NBA Took The Day Off, Jordan And Pippen Are Still Banging, Cam Newton Doesn't Waste Money & Veterans Get Free Lap Dances
We're getting daytime lap dances, talking numbers with Cam Newton, putting money on Eastern Michigan (but not the NBA) and playing air guitar with Machine Gun Kelly.
Exciting stuff, right? So prepare to hit the bank for some singles and uncork your finest boxed wine...
But first, let's circle back to yesterday.
How'd you spend your Tuesday? Along with the entire NBA, I was off. If you didn't already know, the league does not schedule games for election day. Yes, the league whose player salaries literally average $11 million per season, is of the opinion that frequent "load management" isn't enough time away. These mostly 20somethings also need a random Tuesday in November off to head down to the polls if they so choose.
The rest of us? Well, we conquer the impossible and find a way to vote before or after punching the clock for our 9-to-5's and dropping the kids to practice. Hero stuff, I know.
Keep in mind, voting in most places takes what, maybe 10-20 minutes tops? Can an NBA player not find the time to do so without the threat of missing their 7:30 pm tip off? On the road? OK, no problem. Mail-in ballots and absentee ballots were still a thing last time I checked.
I'm a big NBA fan (don't hold it against me). But I hate this. It's all for show.
Besides, what the hell was I supposed to bet on last night with no NBA points+rebounds+assists parlays to toy around with?
What's this have to do with anything? Well, not a whole lot. But, like the NBA's well-rested gazillionaires, I was off yesterday and shockingly enough, I do not have an annual salary of $11 million. Though I would argue I'm worth at least half that much. Alright, maybe a quarter.
What did I do besides vote - and scream at 6th boys to box out? I coach basketball. I don't just randomly yell things at 6th grade boys. If I did, I'd probably be in jail. Unless I told the judge I identified as a 6th grader. But whatever.
I cleaned my closet and found some absolute gems.
Goodwill will soon have most of the stuff I hadn't uncovered in years, but I did save a few items from my wife's reach and had to share the four best.
(Ric Flair in all his glory. Photo c/o my iPhone).
Yeah, that is most definitely a Ric Flair action figure (don't ever call it a doll). A friend of mine gifted this to me for a birthday several years ago and he and I both intended for The Nature Boy to end up on my desk. But I haven't had it in me to unbox Flair just yet. I can't have him running around unpackaged with my wife in the house. Obviously.
(73 Kolsch, aka "Joe Thomas beer." Photo c/o my iPhone).
This is one can left over from a six pack of NFL Hall of Famer Joe Thomas beers. A few years back Cleveland-based Great Lakes Brewing Company dropped a limited supply of these. As a Browns fan, I had to indulge. I saved one because the can looked cool. Truth be told, they were absolutely terrible. However, the fine folks at Great Lakes make a hell of Christmas Ale if you're ever in Northeast, OH.
(Ahhh Baker Mayfield. Those were the days...Photo c/o my iPhone).
Can you tell I'm a Browns fan? This is from the good ol' days when we rooted for an undersized QB on Sundays rather than one who cranks it in front of unsuspecting Massage Envy employees.
(Best book I've ever read? Maybe. Photo c/o my iPhone).
My kids gave this to me for Father's Day one year and I forgot how incredible it is.
Here's a sample of what's inside, courtesy of page 74:
"My wife said I was immature. So I told her to get out of my fort."
Pure gold.
Have a good, random closet find? Send it my way. Maybe we'll make this a thing (unless we have to take off work to vote). Drop those to me on X, @OhioAF or email me: anthony.farris@outkick.com.
LeBron James, Kevin Love & Other Really Old Dads Need To Stop With The Handshakes
You know what's nowhere near as funny as a dad joke? Really old dads performing choreographed handshakes. Anywhere. But even moreso, performing such handshakes in public and in front of cameras. I present to you LeBron James and Kevin Love from Monday night:
Terrible. Just terrible. These are grown men, both in their late 30s, both of whom are fathers. And they're memorizing this routine like a couple of junior high girls reenacting a TikTok dance. Just weird, man. I have no problem with these former teammates exchanging pleasantries postgame. I'm all for it. But let's cool it with the theatrics. If any of my friends or I did something similar upon seeing one another, we'd instantly be banned from the group.
Bullying 101. Sometimes it's necessary.
Machine Gun Kelly Just Wants To Play Some Air Guitar
We wouldn't choreograph any hand slaps, aside from the ALWAYS acceptable Fresh Prince and Jazzy Jeff...
But we would most definitely accompany one another with some air guitar or piano. That's something Machine Gun Kelly wanted to do alongside Martin Brundle over the weekend.
Sadly, Brundle had no interest in strumming or banging the keys alongside MGK at last weekend's Formula 1 race.
Watch the painfully uncomfortable video below.
The only thing more awkward than that exchange was MGK's all yellow fit.
Quit Pooping At Disney!
As they tell it, ride goers are increasingly getting lighter before they buckle in. That's because they're defecating in the lines while they wait their turn.
Not exactly the log ride park attendees were seeking.
Plenty of people shared the horror of witnessing an in-line dump, including one Reddit user whose story was detailed by Yahoo: At Disney's Animal Kingdom in Walt Disney World, a Guest shared that Disney Cast Members have dubbed a section of Flight of Passage's ride line the "poop hall", due to the number of people who (have gone) to the bathroom there.
If you're headed to Disney, prepare to potentially be inline with a park pooper. (Photo by Joe Raedle/Getty Images).
The article went on to add that an employee said things have gotten so bad, they added a camera for preventative measures. It didn't work: “Let's just say that the attraction I work at has what the cast ended up dubbing 'the poop hall' because of the number of times guests have gone in there and pooped. We even put up a camera and it didn't stop it.”
Our own Joe Kinsey followed the stench and provided even more detail on Tuesday. As you can probably tell, Joe's not afraid to wade through the crap if it means birthing a good story:
As if you needed another reason not to go to Disney.
Cam Newton Flushed Jimmy Clausen's Dreams
From number 2 to number 1 we go, courtesy of former top NFL draft pick Cam Newton. When he starred for Auburn, Newton wore number 2 before being selected first by Carolina. Once he was a Panther, Newton again planned to wear number 2. But there was one problem, incumbent QB Jimmy Clausen already had number 2.
But, Clausen was willing to part with the number in exchange for some cash.
He told Newton he could have his desired number 2 if he paid him $1 million. And that's where it gets good. Newton told the story on YouTube and his response to Clausen's ask is great.
"I said, 'Boy, kiss my ass,'" said Newton. "...People don't make $1 million in a lifetime let alone...I'm gonna give you $1 million just for a f*ckin number!?"
Newton went on to say he thought Clausen was joking until he came back to Cam with a counteroffer of $750k.
"Hung that phone up. I called the equipment manager, I said, 'I'm rockin' with number 1,'" Newton recalled. " I made an oath to myself, I said, 'that will be the last time Jimmy Clausen will ever be heard from in Carolina.'"
Cam Newton and Jimmy Clausen had much different values for jersey number 2. (Jeff Siner/Charlotte Observer/Tribune News Service via Getty Images).
He was right. Upon Carolina's drafting of Newton, Clausen never started another game for the Panthers. In fact, he was the team's third string QB for the next three seasons before being shown the door. Newton was the starter and earned Rookie of the Year honors, then eventually league MVP.
At least Clausen got to keep his number.
Pippen And Jordan Are Banging Each Other, A Ton
Nope, not Scottie and Michael. What a story that would be though, right? Larsa Pippen - Scottie's ex - and Marcus Jordan - MJ's son - are somehow still dating. And the honeymoon phase is yet to end. Nevermind Clausen and Newton's 1's and 2's, Larsa and Marcus are focused on another number - four. As in the number of times they're going one-on-one.
The couple was recently on Two Ts In A Pod with Teddi Mellencamp and Tamra Judge, and were asked if they're still bangin' four times a day/night - something they previously admitted to.
Marcus didn't hesitate to confirm then add to that number.
"It's way more than four," Jordan said.
Larsa Pippen and Marcus Jordan are getting after it like, often. (Photo by Romain Maurice/Getty Images).
Larsa later added: "We spent so much time together, we work out together, we work together. We just do everything together."
Gross (excluding the whole four times thing, obviously).
But since we're here, how about a couple of Larsa pics to keep the fire burning on a Wednesday?
Wait, More MACtion?
From getting action to MACtion we go. And I'm not sure which one's more satisfying. I told you last week that I was all-in on Wednesday night MACtion, especially Kent State and Akron dodging flurries for the right to bring home the wagon wheel.
I put my money where my mouth was and took Bowling Green -5.5 against Ball State. And I lost. Final score: 24 -21 BGSU. MACtion got the best of me and I also lost Kent State getting 3.5. They lost by four!
But if Marcus Jordan and Larsa Pippen taught me anything, it's that two times is nowhere near enough. So I'm going back for more!
Give me Kent State (again), getting 10 at home against Bowling Green tonight. KSU plays in Dix Stadium. Dix!
Eastern Michigan just got a $1 million gift from EMU alumni-turned-Raider Maxx Crosby. So I'll take the Eagles to get another gift in the form of +19 at Toledo.
Finally, give me Akron and Miami of Ohio to go over 41 points.
All of the above lines come courtesy of PointsBet. If I somehow go 0-5 over two weeks of Wednesday night MACtion I might have to bust open the old, warm, dusty Joe Thomas beer.
Las Vegas Is Honoring Veterans With Free Lap Dances
One place you're guaranteed not to lose - especially if you're a veteran - is Las Vegas' Crazy Horse 3 strip club. In honor of Veterans Day (Saturday, November 11th), the club is giving complimentary lap dances to active-duty military and veterans.
(Photo c/o Crazy Horse 3 Instagram).
Now that's how you salute the troops!
In order to be thanked for your service with a no-cost lap dance, current troops and vets must be at the club between noon and 6 pm, per TMZ.
Sounds like a nice little Saturday. Hit the gentleman's club for some college football, toss back some draft beers and have Vegas' finest in your lap at no cost.
Is it too late to enlist?
That Was Fun, Wasn't It?
Hope you enjoyed the ride through Nightcaps. More importantly, I hope no one treated the line like Disney while you waited your turn. It's almost lights out time here - thanks Daylight Savings - so I'm punching out till next week.
Until then, enjoy the best of the rest!
*Nightcaps publishes at roughly 4pm Monday through Friday.
Follow along on X: @OhioAF