Kim Kardashian Has A White Christmas, Woman Is Turned On By A Tree, Meet Neil The Seal & I Have Beef With The MVP Race

Well, folks, Christmas has come and gone. It's now THAT time of year. And you know exactly what I'm talking about.

We have reached that one week — in between Christmas and the New Year — where absolutely nothing productive gets done. We're all just boozing, sleeping, eating leftovers and contemplating how long we can leave up the Christmas decorations before the neighbors get concerned.

What day is it? What time is it? I do not know. I'm about to eat some spaghetti pizza.

(Angelo's Pizzeria)

Yes, that is spaghetti on top of pizza.

It's just one of the many delicacies here in my husband's hometown of Dixon/BFE, Illinois. Other redeeming qualities include a halfway decent sandwich shop and sometimes (if you're lucky) you can see buffalo roaming in the grasslands.

Don't get me wrong: I do enjoy our visits here. It's fun to see friends and family, and my father-in-law's house is enviably lovely.

But Dixon itself is kind of a shit hole. Driving around town, you can admire falling-down old houses, boarded up businesses, abandoned factories and signs that advertise slot machines in every single bar, gas station and coffee shop.

No offense if you're one of the 27 people who live here. But sheesh, it's depressing.

I got to spend five days in my hometown of Indianapolis, though, so I'm paying my dues now.

Speaking of Indy, we had a hell of a time there. I'm still recovering. We hit every speakeasy in town, saw an '80s hair metal cover band and participated in my family's highly competitive white elephant gift exchange.

My husband lost — big time. He ended up with a Golden Girls card game and a package of toy "flinging sticky poop." Meanwhile, I ended up with my brother's lazy contribution of a regifted cocktail shaker and a $5 scratch-off ticket.

Joke's on him, though: I won $100 on that scratcher. Not too shabby for a $20 gift limit!

But it just reinforced my rule that I will never, ever buy lottery tickets for someone other than myself. Imagine gifting someone a lottery ticket that ends up winning, like, $10,000... and all you take home is a pack of toy sticky poop.

I would be ILL.

Anyway, you're probably tired of reading my holiday ramblings. Not that you have anything better to do anyway. So refill your glass and let's do some Nightcaps!

Who's the NFL MVP this week?

What an incredible long weekend of football! As a Dolphins fan, I capped off my Christmas Eve with several bourbons and several near-heart attacks as Miami won a barn burner on a last-second field goal.

It was truly glorious, and I cannot wait to relive it on Hard Knocks tonight.

Meanwhile, let's check in with the Kansas City Chiefs.

Just a perfect metaphor for the state of things in KC.

And to you Chiefs fans out there, I'm not sorry. Y'all have had your fun. Time to shut up and let other fan bases enjoy football now.

Wait, one more...

LOL.

Anyway, without Patrick Mahomes, the MVP race is heating up!

Last week on OutKick the Morning, I talked about how annoyed I am with the commentary surrounding MVP. And no, it's not because Tua and Tyreek aren't the favorites. I'm annoyed because of the recency bias.

Every Tuesday, there's a massive overreaction. Remember when Jalen Hurts was the second coming of Jesus? Well, he lost a couple, so there goes that. And leading up to last week, Dak Prescott was the greatest thing to ever happen to football. He loses one game to the Buffalo Bills, and he's suddenly terrible. Brock Purdy's odds skyrocket.

Never mind the fact that earlier in the season — when the San Francisco 49ers lost three in a row — no one was calling for Purdy to win MVP. In fact, a lot of talking heads were saying he should be benched! But everyone seems to have forgotten about all that.

Until last night when young Brock didn't look so good. Now, he sucks again and he's a total fraud. Lamar Jackson, you're up! But if Lamar loses to the Dolphins next week, everyone will go on about, "This is why no one wanted to pay him in the offseason!"

So can we just relax with the knee-jerk reactions? Let's take a look at the player's whole body of work — from the start of the season to the end — before we crown a king.

Or just argue amongst yourselves. I don't care.

All I'm concerned about right now is that No. 1 seed, baby! Mostly so Colin Cowherd will shut all the way up.

I take that back. There is one more thing I care about: winning the OutKick fantasy football championship this weekend.

Everyone go to Twitter and tell Matt Reigle his team sucks.

Coke For Christmas?

You got me, TMZ.

I saw the tweet below, and I clicked on it SO fast. I thought, "Damn, I guess we're just really open about drug use now."

Well, as you might expect, that "coke" is not drugs. Kim Kardashian threw an extravagant, rich people Christmas party complete with celebrity douchery, a performance by Babyface and custom Coca-Cola party favors.

They also had sledding. Yes, sledding in Southern California. Because Kim K had her entire estate covered in fake snow. Imagine how much that costs! And how do you even clean that up?

Actually, I'm just being a jerk because I'm jealous.

See, I thought traveling all the way up to Northern Illinois meant I might get a white Christmas this year. I was really looking forward to sipping some spiked hot chocolate and blasting Michael Bublé while I watched my dog dashing through the snow. You know, just like Jesus intended for his birthday party.

But no. What I got was dense fog, gloominess, rain and 57 degrees.

And while I was completely robbed of my white Christmas, Kim took hers to another level.

And I'm not just talking about the snow. Or the coke.

Kim Kardashian's Depressing White Christmas

As I've made very clear in previous editions of Nightcaps, I have strong feelings about Christmas decorations. They should be Christmas colors: red, green, silver and gold.

Kim, on the other hand, does not believe in color at all. Her house is all white everything — not a single speck of color in sight.

Imagine spending (probably) millions just to make your house look like a festive hospital wing.

She even wrapped her gifts all in white, with SKIMS T-shirts in place of bows. I hope she sent Adam Silver one.

But at least the other Kardashian-Jenners had the decency to insert some red and green. (Scroll on the Instagram post below.)

Kim probably didn't allow those gifts in her house, though. Wouldn't want to ruin the sad, depressing aesthetic.

I'd really like to know what's in those boxes, actually. I have a hard enough time trying to pick out gifts for my friends and family.

What do you buy for people who have LITERALLY everything?

It's a problem I'd like to have.

The Ultimate Tree Hugger

Apparently, we have to add an "E" to LGBTQ2IA+. Because eco-sexual is now a thing.

A 45-year-old woman named Sonja Semyonova has fallen in love with an oak tree, which she says fills her with "erotic energy."

"There was an eroticism with something so big and so old holding my back," the tree hugger said.

And you thought YOU loved the environment? Your move, Greta Thunberg.

(Facebook: Sonja Semyonova)

Sonja explained that she first started noticing a connection with the oak when she would take her daily walks through the park. After a couple of years, she realized she was sexually attracted to it.

Much more so than she'd ever been to a person.

"The presence I feel with the tree is what I'm looking for, but that's a fantasy with a person," she said. "I had been craving that rush of erotic energy that comes when you meet a new partner, and that is not sustainable."

Sure, you might think she's a loony toon. But Sonja doesn't think this is weird at all. In fact, you, too, might be an eco-sexual without even knowing it!

"There's a reason we want to go for picnics in parks and hike in nature," she said. "What we fail to notice is that the reason we want this is to tap in to the life force that comes from these things, which is the erotic."

Interesting. And here I thought I just liked sunshine and mountain views.

Look, Sonja, I know you're not really into humans. But if you change your mind, I wrote about this guy a few months ago who would be your perfect match.

Now, let's move on to some more nature things, which you may or may not find erotic.

I sincerely hope you do not.

You Need To Meet Neil The Seal

TikTok is normally a cesspool of idiocy, but as of late, I can't look away. And there's one reason for that: Neil the Seal.

In case you aren't familiar, Neil is a 1,300-pound elephant seal who has made himself at home in Tasmania. He's still just a little guy — full-grown males can weigh anywhere from 3,000 to 8,000 pounds.

Anyway, seals do this thing called "hauling out." That's when they come ashore and rest for four or five weeks before returning to the sea for foraging. Most of them just chill on the beach and soak up the sun, but Neil is more social than your average seal.

So every day, he takes himself into town and does whatever the hell he wants to do. Sometimes he takes up residence in people's front yards.

And if Neil decides you need the day off, he'll block your car so you can't get to work.

He's easily entertained by posts and traffic cones.

And you can't tell him anything.

So Neil is just vibing through life. Doing whatever he wants and napping wherever he wants.

Just like all the rest of us this week.

OutKick Nightcaps is a daily column set to run Monday through Friday at 4 p.m.

Follow me on X / Twitter at @TheAmberHarding or email me at Amber.Harding@OutKick.com.