Kristin Cavallari Parties Hard, Jimbo Fisher Final Speech Leaked, Target's Inclusive Santa & Charissa Thompson Makes Up Halftime Quotes
Welcome to Thursday, where I started my day with actual food for the first time since Sunday dinner. Do I look like Dana White now? No. Do I look like Kristin Cavallari? Nope. Thank God for Kristin.
But I feel good. Hell, I feel great. What a week. You'll see.
Anyway ... it's the weekend! I know I say it every week, but Thursday is the start of the weekend here in the fall, and we finally have a good TNF game to drink our faces off to tonight. Ravens-Bengals? Come on! I'm just happy for Al. As Kevin Malone once said, it's nice to just get a win sometimes.
So, we're gonna talk some Kristin Cavallari here in a bit because our girl is single, ready to mingle and in a huge party phase right now. Jay Cutler has a new girlfriend and Kristin is looking to return fire. Buckle up.
I'll talk about my three-day fast and compare it to Dana White's, but I'll spare everyone the before & after pics. Mainly because I didn't do them.
What else? Jimbo Fisher's final speech to Texas A&M before getting canned? Sure. Why not?
Charissa Thompson finally admitting to the world that sideline reporters sometimes make up quotes from coaches after halftime? Duh. She's taking on some heat today but I say bravo, Charissa.
It's about time we go ahead and admit what's so blatantly obvious each and every week.
I'd also maybe like to ask the Nightcaps community for some help as we approach this weekend's fantasy football trade deadline. I have two teams in contention but both have holes. Trying to do some wheeling and dealing before Sunday and I'm all ears.
OK, enough stalling. I assume most of my day's gonna be spent in the bathroom, so let's go ahead and get this going before it's too late.
Class is in session!
I look nothing like Dana White, but that's OK
So, last we spoke I was at the very beginning of this three-day "reset" I was doing. It ended this morning when I woke up and hammered some eggs and pancakes for breakfast.
What happened in between was ... surprising.
Honestly, it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought. I learned quickly that chugging water will make the hunger pains subside for a bit, but I really didn't get that many of them.
I cramped up at night a decent amount for the first two nights, and I haven't take a decent crap since Monday morning, but all in all, not terrible. I missed drinking, obviously, but not as much as I thought I would.
I did not miss feeling overly full, bloated and overall disgusting. That was nice and I'd like to keep that going. Frankly, you really don't notice it too much during that day when you're doing stuff. At least I didn't.
In the end, I probably lost about six pounds and around an inch in my chest and waist.
I've also noticed, at least today, that I don't feel nearly as hungry as I used to. I ate this morning but stopped pretty early in the meal, and I haven't really felt the need to eat today like I thought I would after starving myself for 72 hours.
Will I do it again? Absolutely. Plus, you know, now I can feel a tad better about stuffing my face with food and alcohol all next week.
Do I look like Dana White? Nope. But did I before? Hell no. So, it's a wash.
Kristin Cavallari returns fire on Jay Cutler
Now, I also don't look anything like Kristin Cavallari. Not many people do, if we're being frank.
For those who forgot, Kristin and Jay Cutler called it quits a few years back, and both are officially back on the prowl.
Smokin' Jay unveiled his new girlfriend, Sam Robertson, last month, and she's a keeper:
Yeah, definitely a keeper.
Anyway, Kristin Cavallari has been a damn pistol on Instagram for the better part of a year -- traveling to Europe, taking steamy saunas, posing in her underwear on a set of stairs. You know, the works.
Looks like our girl saw Jay's new love interest and decided to get back out to the party scene while she's still young.
Check and mate, Jay. Your move:
Jimbo Fisher's last dance
My goodness Jay Cutler has one hell of a resume. He drove me NUTS his final season in Miami, but I respect the hell out of him. Still sad that he couldn't hang on to Kristin Cavallari, but maybe it was for the best.
Same can't be said for the Jimbo Fisher-Texas A&M relationship, which ended somewhat shockingly last Sunday -- hours after the Aggies drilled Miss. State, 51-10.
Not really sure a ton of us saw this one coming -- at least not with two games left and after a 41-point win -- and I can assure you Jimbo didn't.
Either that or he's one hell of an actor:
It's fantasy football trade deadline SZN
Yeah, that doesn't sound like someone who knows he's about to have some time off. Also ... not a great victory speech, I gotta say. Sort of lame.
I know the Aggies ain't going anywhere this year and it's another down year, but still, that's it? All Jimbo does it sort of relitigate what just happened on the field and move on.
Just thought it would be a little deeper than that, but I'm also used to watching Mike McDaniel give post-game speeches and he's maybe the weirdest dude on the planet.
Anyway, all that to say Jimbo was canned like 12 hours later. Hell, he may have been canned 12 minutes later, I don't know. Enjoy UCLA, big guy!
Now, let's talk fantasy football.
Here are my two rosters, side-by-side. One on the left is 6-4. One on the right is 5-5. Both in pretty decent spots to make the playoffs, but both also appear to be following the Cowboys' track record of getting there and immediately getting ousted.
Let's beef them up.
Thank you, Charissa Thompson
I know what you're thinking -- my running back room on the right is rough. Well, that's because I had a ton of JK Dobbins stock this year and he got hurt 5 minutes into the season. Been an uphill climb ever since.
For the roster on the right, I'm currently trying my damndest to get a guy in my league to give me De'Von Achane. I told him I'd give him Bijan, Charbonnet and Rice for Achane and D'Andre Swift.
He also has Ken Walker, so figured I'd try to lure him with his handcuff. We'll see. I doubt he'll do it. Anyone who can come up with a trade that works will get a cut of my championship winnings should I get that far. Go!
Now, let's head on down to the field to Charissa Thompson for the halftime report!
Love it. Look, Charissa's taking some heat for this today, but I say thank you! Duh. We all knew this, right? On some level, we all knew it deep down, because it's so obvious.
Halftime reports are the WORST. At this point, unless you're talking to Mike McDaniel and he starts sprinting somewhere like a lunatic, it's all the exact same thing.
We have to tackle better. We have to get off the field. I'd like to see us run the ball better. Well, for starters, we have to stop hurting ourselves on first and second down.
That's it. That's every single halftime interview. And you know what else? And this is 100000% true -- I just wrote all of that without watching the video first, because I wanted to see how close I could get.
See? Easy.
Good for you, Charissa. Thank you for sparing us the BS and, frankly, making your job a little easier. Work smarter, not harder, people.
Queen.
Tua's new look and Target's new Santa
That one still gets me every time. We were so dumb during COVID. Well, not we. I wasn't. I live in Florida and frankly I'm still not sure if COVID ever really happened.
But everyone else was. I mean, look at that interview! Because of ... COVID!!!! I hope our kids laugh their asses off at us when they read the history books.
Rapid-fire time because I've got whiskey to reintroduce my body to.
First up? MY DAMN QUARTERBACK!
I mean, just shut the rest of the damn season down. Cornrow Tua is the final step. Buckle the hell up, because it's about to be a bloodbath.
Jarring to see. I don't see Drake, but I DO see Kyler Murray. I mean, he's literally Tiny Kyler Murray, right?
Next!
Let's head out to Target, where losing billions of dollars apparently still isn't enough to stop them from being as woke as humanely possible.
I wrote about it yesterday, so read it here when you get a minute. Bottom line?
The retail giant that pissed off any sane American earlier this year when they sold pride clothes to kids and threw some tuck bathing suits on the shelves was BACK at it this week with a brand new hire and some new Christmas merchandise:
Genie Bouchard takes us home
The above picture was taken by OutKick's very own Matt Reigle at his Target last week. Least shocking thing I've ever seen.
The odds of Target having a gay nutcracker this year were probably -10000 on the new Hard Rock app.
And while this isn't real, it might as well be:
"The new, incredibly inclusive Santa decoration has already hit store shelves to much fanfare. 'I never in a million years thought I'd see a Santa doll that so accurately represented who I am,' said Muhamed Wong, the sole member of the trans Muslim Chinese quadruple amputee community. 'I salute Target for finally making a holiday doll that includes people like me. Well, I mean I would salute Target, but I don't have any arms. Allah willing, I'm going to roll myself home with my new Santa doll and proudly display it to my friends coming over for Kung Pao chicken.'"
*Chefs kiss.*
Take us home, Genie. Let's have a night.
OutKick Nightcaps is a daily column set to run Monday through Friday at 4 p.m. (roughly, we’re not robots).
We Team Kristin Cavallari or Team Sam? Email me at Zach.Dean@OutKick.com.