MAGA Bikini Congresswoman Swims (Upstream) On Capitol Hill, O'Hare Airport Fight & Michelle Obama's Lib Dance
You know what? I forgot how much of a grind this week really is. It gets me every year.
Joe Kinsey even talked about it on this morning's crack OutKick editorial meeting. Yesterday felt like the longest day of the year. Tomorrow IS actually the shortest day of the year. And today feels like Friday.
And next week, Christmas falls on a … Wednesday! Yuck. That means we have to work Monday and Tuesday … and Thursday and Friday? Brutal beat.
Well, not for me. I took every single day off – except Monday, because I have two classes, including this one – that I have to teach.
I'm a Patriot, and I will work Monday. Every other day, though? Nope. I'm out. I've got two kids and THREE families to cater to Monday-Friday of next week. That's what the holidays are for me. Just going home, and parading my kids around town to different houses and families because everyone wants to see them.
Frankly, it's why Halloween's my favorite holiday. No travel. No parading. No obligations. You just get to stay home, dress up, and take the kids up and down the street a few times before watching TV for the rest of the night. The best.
But, it's over. And now, we're into the absolute MEAT of the holiday season. Let's roll.
On that note, welcome to a Thursday (right?) Nightcaps – the one where we tell the Libs to kick rocks with MAGA bikini congresswoman, Anna Paulina Luna.
I said it last week and I'll say it again now – if the day ends in y, there's a good chance APL's coming to class. Sorry, but she's a #content machine. I don't make the rules.
What else? I've got the Kansas City MOB after me today because I was mean to their Greek God Patrick Mahomes – FAKER! – and I've also got Michelle Obama dancing down a hallway of insufferable Libs.
And they wonder why America voted how we did. Shocking.
OK, I'm sure there's more somewhere in my lesson-plan, but I don't have it in front of me right now and, frankly, don't feel like looking for it. So, we're winging it today.
Pencils up. It's 'Cap time!
You ever wake up to an email like THIS?
Might as well start the class the same way I started my day – with an all-time email from Chiefs fan Alan, who took exception to me calling Patrick Mahomes a faker and a drama queen yesterday.
Now, I've gone ahead and edited this bad boy down for time purposes, because we all have things to do.
Also, and this is important to note … Alan here not only CC'd the entire Kansas City media on this email, but also the Chiefs PR team.
He ratted on me!
Mr Dean,
As a lifelong member of Chiefs Kingdom I'm compelled to respond to your obvious hit piece on Patrick.
Most rational people understand that Outkick doesn't exist due to its superior, professional journalism. We're all comforted to know the Pulitzer Prize is safe from ever landing in your lap, or anyone else there.
We know the goal at Outkick is to be provocative and sensational, not to mention exploit women daily. The fact you included the comment about Sydney Sweeney isn't hot to the people who claim they wouldn't hit on Brittany Mahomes at a bar must be a true low point in your "career", yet I somehow doubt it.
Let's be clear, PM doesn't give a damn what Zach Dean, or anyone else thinks. His only motivation is winning and is willing to do whatever it takes, including giving up his body.
Patrick has NEVER thrown another player under the bus publicly like Rodgers and so many other so-called leaders have done numerous times.
Patrick has always been humble, making sure to thank God and those around him for his and teams' success.
This isn't "reporting", it's an opinion piece from a cynical journalist wannabee that doesn't know Mahomes or the team whatsoever.
*Hi, it's me again. Just cutting in real quick to say that this next part is also included in KC Alan's takedown. This is where he rats me out and provides the quotes from yesterday's class!*
Please see the link for this story but here are Zach's comments on Patrick below:
I am DONE with Patrick Mahomes faking a major injury every single year, only to magically come back the next game (or the next drive) as if he's some hero who is playing through the pain.
He's not. He's all bark, no bite. He's full of shit, and I'm convinced of it after his latest stunt:
Like clockwork. Every single year. Mahomes gets hurt, makes a huge scene, limps and waddles off the field, his return is "seriously in doubt," and then BAM – he's back just like nothing happened.
And by the way, we've all done it. Hell, I made a living out of this in high school. Play up an injury to lower expectations, and then you look like an absolute warrior and a hero when you magically return and play great.
Zach's Brittany comments below:
What a world. My God. People who don't think Sid the Kid is hot are the same ones who claim they wouldn't hit on Brittany Mahomes at a bar.
They're all liars. Guys are nothing if not horny and predictable. I should know – I am one, and I am both. That's why I scooped up the First Lady when I could!
Patrick is a faker, but Anna Paulina Luna is as real as it gets
And I EDITED that waaaaaaaaaaay down! Amazing. What a way to end 2024! My favorite part is the end where he includes this graph for all the KC media outlets – and the Chiefs' PR team – to read:
They're all liars. Guys are nothing if not horny and predictable. I should know – I am one, and I am both. That's why I scooped up the First Lady when I could!
Imagine the wokes in the newsroom reading THAT line? My God. Their heads would explode.
Anyway, I do appreciate Alan's fandom and the fact that he calls Patrick Mahomes simply … Patrick. Very Romo-esque.
And I actually like Patrick. Well, I used to. Now, he's just insufferable. He's sort of on the Brady arc, where he started out likable, then got too big for his own britches and started constantly bitching and moaning about calls, and now he's a drama queen.
He's Brady from about 2009-16. Tom became likable again towards the end of the Pats dynasty, and really became normal again when he got to Florida – as most folks do.
Oh well. We'll revisit this around 2028 – right after voting for President Vance!
Whew. What a tense start to class. Nothing like what's going on in DC right now, though:
Dancin' Michelle, Christmas Queen & Tis the season for air travel!
What a meteoric rise for Anna Paulina. She stunned the world in a MAGA bikini during the summer and started a movement. Then, she found herself on the cover of Maxim. Then, she won her election. Now, she's busting skulls in D.C. and catching the eyes of (vice president) Elon Musk.
Remember, though, where you met her first. And don't you forget it!
OK, a quick rapid-fire time because KC Alan's email took up 80% of class. First up? I just can't figure out why the Dems lost:
While we have Anna Paulina Luna on our team, the Dems have … that. Incredible. God, 2024 is the best. The absolute best.
Jim Acosta, you agree?
Inject it straight into my Patrick Mahomes-hating veins! Welcome to Team Reality, Jimbo! Enjoy the ride!
Next? Some wholesome #content to mix things up a bit:
Love this girl. She tells it exactly how it is. No beating around the bush. Just straight to the point. Trimming the fat.
If those greedy scumbags in Washington did that, we wouldn't be shutting down the government in a few days. Oh well!
Finally, back to the non-wholesome #content on the way out!
Solid little scrum here. Love the ending, too. It's all fun and games until someone picks up the heavy metal rope-holder-thing.
It got real after that, and our guys smartly walked away.
Surely this will be the last fight we see break out this holiday season. Sad.
OK, that's it for today. Solid class. Solid Thursday. Let's finish the week strong.
See you tomorrow.
OutKick Nightcaps is a daily column set to run Monday through Friday at 4 p.m. (roughly, we’re not robots).
You with me on Patrick or nah? Email me at Zach.Dean@OutKick.com.