There's a Monopoly Movie In The Works And Here's How To Make It So It Doesn't Suck (As Much)

Just when you think Hollywood is out of ideas, a new movie comes along that screams, "No; now we're out of ideas," and that movie is an upcoming feature film based on Monopoly.

Not a film about the exclusive possession or control of the supply of or trade in a commodity or service; the board game.

According to Variety, Margot Robbie — hot off another film based on something you'd find in the toy aisle — and her company Lucky Chap will produce the film along with Hasbro Entertainment. Hasbro of course, makes Monopoly.

Everyone knows Monopoly and has played some iteration of it before. Hell, I have an Iron Maiden version of it sitting on a shelf under my coffee table right now, because I'm super bad-ass. That's why they want to turn it into a film; because everyone knows it.

However, I can't wait to see how they try to turn a game with little to no narrative into a feature film.

Will they make a buddy cop comedy where the top hat and the little car team up to throw millionaires in jail?

A movie that's like a tame version of Wolf Of Wall Street where the Monopoly Guy gets up to some PG-rated debauchery while buying up everything from Mediterranean Avenue to Boardwalk? 

An origin story about the thimble?

There are so many ways this could go and they all seem uniquely terrible.

The only way I can think of to make a Monopoly movie that would be remotely interesting is to make it so it isn't about Monopoly, but instead involves Monopoly.

A movie about Monopoly can't be about Monopoly… if that makes any sense. (Photo by Bruno Vincent/Getty Images)

A Movie About Monopoly Can't Be About Monopoly… Stick With Me On This

Monopoly makes no sense. You play as a shoe or a Scottish Terrier and you buy real estate. If I didn't know that this game dates back to the 1930s, I would've assumed drugs were involved. Maybe they still were. I don't know; I wasn't there.

So crafting a story out of that seems virtually impossible. That's why the story can just center around a game of Monopoly.

We've all played it, and what always happens? 

Yes, a fight breaks out. It's inevitable. 

People start cutting side deals, feelings get hurt, and the next thing you know, the board is getting flipped off the coffee table and plastic houses and hotels are bouncing all over the place.

So, I think the film should be the story of a family or a group of friends that play a game of Monopoly only to start arguing. The arguments pull up a lot of deep-seated resentment of one another. The kind that rears its ugly head when someone buys the last railroad you need from right under your nose.

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From there we watch as the family or group of friends try to rebuild their relationships which were shattered by a simple game of Monopoly.

Now, I think that'll be a hard sell for the Hasbro people. They probably won't be super jazzed about a movie all about how their product destroys relationships. I can understand that. But I guarantee more people would watch this than a coming-of-age story where a cat and penguin try to crack the Monopoly token starting lineup.

We'll see what they come up with.

And by "see" I mean we'll watch the trailer, say "meh," and then never think about it ever again.