Let's Help Sammy Hagar And Guy Fieri Find Their Booze, Kim K Is Bad At Robots, And What Is Jaguar Doing?

Hey, happy Tuesday. I'm Matt Reigle — your substitute Nightcaps-er for the day — and it's always such a great honor and responsibility to step in and carry the torch.

It's like being knighted or being seated in an exit row, just with more viral news stories and pretty ladies.

I'm just getting my week started, ripping pages off of my Farside desk calendar until we get to Thanksgiving, my favorite holiday of the year.

It's all about food, football, and family. Two of those things are always great… I'll let you decide which those are.

This year's Thanksgiving will also mark a nice change of pace from my newly imposed, doctor-ordered Mediterranean diet (wait, the dude who crushes Thanksgiving sandwiches like it's his job — which it actually kind of is — had higher than normal cholesterol?! Go figure!)

But, I'm not one to rush things. It's been a fun couple of days of sporting events ruining my sleep schedule. First was Tyson-Paul (which ironically almost put me to sleep), and then this week is the Las Vegas Grand Prix which means sessions happening at ungodly hours for those of us on the East Coast.

This is to say I'm glad to get the chance to hop back in the Nightcaps saddle before I'm in a complete state of sleep-deprived, tryptophan-fueled zombification in about a week and change.

So, let's get things rolling by trying to solve the Crime of the Century… as it pertains to celebrity tequila heists.

The Case Of The Red Rocker, The Mayor Of Flavortown, And A Lot Of Missing Tequila

One of my favorite TV shows of all time is Unsolved Mysteries, and since the late great Robert Stack is no longer with us — and hasn't been for over two decades — I'm going to throw on a trench coat and walk down a creepy alley to ask for your help in solving a mystery: the mystery of Sammy Hagar and Guy Fieri's missing booze.

You may or may not know that rock legend Sammy Hagar — of Van Halen and Montrose fame, plus all of his solo work — has partnered with everyone's favorite spiky bleached hair-having, Camaro-driving, Donkey Sauce-slinger Guy Fierei to unleash Santo Tequila on an unsuspecting public.

Now, I like tequila, but I don't know if I'm cool enough to handle the awesome power of tequila born from the brains of Messers. Hagar and Fieri.

Hagar, of course, made a bunch of coin with Cabo Wabo tequila, but this Santo stuff is apparently very sought after because two trucks of it were recently stolen.

A representative for Hagar told Fox News Digital that the theft took place over the weekend of November 9 and that it happened near Laredo, Texas.

It's suspected that organized crime is behind the theft of 24,240 bottles of Santo Blanco, Reposa, and Extra Añejo worth around $1 million.

So, if you have any information regarding the theft of Sammy Hagar and Guy Fieri's tequila, you can call the Unsolved Mysteries hotline if it's still up and running… which it probably isn't, but if it was they'd be wondering why you were calling them about this.

So, if you know anything, call the cops. 

Don't do it for me; do it for the Red Rocker and the Mayor of Flavortown.

UNLV Is Charging How Much For Pizza?

I don’t need to tell you that concession prices are out of control. We’ve all been to a game, ordered a beer and a hot dog, and quickly found out that the $20 bill we were holding wouldn’t cover it.

But, the prices in the luxury boxes at UNLV are almost reaching Miami Grand Prix levels of expensiveness.

Again, it’s a luxury suite — I get that — but a $300 pizza is a $300 pizza. It had better be transcendent. Like, at that price, if one bite of that pizza doesn't give me an epiphany about the meaning of life or make me suddenly grow several inches taller than I already am (Nature's perfect height of 5'10") then it costs too much.

The bucket of trendies? Unless they were served in a Zamboni — which ironically, you can get elsewhere in Las Vegas — then it's a no from me, dawg.

Also, I don't know what that administrative fee is for, but I'd be willing to bet the profits from the $300 pizza could cover whatever it is. I think as a nation we need to put our feet down about these mystery fees that no one really understands or can explain what they're for.

The only saving grace would be that UNLV beat San Diego State 41-20, which may have made that pricey pie a bit easier to stomach.

Kim Kardashian Tries To Figure Out What To Do With A Tesla Robot

I’ve always been one to defend what is or is not between the ears of one Kim Kardashian. I don’t care if she got a Ray J "assist" early in her career. It takes some degree of smarts to become a billionaire.

Not always a lot (obviously), but at least some…

But then I saw her first interactions with a Tesla robot and now I’m second-guessing my white-knighting for her intellect.

Kardashian showed off her newest purchase, a $30,000 robot which she got because… I don’t know why, and I’d be willing to bet she doesn’t either.

Look at what Kim K did in her first 30 seconds with Tesla’s version of C-3PO.

First of all, I think we all saw that robot throw down the Trump dance. Good stuff, Elon.

But far be it from me to tell you what to do with your humanoid robot, but "Can you make a heart hand?" Should not be the first thing you ask it to do. It shouldn’t be in the first hundred things. It should come after "Can you do the Charleston with me?" and "Do me a solid and go fling the piles of dog poo into the neighbor’s yard."

But the first thing you ask? You ask that bag of bolts to get you a beer. 

If it does, that’s a great robot. If it just ignores that request or brings you some crappy craft sour (I hate those. Drink a beer that tastes like beer, not candy; you’re an adult) then you've got yourself a crappy robot, friend.

I think this whole idea was one of Asimov's Laws of Robotics, although you shouldn't quote me on that.

Unfortunately, I feel like Kim K and her menagerie of youngins will grow tired of this poor robot and move on to focus their attention and bottomless bank account on designer puppies or expensive hats. 

Meanwhile, this Tesla robot will end up slowly rusting in her backyard until it looks like a $30,000 replica of the Tin Man.

Sad.

Can Someone Please Tell Me What The Hell Is Going On With This Jaguar Commercial? 

Speaking of car companies, can someone please remind Jaguar — the iconic British luxury car maker — that it is in the automotive business?

I think Jaguar may have forgotten because peep this completely ridiculous commercial it just put out that I think is to unveil a new logo.

…What the f--k was that?

If you didn't come into that knowing that was for Jaguar the car company, would you have any idea what that was supposed to be an ad for?

Some kind of cologne?

Maybe a new smartphone?

Perhaps to let people know that tickets to Douche Bag Con '24 are on sale now?

Just total nonsense, and it caught the attention of the aforementioned Elon Musk and many others.

Just terrible.

I get companies want to grow and evolve their brands, but that doesn't change what you do. Jaguar still makes cars even if it looks like it put together an ad for the Met Gala.

It's amazing how many companies make mistakes by trying to cater to demographics that will never buy their wares (*cough*Bud Light*cough*), and it looks like Jaguar might be the latest. 

If You're Not Following Andrew Dice Clay On Instagram, You Need To Change That

One of my favorite things about deputizing for the Nightcaps regulars is that you can talk about all kinds of different fun things and enlighten people by showing them stuff they may not have been privy to.

So, I present to you comedy legend Andrew Dice Clay's Instagram.

It is routinely one of the funniest things I see on social media, and it's one of those things that's easier to show you than it is to explain.

But the broad strokes are that the Diceman just goes up to people on the streets and in airports and hilarity ensues.

It is always hilarious, and sometimes Dice's opener, the very funny Eleanor Kerrigan, gets in on the videos.

Seriously, go follow Dice and then send me a gift card or one of those Edible Arrangements to thank me later.

…

Welp, that's it for this edition of Nightcaps, I hope you had as much fun reading it as I did writing it (and stressing about getting it done in time).

Have a kickass rest of this week, and a great Thanksgiving next week.