Kim Kardashian Can't Breathe, Dogs Pretend To Be Pandas, Bubble Subs, Pickled Dr. Peppers & Sorry St. Louis
There's this really annoying thing that the NFL does every year.
No, I'm not talking about the rule changes or the terrible Thursday night match-ups or even the Pro Bowl. I'm talking about the schedule release.
First off, they never come out and just tell us when it's going to be. They guard the schedule release date like it's a state secret and we — the fans and media — can just sit tight and like it until Daddy Goodell decides to throw us some crumbs. We're forced to sit through endless hype videos, rumored "leaked" games and speculation about how many streaming services we're going to have to purchase in order to watch all 18 weeks.
We thought the schedule release might happen this Thursday. Historically, the NFL likes to roll out this spectacle roughly two weeks after the draft. But now, there are rumors the release may be delayed at least another week.
And don't even get me started on the release itself. We have to have a whole television broadcast — Selection Sunday style — where we wait with bated breath to see if the league has blessed our favorite team with any prime time slots or if we're forever doomed to noon on Sunday.
And the team social media? They can't just list the schedule in plain text. No, no. You will sit through a three-minute-long elaborate "reveal video," and you will like it!
Get on with it, Roger. I have hotels to book and tickets to buy.
And on that note, I could use a beverage. You could, too. Grab a cold one and get comfy. Before we get to Nightcaps, though, I need to clear something up:
I Have Upset The City Of St. Louis
A couple of days ago, I wrote about how the St. Louis Battlehawks' attendance numbers are blowing all the other UFL clubs out of the water. I argued maybe — just maybe — that's because the city's fans really miss having an NFL team so they are just clinging to whatever football they can get.
READ: Desperate For A Pro Football Team, St. Louis Is Dominating UFL In Attendance
Apparently, that offended some Battlehawks' faithful.
Anonymous writes:
Hello, just wanted to let you know as a St. Louis media agent. The fans at the Battlehawks' game are just passionate about supporting local teams. We are not desperate, dear. I think you are reaching a bit. We have fans coming from 200 miles way out of state to support St. Louis and the Dome.
If you did your research, the whole population of NFL fans hated what happened to us after losing the Rams.
We are not desperate, we are supportive.
And another:
St. Louis is just a sports passionate city. With a metro area of almost 3 million residents, we can compete better than a city like Atlanta, Detroit or Houston.
Amber:
Listen "dear," I might have taken a little jab in the headline, but I feel like the article was wholly complimentary of the city, the team and its fanbase.
Regardless, I send my sincerest apologies to St. Louis. Don't hate me — I love your BBQ. And next time I'm in town, maybe I'll even hit up The Dome for a Battlehawks game. But only if I get to hang with these guys:
KAW IS LAW.
(Photo by Rick Ulreich/Icon Sportswire via Getty Images)
Someone Check On Kim Kardashian
My entire timeline on every social media platform is flooded with Met Gala content. Rich, out-of-touch celebrities all trying to outdo each other in ridiculous flashy costumes en route to a party that costs $75,000.
This actress made her red carpet debut! Did you see what so-and-so was wearing?! [Model I've never heard of] was stunning in Oscar de la Renta!
In the words of Stephen A. Smith: "I'm here to tell you right now… we don't care."
So I'm not going to harp on the annual parade of elitist douchebaggery. But I am going to briefly talk about Kim Kardashian. Because baby, what are we doing?
The SKIMS founder rolled up to the Gala in a corset so tight I'm pretty certain they had to remove some ribs to make it work. She was visibly uncomfortable, couldn't breathe and had to be helped up the stairs — likely so she wouldn't pass out.
I speak for all women when I say no one asked for this, Kim. Get as many plastic surgeries as you want (and she has had plenty), but we left extreme corseting in the Victorian Era. We are not going back!
Her internal organs would be screaming for help if they weren't being suffocated and squished into oblivion right now.
There's a woman at my gym who wears a waist trainer similar to this, and I dread the impending 911 call we'll have to make when she collapses on the elliptical.
Chinese Zoo Makes Its Own Pandas
It's a real-life Build-A-Bear!
Apparently, baby pandas are hard to come by. So a zoo in China found a way around it. The Taizhou Zoo in Jiangsu Province decided to dye Chow Chow puppies black and white in an effort to pass them off as pandas.
And they would have gotten away with it, too, if the darn things hadn't started barking!
Apparently, some Chinese Karens were upset — claiming the panda cosplay was actually animal cruelty, and not just a rip-off to visitors who paid to see bears. But a zoo spokesperson said that's ridiculous.
"People also dye their hair," rationalized the spokesperson. "Natural dye can be used on dogs if they have long fur."
And he's right, you know. It's certainly been done.
Hey, I'd rather they pass the dogs off as pandas than grill and eat them.
That's not a racist joke, that's actual observation from Hsin Ch’en, a pet shop owner in Chengdu, Sichuan, who said the demand for these Chow Chows is through the roof.
"Ten years ago, the natural instinct of a Chinese person was to eat a dog," Hsin Ch’en told London’s Metro newspaper. "Now we are like Westerners and want one as a companion. The cute breeds like French bulldogs and labradors were the favorites, but now it is the panda dog."
As the owner of a 15-year-old doggo who is 17% Chow Chow, I don't appreciate this pet shop owner suggesting they are not "cute" breeds. But whatever.
Think I could pass her off as a panda bear?
Of course, Chinese zoos have a long history of fake bears.
Remember that "sun bear" who went viral because it waved like a human and was built like Hank Hill? We're all pretty sure this is just a dude in a costume.
From OutKick's Bobby Burack: Is This Human-Looking Bear In China Real?
That thing could have walked the red carpet at the Met Gala and no one would bat an eye.
Now, I'd love to see ManBear (not to be confused with ManBearPig) adopt a baby Panda Dog so that we can come full circle in a future edition of Nightcaps.
In REAL Animal News…
If you follow me on social media, you know I'm a big hiker. Every week on my day off, I go out and touch grass — something the chronically-on-the-Internet folks need to do more often.
Anyway, me, my husband and some friends of ours are planning a big RV trip out West next year to hike the Grand Tetons and Yellowstone. While my friends are busy worrying about building up their cardio and shopping for quality hiking/camping gear, I'm laser focused on what I will do if I have to square up with some wildlife.
I hike mostly in Tennessee. Sure, we have some black bears out East, but the worst animals I typically have to deal with in the woods are mosquitoes and the occasional copperhead. So I just need to make sure I have a plan if I encounter a grizzly, a herd of buffalo or a wolf out in the western wilderness.
I can tell you for certain one thing I will not do, though: I will not march up to a fully grown bison and give it a swift kick.
I highly recommend throwing a couple of cold brewskis in your pack to enjoy when you reach the summit of your hike. I do not recommend getting so intoxicated that you start a fight with a 6-foot, 2,000-pound beast with horns.
That guy's lucky he hurt his foot and wasn't found gored to death in a creek.
Dr. Pepper, Please — And Hold The Pickles
It has come to my attention that some lunatics like to put pickles in their soda. And I'm not just talking about pregnant ladies with weird cravings.
Some TikToker who calls herself Mississippi Memaw went viral after she pulled up to Sonic and ordered a Dr. Pepper with pickles. And I don't know what they have going on down there in Mississippi, but the drive-thru employee didn't even question it. Totally normal.
I've mentioned in Nightcaps before: My love for a crispy, refreshing fountain Diet Coke knows no bounds. And I do enjoy pickles. (Particularly, the Grillo's brand. If you haven't tried them, try them. No other briny cucumber will ever compare.)
But would I like them together? Seems a little wild to me.
Or maybe I'm just late to the pickled pop party, because apparently this is a thing…
Maybe Memaw was on to something!
I don't think I can find this particular brand at my local Kroger, but, for the sake of Big-J Journalism, I'm going to make my own attempt at Diet Coke pickles. I will let you know next Tuesday how that goes.
Meanwhile, speaking of fast food drive-thrus, another Big-J Journalist here at OutKick is doing the Lord's work. My friend and colleague Matt Reigle visited the world's biggest McDonald's this week so you don't have to.
THE FULL REPORT: World's Biggest McDonald's: 7 Life Lessons Learned While Eating Pizza, Pasta Under The Golden Arches
Spoiler: He didn't order a Pickled Dr. Pepper.
The Titanic Sub Fiasco Taught Us Nothing
In June, four dudes paid $250,000 each to explore the wreckage of the Titanic in a metal tube steered by a PlayStation controller. But before it could complete its voyage, the Titan submersible imploded — killing all five people on board.
Having learned absolutely nothing, a company called Triton Submarines has developed a panoramic glass underwater vehicle that can take passengers 656 feet into the depths of the sea.
It's a "luxury" travel vessel, "transforming from a cocktail bar to a casino at the whim of its passengers. Leather finishes and mood lighting set the stage for an underwater escapade, whether it’s a high-roller’s club or a spa clinic. It’s an ‘experience’ sub against the backdrop of the ocean’s wonders."
It's completely moronic.
Have you ever heard of the "simulation theory"? It's the idea that our perceived reality is a powerful computer simulation, possibly created by a higher being. In other words, everyone in earth is really just a character in some sick video game.
I'm not saying I necessarily subscribe to simulation theory. But have you ever played a video game where you try to take your player farther than the boundaries the designer has developed? I'm not much of a gamer, but I have fallen off the track on Mario Kart's Rainbow Road, and I know what happens. You simply die. You disappear. Poof. Gone.
Kind of like when you try to go too deep in the ocean or too far into outer space.
So if you have the millions of dollars to embark on this underwater submarine quest, I'm begging you… put your money to better, safer use.
Go to the Met Gala or something.
OutKick Nightcaps is a daily column set to run Monday through Friday at 4 p.m.
Follow me on X / Twitter at @TheAmberHarding or email me at Amber.Harding@OutKick.com.