Let's Cool Our Jets About The Wonders Of Titanium | Matt Reigle

In the day and age of streaming, the only time I really see any TV commercials is when I watch sports, and recently my retinas have been clobbered with a deluge of commercials for the new iPhone.

Now, I wouldn’t normally pay any attention to this because I hate switching cell phones. Hate it. I’d rather get my teeth drilled than try to swap phones with no issues down at the cell phone store. 

I’ve never had a successful trip to the cell phone store without it turning into several days' worth of phone calls trying to straighten out some kind of issue that seemed to surprise the person who deals with phones for a living.

However, this time, I decided to give it a chance. I thought, “Maybe the new iPhone has some features that will make my life easier. I like the sound of that. It’s so much better than making life harder”

But that didn’t happen. There was nothing about a better battery or faster speeds. Y’know, useful updates. 

Instead, the big selling point of this new phone was that it was made of titanium.

For some, perhaps this advancement sold them. As for me, it was when I stopped listening.

That's because I’m done with titanium.

It's got atomic weight of 47.867, but a batting average of letting me down that sits at a perfect 1.000.

No material — metal or otherwise — has promised so much and then delivered so little in my humble opinion.

Ever since Lt. Dan showed off his brand spankin’ new legs made out of titanium alloy I thought titanium was the future. I mean, it’s what they used on the space shuttle after all.

Sure, it may have outstanding corrosion resistance properties. Top notch, in fact. But when does that come into play in our day-to-day lives?

Hardly, if ever. I haven’t had it come up once.

Still, nearly 30 years after Lt. Dan and his magic legs attended Forrest Gump's wedding to see his old pal marry the lady who ignored him for decades, the fervor around titanium continues.

Rubes line up near an ad for the Apple iPhone 15 Pro which is made out of Titanium... and that's about it as far as I know. (Photo by Patrick T. Fallon / AFP) (Photo by PATRICK T. FALLON/AFP via Getty Images)

The Titanium Over-Hype Train Will Not Stop

I walked past an Apple Store the other day and there was an ad the size of one entire wall above the heads of their team of Geniuses (by the way, I want to see a Mensa membership card before I address anyone as a genius. Unless I’m doing it ironically because they're actually dumb), the massive ad heralded the arrival announced new iPhone and its chassis crafted out of precious, precious titanium.

So?!

I get that it’s lighter, but no one has ever said “I’ve gotta get me one of those new iPhones. My current one is so heavy and unwieldy.”

Am I an idiot or is everyone else one?

…wait, don’t answer that.

I haven’t been this let down by an element since I failed a high school quiz test on the periodic table multiple times (Potassium tripped me up. Why is it represented by the letter K? Who the hell made that decision?).

The new iPhone is simply the latest offender. I’m sick of being told titanium is the future. That it will transform my everyday. 

It's great that Dan titanium works wonders when it comes to spacecraft. I just want to see some of that promise a bit more regularly here on Earth for us regular folk.

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