Martha Stewart Poses In Bikini, Conor McGregor Posts Thirst Traps, Dog Almost Gets A DUI, Shark Attacks & Beer Ads
What an absolutely beautiful Tuesday.
It's 85 degrees here in Middle Tennessee. The sun is shining, the birds are chirping and everyone is talking about women in bikinis!
Well, men too. But we'll get to that in a second.
Summer is coming, and I'm here for it.
As we speak, I'm planning my extensive beach vacation to the free state of Florida. As soon as I figure out where I'm staying. So if anyone has a vacation home they'd like to offer up in July, now's the time to speak up.
Air BnBs are outrageous these days.
Anyway, today we've got women in bikinis, men in bikinis, shark attacks, dogs driving cars and beer ads.
So tell your boss you're leaving early. Grab yourself one of those fruity cocktails with a little umbrella in it, and let's get this party started.
Martha Stewart Slays at 81 Years Young
If you've got a problem with Martha Stewart, you've got a problem with me.
The homemaker queen has aged with absolute grace, and she is the oldest model ever to nab the coveted Sports Illustrated Swimsuit cover spot.
Life goals unlocked.
Sure, there's plenty of airbrushing happening in those photos. But, fellas, if you think even the young models look THAT perfect in real life, I've got some oceanfront property in Iowa to sell you.
Honestly, though, my favorite thing about Martha isn't the way she looks in a bikini or even her "mile high apple pie" recipe.
It's her friendship with Snoop Dogg.
(Photo by Denise Truscello/Getty Images for Caesars Entertainment)
I've never wanted to have a margarita with two people so badly in my entire life.
Someone even asked Martha what her good buddy would think about her SI spread.
"Snoop is gonna just think it is fantastic!" she said.
Martha also shared her secret to staying young.
"I’m still going to pilates every other day 'cause it's so great," she said. "And I just, I live a clean life anyway — good diet and good exercise and healthy skin care and all of that stuff."
In a world where media are consistently trying to convince us that men are women and that Lizzo is healthy, why would it not be a good thing to celebrate an actual woman who preaches the importance of a healthy lifestyle?
So yeah, when I grow up, I'd like to be Martha Stewart. Aside from the part where I go to prison for insider trading.
Conor McGregor Posts Instagram Thirst Trap
Speaking of people I didn't expect to see in a bikini this week: Conor McGregor.
The 34-year-old UFC star showed his 46.2 million Instagram followers everything he was working with yesterday.
The comments were the best part.
"Who zoomed in? Be honest."
"Someone needs to take away either homie's bottle or phone."
"Just make an only fans please."
"Bro its Monday…"
McGregor was attempting to promote his beer, Forged Irish Stout. Let's be real, though: No one noticed that.
But, hey, he couldn't let Tom Brady and Ronaldo monopolize the market on gratuitous male underwear shots. Especially now that they're letting dudes grace the cover of Sports Illustrated Swimsuit.
Honestly — if you are one of those men who has remained silent about biological males taking over women's spaces, I hope this will be a last straw for you.
Man Blames Drunk Driving on Dog
You might be able to blame your dog for the mess on the floor, the sudden strange smell or the reason all the bacon disappeared.
But you can't pin a DUI on your furry friend.
However, that didn't stop one guy from trying.
Police pulled over a man in Springfield, Colo., Saturday night for reportedly driving 52 mph in a 30 mph zone.
"The driver attempted to switch places with his dog who was in the passenger seat, as the SPD officer approached and watched the entire process," Springfield Police wrote in a Facebook post. "The male party then exited the passenger side of the vehicle and claimed he was not driving."
The suspect was charged with DUI, speeding, resisting arrest and driving under suspension.
Next time he goes to the bar, though, I suggest he brings this little guy along.
But if you're worried about the pup, don't be. He is going to stay with a friend while his owner attempts to sort out his life.
"The dog does not face any charges and was let go with just a warning," police said.
In other news, though, some dogs actually can drive cars.
The pups in this video were all rescued by the SPCA (Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals) in Auckland, New Zealand. The dogs were chosen from the shelter and then taught how to drive in order to show the public how intelligent and capable shelter pets are.
"I think sometimes people think because they’re getting an animal that’s been abandoned, that somehow it’s a second-class animal," SPCA's Christine Kalin said. "Which is not the case."
BRB, going to teach my 14-year-old dog a new trick...
Shark Attacks Man in Kayak
If there's anything more terrifying than a dog behind the wheel it's a shark in the water. Especially when the only thing protecting you is a kayak.
Scott Haraguchi was out fishing near the Kualoa shore in Honolulu, Hawaii, when he experienced a real-life "Jaws" situation.
Watch the terrifying moment a huge tiger shark tried to eat this guy's boat:
"I heard a whooshing sound that sounded like a boat heading towards me without the motor and I looked up and I saw this big brown thing," Haraguchi said.
I love a trip to the beach. But these are the kind of summer vacation experiences I can do without.
Give Miller Lite a Break
These beer brands just can't stop giving us content.
Yesterday a Miller Lite ad went viral that condemned the beer industry for using sexist advertising to sell beverages.
And while I thought the advertisement was poorly executed, I appreciated the sentiment. I won't reiterate everything right now because I explained my stance pretty thoroughly here:
This ad, while not great, was nowhere near in the same vein as the disastrous Bud Light partnership with Dylan "I rake in millions by mocking women" Mulvaney.
Bud Light insulted women everywhere. Miller Lite just put out a silly ad.
I love you, OutKick readers. Despite some of the mean things you're saying to me on Twitter today.
But take a step back. Understand that when you stoop to being outraged and calling for cancellation for everything you don't entirely agree with, you become the same "snowflakes" you criticize on the left.
Two things can be true: You can like women in bikinis but also acknowledge those over-sexualized ads don't appeal to female consumers.
If you've ever read Tuesday Nightcaps before, you know I'm a loyal Miller Lite drinker. (I got it from my grandma. Not even joking.)
But I do think they need to do a better job of relating to a female audience.
So I'm offering a solution:
And last but not least...
Martha Stewart might be my 81-year-old health goals. But my parents are my marriage goals.
Happy 36th wedding anniversary to my heroes and the coolest people I've ever known. Your love, respect and commitment to each other is unrivaled.
And yes, I know my dad kind of looks like Andy Reid.
OutKick Nightcaps is a daily column set to run Monday through Friday at 4 p.m.
Follow me on Twitter at @TheAmberHarding or email me at Amber.Harding@OutKick.com.