Matt Judon Loses Wallet, Colts Player Stages Cringey Photoshoot, Guys Rescue Beached Shark, 'Ding-a-Ling Pics' & A Baby Named Meth

Y'all, I am so tired.

I'm tired of spending so much money on groceries. I'm tired of the Tennessee Volunteers playing bad football. And I'm tired of this clown show.

No, not that one.

I'm talking about the clown show that is our government.

All I've heard about all week is Lauren Boebert getting handsy with her random first date, and it's all so nauseating.

Let's be clear: I don't care what two consenting adults do in private. The only sex life I care about is the one between my husband and me.

But I do care that our elected officials are out here acting feral (and laughing about it) while Americans are struggling. Is it ridiculous that Boebert is taking so much heat for groping a dude in a dark theater? Yes. But is she a public figure who knows full well her actions — in public — will most certainly be scrutinized? Also yes.

And I'm not just picking on Lauren. I'm talking all politicians on both sides of the aisle.

We have people in our government who are too old to function, can't string together coherent sentences and do nothing to serve our interest — all while sitting back and enjoying the benefits that come with being in power.

Sure, that's politics. But does it have to be?

John Fetterman and MTG Feud Over Hoodies & 'Ding-a-Ling Pics'

I cannot believe that's a real headline, but here we are.

As a further insult to the American people they represent, Senators no longer have a dress code. See, they can just roll up in their sweatpants to make decisions that will dictate how your money is spent and how you'll live your life.

I give it six months before Senators' outfits start looking like NASCAR jumpsuits: logos all over from the corporations lining their pockets.

Notorious comfy guy John Fetterman is laughing all the way to the Carhartt store.

And when Marjorie Taylor-Greene called him out on X, Fetterman just rubbed his win in our faces — suggesting MTG is even less professional since she displayed some "ding-a-ling pics" at a hearing.

Ding-a-ling pics taken, by the way, by the President's son while he was making money off his dad's name.

What these politicians (and, I think, too many Americans) are forgetting is that these people work for us. We elect them, and they use our tax dollars to buy their hoodies, their Delaware beach houses and their tickets to the "Beetlejuice" musical

Stop accepting behavior from them that, as a boss, you'd never accept from your employees.

They can lose an $80 million F-35 jet, but the IRS has no problem finding your $27 Venmo payment. You're struggling to make rent, and they're living in million-dollar mansions. You're busting your ass at work every day, and they can't even bother to change out of their pajamas.

And instead of addressing real issues real Americans face, they're too busy dunking on each other on social media.

So America: Stop voting for unserious people. Hold them to a higher standard and don't just get caught up in whether there's a "D" or an "R" after their name. These are not sports teams — they are humans who are making decisions that directly affect the life of you and your family.

And politicians: Do your f-cking job. Act like a respectable human. And leave the satire to us.

Because that's what Nightcaps is for. Y'all got a drink in hand? Let's roll.

Matt Judon Loses His Wallet

One time I was working a charity event at a golf course.

Setup started at the butt crack of dawn, so — being the sweetheart that I am — I decided to grab some coffees and donuts for the folks helping out. But as I'm pulling out of the Dunkin' parking lot, a police officer flashes his lights at me. So I pull over.

Oh, great! It's not even 6 a.m. and I'm starting my day with a ticket.

The officer walks up to my window to find me visibly annoyed and confused about what could have possibly been my transgression. To my surprise, though, he reaches on top of my car and pulls down a tray of four large coffees.

"This would have been a real day ruiner," the cop said.

Obviously not yet fully awake, I had set the tray on top of my car and started to drive away. Thankfully, that outstanding member of the Franklin PD was there to save the day.

Matt Judon was not so lucky.

The New England Patriots linebacker lost his $325 Louis Vuitton key pouch Monday after some "dumbass" named Marcus (Jones, perhaps?) left it sitting on top the car.

Luckily, though, he had an Air Tag attached to the wallet. So, after wandering the highway for a bit, Matt got it back.

I have a bone to pick with that guy, though.

As a Miami Dolphins fan, I panic anytime someone even breathes in the direction of Tua Tagovailoa. Fortunately, the O-line has done a solid job of protecting the QB1 so far in 2023. In fact, Tua was only sacked one time in the first two games.

By whom? The dude on the side of the road: Matt Judon.

Glad you got your wallet back, MJ. But don't touch my quarterback again.

Kylen Granson Welcomes New Addition

He's a tight end for the an Indianapolis Colts, by the way,

People on Twitter (excuse me — X) love to respond "Who?" to news stories about lesser known athletes and celebrities. Because apparently it's too hard to just Google them. And if YOU, personally, have never heard of that individual, they must be nobody, right?

Sorry for the tangent. Pet peeve.

Anyway, Kylen Granson scored his first NFL touchdown on Sunday and he celebrated in the weirdest way possible.

By staging a newborn photoshoot. With a football.

"After 3 years of trying, it's finally here."

Cringey, sure. But that was the point.

Not only did it make us laugh, but now you also know who Kylen Granson is. So who's the real winner here?

No doubt he took some heat in the locker room, though. Just look at the top comments on his Instagram post.

Shoutout to Kylen's girlfriend, Daisy Foko, for being a good sport.

In another Instagram post, Kylen said the photoshoot was his idea, but when he proposed it, Daisy instantly grabbed the tripod.

She also made him a cake. Well... she decorated it.

How sweet.

Speaking of wholesome family values, let's check in on Xavien Howard.

I look forward to his upcoming date with Lauren Boebert.

What CAN'T you name your baby?

Over the weekend, CBS shared Houston Texans kicker Ka'imi Fairbairn's real name.

And it's a doozy.

And you might think to yourself, Wow. Names don't get any wilder than that.

But, friends, I am here to tell you they do.

An Australian journalist named Kirsten Drysdale was on a mission to find out what you can and can't legally name your baby in the Land Down Under.

So what better way to find out than for Kirsten to give her own newborn bundle of joy the most insane name she could dream up: Methamphetamine Rules Drysdale.

"We thought, what is the most outrageous name we can think of that will definitely not be accepted?" she said.

Baby Meth came into the world this summer. And Kirsten fully expected the registrar to reject her chosen name.

So imagine her horror when, soon after submitting the paperwork, the name was approved. She even received an official birth certificate in the mail.

Before anyone gets up in arms about how this is a terrible thing to do to a child, Kirsten and her husband obviously changed the name.

But the fact that no one at the registrar's office questioned it is absolutely hilarious.

"Possibly, maybe they thought Methamphetamine was a Greek name," Kirsten said.

That line sent me. I've never noticed that word looks like something you'd see on the menu next to gyros and tzatziki sauce, but it sure does.

And, of course, there's only one appropriate clip to show you from here:

Beachgoers Rescue Shark in Pensacola

I'm not sure what I would do if I saw a live, 12-foot mako shark washed up on the beach. But I can almost guarantee I wouldn't attempt to wrestle it back into the water while it tries to chomp off my face.

But that's exactly what these dudes in Pensacola did. And frankly, I'm impressed.

After a whole lot of work and nearly losing several limbs, the beachgoers were able to set the shark free in open water so he could continue to terrorize little fishes. And tourists.

Things That Made Me LOL

I know Miles Sanders did what he had to do here, but I really want to see how this would have played out if Bryce Young stayed lined up behind the right guard.

This is me every night. I usually try to close the door before turning on the light (as a courtesy to my sleeping husband). But 70% of the time, I loudly clunk around, knock over something on the sink and wake him up anyway.

Nothing on TikTok is better than that lil' furry face, my guy.

And now, I suddenly need a pet sheep.

And finally, I leave you with this.

OutKick Nightcaps is a daily column set to run Monday through Friday at 4 p.m.

Follow me on X (or Twitter, if you’re still calling it that) at @TheAmberHarding or email me at Amber.Harding@OutKick.com.