The Left Is Lying To You About This 'Historically Affordable' Thanksgiving. I Found Out How Bad It Really Is
We've made it to one of the sneakiest-best days of the year: Thanksgiving Eve. Christmas Eve gets all the shine – rightfully so – but don't overlook today.
You can feel it in the air. In your plumbs. The anticipation. The crowds. The nervous scrolling on your phones as you do some last-minute research on how to fry a turkey without blowing up your entire house.
It all comes down to today. God forbid you forget an ingredient, because tomorrow's too late. You're SOL. Unless they have it at the 7/11 down the street, you ain't getting it tomorrow.
So you better have all your ducks in a row today. Right now. If you're reading this and just realized you forgot something at the Publix earlier, get your butt off the couch, bookmark this tab, and hit the road, Jack.
Because you're running out of time, and the traffic ain't gonna be your typical Wednesday evening traffic. Buckle up, strap in, and get your game face on. It's GO time.
On that note, welcome to a Wednesday Nightcaps – the one where we A) welcome the American Farm Bureau to class, and then B) immediately whip them with a yard stick.
That's right. This is a 1950s-style class. We believe in discipline around here, and these WOKES need to be taught a lesson today.
Actually, let's just jump into it. I know, a bit unconventional, but it's gonna be a different type of class today, folks. Sorry, but I have to do it. Bear with me, just for today. What we lose in hot women, we'll make up for in crushing the Libs for being a bunch of lying scumbags.
Fair trade? Absolutely. Let's get to shopping.
Get a load of THIS from the American Farm Bureau
That's a real tweet. It's not satire. It's not the Babylon Bee. It's a real-life post from a real-life CNBC article about what the wokes are billing as an affordable Thanksgiving.
You read it right – $58 to feed 10 people tomorrow. Fifty-eight dollars. Ten people. Thanksgiving.
Thanksgiving dinner is historically affordable this year.
My God. Amazing. These people are truly amazing. They think we're a bunch of MAGA idiots who don't know our tuchus from our elbow. It's insane. It's insulting. It's also, shockingly, a lie. A big, fat, LIB lie.
From the Farm Bureau:
The 39th annual American Farm Bureau Federation (AFBF) Thanksgiving dinner survey finds that the classic feast for 10 will run you $58.08, down 5% from last year.
The classic dinner’s grocery bill is a mixed bag of savings and squeezes. Seven items dropped in price this year, including turkey, sweet potatoes, frozen peas, a vegetable tray of carrots and celery, pumpkin pie mix, pie crusts and whole milk.
However, the remaining four items –dinner rolls, fresh cranberries, whipping cream and cubed stuffing – rose in price.
Prices for ham, Russet potatoes and frozen green beans were added to the survey in 2018 to reflect more Thanksgiving favorites, with all of them showing a year-over-year reduction in price. When including the additional items, the meal cost rose to $77.34, or $7.73 per person, with more leftovers, of course.
Right off the bat, you know this is a farce. Took me 12 seconds to realize that. The second I saw their "classic feast" included – a vegetable tray of carrots and celery – and did NOT include … MASHED POTATOES … I knew we were in for a wild ride.
Yeah, because everyone goes to Thanksgiving dinner looking forward to the celery tray and not mashed potatoes – otherwise known as literally a Thanksgiving dinner staple. Idiots.
Here's the fancy graph the farmers put together for us:
A lot to break down here
There you have it. You wanna feed TEN PEOPLE for a half-tank of gas, here's your list. Go get 'em!
Let's get the obvious outta the way … the portion sizes here are laughable. Nonsense. Sixteen pound turkey? Fine. That's fair.
But three pounds of sweet potatoes for 10 people? No chance. None. One box of stuffing? Yeah, OK. Maybe in woke Europe. Not America. One bag of green peas? For starters, nobody eats green peas on Thanksgiving. Again, it's ridiculous and it's insulting.
And if 10 lunatics all dined in the same room and all loved green peas, one 16-oz bag ain't getting the job done.
Twelve dinner rolls for 10 people? Yeah, sure. Idiots. How does THAT make sense? Any Patriot worth his or her (they/them?) salt is eating two dinner rolls at minimum on Thanksgiving. Minimum. That's 20 rolls for a 10-person crowd.
A couple obvious omissions here, too:
- Most God-fearing Americans fry a turkey on Thanksgiving. Birds in the oven are crap. Nobody wants that. We want a fried turkey. That means we need peanut oil, and a lot of it. Peanut oil is expensive.
- I've never in my life been to a Thanksgiving dinner that featured just one dessert option. You think one pumpkin pie is getting the job done after we've just slammed 15 beers all afternoon and lost $500 on the Lions and Cowboys? No chance. You need more than one dessert. At the very least, you need two of the same dessert.
- Drinks. I won't get too angry over this one, but – again – I've never hosted a party and just served tap water. Never. Nobody in the history of time has done that. Even Jesus had wine. If you're hosting 10 people, you're gonna have a giant cooler of beer, and a giant cooler of soda/sweet tea. And if you don't, I promise this will be your last party. Typical Lib behavior.
Here's what it really costs
Side note: that has nothing to do with any of this, but I thought we could all use a break from reading and he talks about being drunk, which played in nicely to my rant about drinking on Thanksgiving.
Also, Planes, Trains And Automobiles is one of the greatest movies ever made, so here's your reminder to watch it tonight. You are welcome!
Anyway, back to the wokes … I went to the Publix down the street this morning because I had to see this $58 pyramid scheme in action for myself, and – as I suspected – it was a load of crap. Just pure nonsense.
Yes, Publix ain't the Piggly-Wiggly. I get it. But it's also one of the biggest supermarket chains in the US of A, so I don't wanna hear it. Sorry I chose Publix over the Save-A-Lot in the next shady plaza over. It's Thanksgiving. I have standards.
Couple caveats with my meal:
1) I added ham because, as I said, everyone in America eats ham on Thanksgiving. The Bureau may live in some fantasy land, but I live in America. We eat ham here.
2) I nixed the celery and carrots because I'm heterosexual.
3) I added potatoes and green beans, because – again, and I cannot stress this enough – this is America.
Here's what I found:
- Ham: $17
- Milk $4.79
- Stuffing (2): $6
- 16-pound FRESH turkey: $35
- Sweet potatoes (they said we'd need three pounds, which is basically three sweet potatoes. Google tells me we'd need at least 10 in this situation): $5
- Regular potatoes (5): $10
- 16-oz bag of green beans (3): $9
- 12-oz bag of fresh cranberries (2): $4
- Two 12-pk of dinner rolls: $6
- Pumpkin pie mix: $4.75
- Pie crust: $3.69 (nice)
- Whipping crème: $3.60
Total cost (est.) after tax: $115.
In conclusion …
To be honest, that number is still far too low IMO. Just is. And STILL, it's nearly $60 more than the Libs want us to believe.
To me, that's a pretty conservative shopping list for hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving. I went as frugal as I could while still holding some standards (I ain't getting a frozen turkey if fresh ones are right next to it, sorry), and I still came out miles ahead of the Farm.
If we're being 100% honest, here's what it actually will look like:
- Peanut oil: $44
- Two 24-packs of Busch Light: $34
- Sodas/sweet tea: $30
- Another dessert because we have an ounce of class: $6
- Random spices/butter: $10
New total cost (est.) after tax: $239.
Again, that's if you really wanna do it right, and I assume you do because, after all, you agreed to host 10 people on Thanksgiving.
And even if you really want to just go with the bare bones minimum party, you're still looking at well over $100.
So, in conclusion, the wokes at CNBC and the American Farm Bureau can wax poetic about how affordable Thanksgiving is this year. And maybe they're right – compared to last year. That's not saying a lot, but if it makes you feel better, go for it. Do you.
But to sit there and tell the average American that you can feed TEN people for under $60 tomorrow is maybe the dumbest thing I've heard out of that side since Trump won the election.
And buddy, that is a looooooooooooooooooooong list.
Spare us. It's insulting. We know you think we're dumb, but can you at least try to hide it today? It's Thanksgiving, for crying out loud. Have some respect.
Do not make us wear our MAGA hats to the dinner table tonight. I promise, we will. Don't you dare test us. It will be chaos.
OK, that's all for today. I know – an odd class, but a needed one. You cannot give the wokes an INCH. Not one inch.
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. For those of you who made it this far, here's Dolly Parton throwing it back to last year to get everyone ready for the big day.
And unlike this year's feast for 10, this is priceless.
OutKick Nightcaps is a daily column set to run Monday through Friday at 4 p.m. (roughly, we’re not robots).
How much did your Thanksgiving dinner cost? Email me at Zach.Dean@OutKick.com.