MAGA Bikini Congresswoman Blows The LID Off Dirty DC, Kelce The Quitter & Alina Habba's White House Girls' Day

A Hump Day at the track? My God. It's perfect. Can't think of a better place to teach class than Daytona International Speedway. 

Now, am I surrounded by a bunch of Big J journos who probably hate Trump? Sure. You bet! Do I wish my ‘Gulf of America’ hat was here so I could wear it and trigger the hell outta some folks? Absolutely. 

Unfortunately, my hat girl is on vacation until next week, so I couldn't make it happen. Sad. Would've been fun, though. Oh well. 

Best I can do is my Make America Florida Again hat. Should do the trick!

Welcome to a Hump Day Nightcaps – the one where we rattle the D.C. elites with MAGA Bikini Congresswoman Anna Paulina Luna and go from there. Been a while since APL came to class, but she's busy, so I get it. 

What else? I've got Travis Kelce just quitting on the Chiefs (called it, he's toast), CNN having to say hairy balls on air – maybe my favorite Elon moment to date – woke (but still hot) Jennifer Aniston turned 56 yesterday AND the Libs have a new anthem that should have every single Republican concerned on this second Wednesday of February.  

Head on a swivel, MAGA. They are COMING. 

Grab you anything with alcohol in it – we're not picky on Hump Day – and settle in for a Wednesday 'Cap!

Solid film on Travis Kelce 

Let's spin the wheel today and start with … hating on Travis Kelce! I know it's low-hanging fruit, but this loser just makes it so easy. 

Serious question for our Chiefs fans in class: Y'all HAVE to be done with Kelce at this point, right? Like, even our most die-hard fans still can't be pro-Travis Kelce after Sunday. 

The Pfizer stuff annoyed the shit out of me. The Taylor Swift stuff is insufferable. But even then, he was still good. This year? He just mailed it in. And if you don't believe me, look at THIS all-22 from Sunday's blowout:

Here come the Libs!

I mean, my God. He's so full of shit. Yeah, OK, Travis. Sure. He basically just said he's tired of winning so much and playing an extra three games every year has become a grind. 

Buddy. This guy is SOMETHING. Just the worst. And by the way, he's retiring. Ask any professional athlete, and they'll tell you that the second you start thinking about retirement, you're already retired. 

No shot he comes back. Did that guy in the second half look like someone who still gave a shit? Nope. 

No more woke vaccine pushing. No more Taylor Swift. No more stealing the microphone from Jim Nantz and shouting "YOU HAVE TO FIGHT …" into it. It's done. Let it die. Please. Good riddance! 

Now, let's move on to a group of PISS MISSLES who actually do have some fight left in the tank. 

Look out, Big R Republicans. The Big D Dems are COMING FOR THAT ASS:

Anna Paulina is ON IT, CNN loves balls & Jennifer Aniston turns 56!

My God. It's a cult. A CULT. But honestly, good for them. They're sticking to their guns. 

They're a bunch of wackos who are certifiably insane, but what you see is what you get. No bullshitting with this crowd. They're all in. And I respect it. Have to, really. 

And how about the broad who wants to bang Trump? What a QUOTE. Get ‘em, Maxine! What a line. What a rally. 

These people are so unhinged. It's amazing. Just when you think the Dems couldn't pump out anyone dumber than Schumer or AOC or Jasmine Crockett (maybe the dumbest of all), this Maxine Dexter grabs the mic and declares that she wants to bang Donald Trump. 

They're all just so insufferable, and so stupid, and so lost. I really thought the Dems would regroup and rethink some things after getting their asses handed to them last November. 

I thought, ‘surely, there’s no way they're gonna just keep playing the same cards, right?' Wrong! I underestimated how insane they were, which, to be fair, is my fault.

Oh well. Let's rapid-fire this bad boy into a big night of humping! 

First up? While the Dems have that, we have Anna Paulina Luna. 

Choose your fighter:

Hey, wokes – piss OFF. Leave Anna Paulina ALONE. I cannot think of a better leader for this great task force than Nightcaps legend Anna Paulina Luna. From MAGA bikini congresswoman last summer, to unraveling the JFK mystery this spring. 

It's called the America dream, boys and girls. And she's living it. Let's smash some skulls, Anna. Can't wait to see what else you find!

Next? Let's check in with CNN!

Amazing. What a time period we're in right now. How the hell did we get so lucky? We went from four years of Joe Biden, to watching CNN say "hairy balls" on actual television. 

What should Elon change his Twitter handle to next? Chris Peacock? Ben Dover? Mike H … you know what? I'm not going there. If you know, you know. It's a classic, but we have some standards around here. 

Google it, as the kids say. Just make sure you're in Incognito mode!

Finally … let's end the day by wishing very woke – but still very hot – Jennifer Aniston a happy 56th birthday!

Alina Habba has the girls over!

Fifty-six. Wow. What a ride it's been. From Rachel Green, to stripping in "We're the Millers," to being the horniest dentist this side of the Mississippi in "Horrible Bosses," Jennifer Aniston deserves our respect. 

I know she's gone off the deep end – sort of – but, like I always say, they ALL have. We have to look past that once in a while and respect the full resume. 

So, happy birthday, Jen! 

Now, let's have a girl's day at the White House with Alina Habba and get on outta here. 

See you tomorrow. 

OutKick Nightcaps is a daily column set to run Monday through Friday at 4 p.m. (roughly, we’re not robots).

What should Elon's next name be? Email me at Zach.Dean@OutKick.com.

Written by
Zach grew up in Florida, lives in Florida, and will never leave Florida ... for obvious reasons. He's a reigning fantasy football league champion, knows everything there is to know about NASCAR, and once passed out (briefly!) during a lap around Daytona. He swears they were going 200 mph even though they clearly were not.