all get drafted into WWIII. First up? For goodness sake, save us, Brylie:
Brylie St. Clair is putting on an absolute CLINIC for the Texas Monarchs this season. What a show. She was a star at Mississippi State, and now she's a superstar in Texas.
The World's Hottest Professional Softball Player is on a roll right now, folks. Pay attention.
Next? We haven't done it in a while, so let's go ahead and update the aviation list:
You know the drill. In the last six months we've had:
- Alaska Boeing Max loses a door mid-flight.
- Atlas Air blows an engine in the sky.
- Guy in Utah gets sucked into a commercial airliner while running on tarmac.
- Another Max plane gets dinged because of pesky loose bolts.
- Wheel nearly comes off commercial flight right before takeoff.
- United CEO is also a drag queen.
- Virgin flight missing bolts.
- Holes mis-drilled in new Max planes.
- A pair of JetBlue planes collide at Logan
- Perfectly-sane Britney Spears pilots a plane
- NYC bound plane makes a U-turn because of a fire in the cockpit
- Helicopter makes a U-turn four seconds after liftoff, winds up stuck between a building a light pole
- United flight bursts into flames mid-flight
- United pilot patches together a window before takeoff
- Rockies hitting coach pilots a United 757
- Singapore flight plummets 7k feet for no reason at all
- Air Canada starts shooting flames after takeoff
- Prop plane crashes into practice green
Great year for the aviation industry! Surely Mayor Pete will handle it, though!
Finally … the wokes are coming after your women's beach volleyball, and I won't stand for it.
[In 2012] the International League for Women's Rights held a protest in the capital city against gender discrimination in the sport.
At the time, Annie Sugier, spokeswoman for the International League for Women's Rights, told Forbes: 'They are using women's bodies as sex.
'It is all about money. It makes women look like objects and it is a clear case of sexism.'
Hey, Annie – we're on the brink of WWIII, my 401k is in shambles, and I haven't seen the sun since Friday. Can you let us have this one? Is that alright with you? Goodness.
Save women's beach volleyball!
Now, let's go have a week.
OutKick Nightcaps is a daily column set to run Monday through Friday at 4 p.m. (roughly, we’re not robots).
You wanna sit together at the soup kitchen tonight? Email me at Zach.Dean@OutKick.com.