Kristin Chenoweth Is Ready For Christmas, Pizza Hut Wine, Turkey Stuffing & We Must Stop The Potato Cartel
We've made it, y'all. We've made it to that week when productivity is halted for the rest of the year, and you spend your days dreaming of football and shoving copious amounts of delicious foods into your face. Or you're just stressing about getting everything ready for Christmas, depending on what kind of person you are.
But while all you slackers are slacking right now, I took my vacation last week. (You missed me, I know.) I spent six days in beautiful Fort Myers Beach with my husband, my dog, my parents and a few good friends.
Although I usually go to FMB every year, this was my first trip back since Hurricane Ian devastated the island back in 2022. The whole beach is still very much a construction zone, but it was cool to see how much they've been able to rebuild since then.
Still my favorite place.
If you're traveling, too, I hope you've already left. Because I heard the airports are a real bitch right now. "The busiest Thanksgiving EVER," according to TSA. Although I think they say that every year.
But if you are unfortunate enough to be flying today or tomorrow, I hope you aren't sitting next to this person:
Or this person:
But wherever you are, at least you have OutKick to keep you company. So get cozy with your favorite overpriced airport cocktail and settle in. It's Nightcaps time!
Pass The (Tomato) Wine, Please
I'm not much of a cook, so my contribution to the family Thanksgiving spread is usually of the red liquid variety, comes in a bottle and contains about 14.5 percent alcohol. Call me lazy if you want, but good wine is a crucial part of any Thanksgiving celebration.
After all, how else are you supposed to cope with your nosy aunt who loves to offer unsolicited advice, your bratty, misbehaving little cousins or losing all your football bets?
I'm spending my Thanksgiving in sunny Florida with just a small and unproblematic portion of the family this year, so I can't complain about the company. But I probably will need my own bottle of Cabernet to get me through that Dolphins-Packers game.
I can't help it. As a Dolphins fan, I'm programmed to expect the worst. In fact, a few weeks ago, fellow Miami fan/Nightcaps writer Zach Dean and I laid out the blueprint for what we can expect from the rest of the season. Because we've seen this movie before:
- Re-establish hope. (DONE!)
- Really make us feel like we have a chance (by beating the Packers).
- Get into the final Wild Card spot by the second week of December.
- Lose at home to the 49ers to begin a three-game skid to end the season.
I digress! Back to the booze thing… If you'd like to RUIN your family's Thanksgiving instead of being a helpful contributor, I have just the thing for you: PIZZA HUT WINE.
Instead of grapes, this wine is made using fermented tomatoes and "infused with natural basil."
"The wine offers an aromatic blend of fresh herbs and spices with rich, sun-ripened tomato notes and a subtle hint of toasted oak — reminiscent of a perfectly baked pizza crust," according to Pizza Hut.
Apparently, you're also supposed to serve it chilled. That's helpful information in case you're actually considering ordering a bottle or two.
As a dry red enthusiast, I am disgusted by this entire charade. But this bottle would make an excellent prank or White Elephant (I think some people call it Dirty Santa) gift this holiday season. Especially if you take the label off. They'd never know what hit 'em!
We Have To Stop The Potato Cartel
Unlike tomato wine, potatoes are really nature's most perfect food. Not only are they delicious in every single form, but they are also extremely versatile. You can boil ‘em, mash ’em, stick 'em in a stew!
For you young guns who didn't get that reference, it's a Lord of the Rings quote that someone remixed into a catchy video that was a certifiable HIT on YouTube back in 2008. That was before everyone and their neighbor's brother were making YouTube videos, and no one got rich or decided to fight Mike Tyson while doing it.
And now that that little ditty is stuck in your head for the foreseeable future (you're welcome), let's get into the crisis currently facing spud lovers everywhere: The Potato Cartel.
No, there aren't rival gangs chopping each other's heads off over hash browns south of the border. But there are four major potato distributors absolutely robbing us clean in the grocery store aisles.
McCain Foods, Cavendish Farms, Lamb Weston, and J.R. Simplot, along with the National Potato Promotion Board, were named as defendants in two proposed class action lawsuits filed in U.S. District Court this week. This Potato Cartel controls a whopping 98 PERCENT of all frozen potato products sold in the United States.
They are accused of conspiring to raise the price of frozen french fries, hash browns and tater tots so that we, the American people, have no choice but to STARVE …or stop eating french fries.
Someone get Donald Trump and RFK Jr. on the line. Tell them we're taking down Big Potato.
Speaking of potatoes, though…
What's The Best Thanksgiving Tater?
I'm currently working on an extensively researched piece about Thanksgiving side dishes (stay tuned for that tomorrow), but before we do that, let's talk about the superior Turkey Day potato.
I saw this t̶w̶e̶e̶t̶ post on X (I'm sorry, Elon, I'll never get used to it) from Dana Loesch, and honestly, I was perplexed by the thought of family members asking her for baked potatoes, scalloped potatoes and potato casserole for the holiday.
Now do not get me wrong: I've never met a form of potato that I didn't like. But isn't it just universally understood that the two official taters of Thanksgiving are mashed and sweet? I've never even considered other options.
So I'm with Dana on this one. But are we in the minority? Are some of you weirdos out there eating au gratin, gnocchi or tater tots alongside your turkey and green beans? Email me at Amber.Harding@outkick.com and defend yourself.
Kristin Chenoweth On Christmas Decorating
Buckle up and grab your tomato wine, because I have an opinion that might be somewhat controversial. You ready? Here goes.
People should decorate for Christmas as early as they damn well please.
Look, I mean no disrespect to Thanksgiving. I love Thanksgiving. But I also love having a house that is festive AF for Christmastime. And I want to enjoy that festive house for as long as possible. So if we were to follow the old rule that you can't put up your tree until after Thanksgiving, then this year we would get LESS THAN A MONTH to enjoy the decorations before it's time to take them down.
And I don't know about you, but if I'm going through the hassle of hauling boxes and boxes out of the attic and intricately setting up decorations all around the house, I'm getting more than just a couple of weeks' use out of them. And if you don't like it, don't come to my house.
Kristin Chenoweth is with me. In fact, she's WAY ahead of me.
So to all of you no-Christmas-allowed-until-after-Thanksgiving Scrooges, have fun untangling lights all day on Friday. I'll be sprawled out on the couch — online shopping, in a food coma and patting myself on the back.
One More Thing
While we're dishing out controversial takes, here's your yearly reminder that stuffing is delicious but really f*cking weird:
Have a wonderful Thanksgiving, Nightcaps fam! I'm thankful you put up with me every Tuesday.
OutKick Nightcaps is a daily column set to run Monday through Friday at 4 p.m.
Follow me on X / Twitter at @TheAmberHarding or email me at Amber.Harding@OutKick.com.