Manatee Dies From Too Much Sex, Man Turns Himself Into A Dog, Slap Fighting, Spider Hunts And Embarrassing Phone Lock Screens
Well, fancy meeting you all here.
As you know, Friday is usually our friend Zach Dean's day. But Zach is off today, so he has entrusted me to start your weekend off right.
And it's a responsibility I take very seriously.
When I woke up this morning, my husband tried to pull me over by my waist in bed. And I said, "No, baby, we don't got time for that this morning. I gotta write Nightcaps!"
Just kidding, I never turn down my husband.
But while evangelical Christians were in a tizzy over the dirty rotten fornicator Nancy Mace, we were in a tizzy over something far more sinister.
Spiders.
Last night we were fulfilling our evening ritual (lying on the couch watching trash TV) when the biggest brown recluse I've ever seen scurried across my husband's arm. It was just one of several recluse sightings in the last couple of days, which can only mean one thing: We have a nest.
Just in case you don't live in a portion of the country haunted by these demon spawns, the brown recluse spider is highly venomous, and its bite can cause all sorts of awfulness, including fever, nausea, convulsions, muscle pain and even necrosis.
So we proceed to take apart our giant sectional, piece by piece. A chapstick, some coins, several hair ties, dust bunnies and two dog toys... but no spider nests. We move on to the laundry room and pantry. Still no luck.
Tonight, we'll be likely be tearing apart the rest of the house. But for now, we have no idea where the spiders are coming from.
So that's comforting.
On that note, I think I need a beer. And so do you. It's the weekend, baby! Crack open a cold one and let's see what Nightcaps has in store.
Japanese Man Identifies As A Dog
I've done it. I've found the one thing creepier than a hidden nest full of eight-legged devil critters.
A Japanese man — known only as Toco — has turned himself into a dog. And I don't mean he just walks around on a leash and wearing a leather mask like some of those puppy fetish weirdos.
This dude actually looks like a dog.
Apparently, he's been doing this for quite some time on his YouTube channel.
"Ever since I was a small child, I wanted to be an animal," he told The Daily Mail. "I think it is a desire to transform. I've thought about it since I can remember."
But Toco is afraid people will make fun of him, so he hides his true identity from the world.
"I don't want my hobbies to be known, especially by the people I work with," he said. "I rarely tell my friends because I am afraid they will think I am weird."
It's 2023, buddy. The weirder you are, the more you fit in. Hell, biological dudes are winning beauty pageants and women's sports trophies. I bet if he entered at Westminster, he'd get "Best in Show!"
Toco already has more than 30,000 YouTube subscribers, and his viral videos have brought out other animal wannabes.
"You inspire us to fulfill our dreams too," one commenter wrote.
Another said: "I hope I become the animal I want to be as well. You're an inspiration to us."
I have also been inspired. To grab another beer. And we're going to need it for this next one.
Manatee Dies After Too Much Rough Sex With Brother
Look, everybody always makes fun of "Florida Man." But the Florida manatee also stays wildin'.
A 38-year-old manatee named Hugh has died after too much "high-intensity" sex with his brother, Buffett.
Side note: When I went to journalism school, I had dreams of becoming a successful sports reporter. Now here I am — writing about gay, incestuous manatee sex.
Anyway, a necropsy revealed several traumatic injuries, with one being a 14.5-centimeter rip in Hugh's colon.
"At approximately 5:15 pm, the larger male was observed penetrating the smaller male again. When the larger male swam away, the smaller male was seen unresponsive at the bottom of the pool. It was confirmed that he had passed," the USDA said.
So this story is actually really sad.
And it gets even more disturbing (if you can believe that). Apparently, the Mote Marine Laboratory & Aquarium just let this undersea rape happen.
Reportedly, employees allowed the brothers to continue engaging in "high-intensity interactions and occasional penetration" throughout the day.
They claimed it was consensual. But I'm guessing they didn't actually ask Hugh how he felt about being painfully railed by his big brother multiple times a day.
"There were no obvious signs of discomfort or distress such as listing, crunching, or active avoidance that would have triggered a need for intervention," according to Mote.
I'm no marine biologist, but I'm not buying it.
Let's all pour one out for Hugh. And remember him during a happier time:
Indian Slap Fighting Is a Thing, And It's Awesome
Some of you may have heard of it. Others are about to be as delightfully surprised and amused as I am.
Formally called Slap Kabaddi, Indian slap fighting is exactly what it sounds like: dudes slapping each other in the face.
And to my fellow South Park fans, yes, we're on the same page.
Anyway, you must smack your opponent with an open hand to earn a point. Defending a slap erases the point, and punches are considered fouls.
Here's an educational TikTok to help you learn more:
To the victor go the spoils! As for the loser?
"The defeated competitor must bear the ignominy of defeat — leaving the field with nothing but his loincloth, the dust of the arena and perhaps a newfound resolve for the next match."
I joke, but this sport might actually be the next big thing in martial arts. Dana White is throwing money and resources behind the Power Slap League, and The Nevada Athletic Commission has even sanctioned the league for competitions in Las Vegas.
"It's a home run," White said.
(Photo by Louis Grasse/PxImages/Icon Sportswire via Getty Images)
But not everyone is on board.
Chris Nowinski, cofounder and CEO of the Concussion Legacy Foundation, calls slap fighting "one of the stupidest things you can do."
"There's nothing fun, there's nothing interesting and there's nothing sporting," Nowinski said. "They're trying to dress up a really stupid activity to try to make money."
In a way, Nowinski has a point. After all, I don't think a person has to be terrible athletic to be good at slapping people. How would you even train for that?
This reminds me of the time I went to a distillery in Colorado and learned about their "Whiskey Slap" tradition. It's an actual brewery-sanctioned event where teams of two shoot whiskey and slap each other in the face.
Now, I can see two drunk bros taking part in this challenge. But I heard there was actually a husband and wife team in 2017.
I cannot — under any circumstance — imagine that going well.
Guy Leaves Embarrassing List Of Goals On Lock Screen
Before I get to this, a quick, relevant story.
Once upon a time, I belonged to a gym in Phoenix called Mountainside Fitness. I always stopped and chatted with the young fella at the front desk. He'd tell me about his Tinder dates and his preparation for upcoming bodybuilding competitions.
One day I noticed his phone lock screen was a picture of a shirtless dude — a very buff, shirtless dude.
He explained to me it was his favorite pro bodybuilder and he keeps the photo on his phone for motivation.
"Every time I want to eat something I shouldn't, I look at his abs," he said. "Why do women think that's so weird?"
The point is: Some things are just not for the lock screen. Some things should not leave the camera roll.
Enter this Australian guy who accidentally left his phone at a ski resort. While attempting to find the phone's owner, an employee decided to share the lock screen on the resort's Facebook page.
It was a list of goals, and it was epic.
(Facebook: Perisher Snow Lovers)
I don't know why the goal of "Don't get a haircut for 3 months" stood out to me, but it sure did.
The guy is really onto something. I mean, if you're trying to have three girls on the roster, you probably should get good at fighting. But you can only take one at a time on the motorbike — and that's if you have a two-seater. Is he currently heavier or lighter than 87 kgs? Will the $25,000 buy the motorbike or is that an additional goal?
I have so many questions.
But hey — I'm glad he's concerned about his grades!
"No one will want to own up to owning this phone," one person commented.
"I'd be almost embarrassed to claim the lost phone … almost," another person said.
But, friends, we have some good news.
"Fortunately, we were able to return the phone to its rightful owner and we wish this guest all the best with achieving his goals," Perisher Ski Resort marketing manager Maddi Ventura said.
Friday Funnies!
The world's worst bank robber never had a chance.
Did y'all hear aliens are real?
Compassion.
This is what a queen looks like.
And finally, we see your realistic human dog costume, Toco. And we raise you this.
Now, everyone go out and have the best weekend ever.
I will update you Tuesday on my spider situation. But if we don't find the nest by this weekend, I'm calling Mike Tyson and his bong gun to smoke them out.
At the very least, I'll be much more relaxed.
OutKick Nightcaps is a daily column set to run Monday through Friday at 4 p.m.
Follow me on Twitter at @TheAmberHarding or email me at Amber.Harding@OutKick.com.