Kate Upton Has A Florida Pool Party, Kid Flips Off Joe Biden & Dead Uncle Saga Turns Into A Murder Mystery
Well, Day 1 of running again in the books. Was it fun? Nope. Were my legs 1,000 pounds when I was done? Yep.
Did I enjoy waiting until 7 p.m. for my first drink of the day? God no. That sucked. Brutal.
But I did it. Back on the horse. What a rush. I already feel less fat and disgusting. May not look it, but I feel it, and that's one hell of a way to head into a big weekend.
On that note, welcome to a Friday Nightcaps – where I regroup, recover, and gear up for another one tomorrow. Not today, of course. It's Friday. I'm not an animal.
We're gonna be all over the map for the next few minutes, so let's jump the hell in.
We'll check in with Kate Upton this afternoon as we await the return of Justin Verlander later tonight. She's excited for him, so we are, too.
What else? We have a predictable update in the dead uncle case from earlier this week – and some new footage! – and we also have one hell of slogan pumped out by the Washington Commanders. It's got the internet all horny today for obvious reasons.
We'll also update our aviation list with the Colorado Rockies, flip off Joe Biden, and dive into the biggest press conference 180 I've ever witnessed.
What a lineup!
Pour a shot down your gullet, then pour another, and THEN settle in for a Friday 'Cap!
Kate Upton (and Houston) welcomes back Justin Verlander
While everyone's out there today decoding Taylor Swift's new album, I'm over here riding with the classics.
And Kate Upton is very much a classic.
Baseball's No. 1 WAG is BACK tonight as Justin makes his debut with the ‘Stros, and he’s gonna need all that pent-up sex drive from Kate (what does that even mean?), because he's been AWFUL in the minors this season.
How bad? Well, how does 11 (!!!) earned runs in seven rehab innings sound? My God.
Not great, but whatever. We're not here to shit on Justin Verlander. I assume he'll be fine?
Regardless, Kate Upton is still very much in her prime, and welcomed our man back to the bigs from their pool just this morning:
The Rockies help us add a humdinger to the aviation list
Welcome back, Justin! That looks miserable, but I get it, because when your wife is a Sports Illustrated model, you suck it up and power through. Business decision 101 stuff.
Sticking in the majors …
… how about the NUTS on this Rockies coach last week? Do you realize how poorly this could've ended?
That happened while the team was en route to Toronto last weekend. And some will say, ‘Zach, stop being so dramatic. Nothing happened! It’s all ham & eggs in the sky. Lighten up!'
To which I'd reply with … have you EVER seen Air Disasters on the Smithsonian channel? Didn't think so. If you had, you'd remember this:
You see? Stupid things happen to stupid people. And when this stupid pilot let stupid Eldar sit in the captain's chair for 30 seconds, everyone died.
You think hitting coach Hensley Meulens is equipped to fly a 757? The Rockies STINK. Their team OBP ain't even 757. I sure as hell don't want Hensley at the helm. This is why it's the year of the road trip, folks.
Don't be sheep!
You know the drill … In the last three months we've had:
- Alaska Boeing Max loses a door mid-flight.
- Atlas Air blows an engine in the sky.
- Guy in Utah gets sucked into a commercial airliner while running on tarmac.
- Another Max plane gets dinged because of pesky loose bolts.
- Wheel nearly comes off commercial flight right before takeoff.
- United CEO is also a drag queen.
- Virgin flight missing bolts.
- Holes mis-drilled in new Max planes.
- A pair of JetBlue planes collide at Logan
- Perfectly-sane Britney Spears pilots a plane
- NYC bound plane makes a U-turn because of a fire in the cockpit
- Helicopter makes a U-turn four seconds after liftoff, winds up stuck between a building a light pole
- United flight bursts into flames mid-flight
- United pilot patches together a window before takeoff
- Rockies hitting coach pilots a United 757
RIP Bill Tobin, the author of this legendary soundbite
Another big day for United! This is what happens when you put DEI over everything. Don't you forget it.
Spirit all the way!
Now, let's get pumped for the NFL Draft – T-minus 6 days, baby! – with former NFL GM Bill Tobin, who died this morning but will ALWAYS be remembered for stuffing Mel Kiper into a bodybag for the rest of time:
RIP, Bill! We'll never forget you, especially this time of year. Great snag on Refrigerator Perry, too. It worked out.
Take that, Mel!
Speaking of next week's draft, the Washington Football Team has the internet all horned up for their second pick:
Biden gets the bird, Ryan Garcia flips a switch & a dead uncle update
Those two are unrelated, but equally funny.
The new slogan? There's a Zach Wilson-mom joke in there somewhere, and the internet has made it all day. That one was served up on a silver platter.
The second one? Who has it worse? The team with no 30+ touchdown passer in the history of the league, or the one whose last one is in BLACK AND WHITE?
How did Sexy Rexy not toss 30 tuddies for the Bears back in the day? Hell, how did JAY CUTLER not do it? Wild. It's such a sad looking graphic for the Commanders, though. I'd almost rather have nobody pictured than a black and white one. Brutal.
Rapid-fire time as we barrel towards a big weekend.
First up? Sleepy Joe!!!
I mean, my God. I've seen a lot of bad Joe Biden clips in the past few years. A lot. Too many to even remember.
But this one … this one is the worst. It's the first real time Joe has legitimately reminded me of my grandfather in the last few years of his life. Seriously. The blank look on his face. The way he walks. The way he talks. It's like you're dealing with a toddler all over again, minus the energy.
They have NO idea what's really going on, and just sort of stare at you until you guide them in the proper direction.
It's painful. Wawa does make a great sub, though. Point for Joe there!
Next? Speaking of people who probably shouldn't be holding the nuclear football …
The dead Brazilian man wheeled into a bank by his niece in a bizarre plot to get her a bank loan was malnourished when he died — and may have been poisoned, according to reports.
The cause of death for Paulo Roberto Braga, 68, has initially been listed as broncho-aspiration and heart failure, according to an autopsy report obtained by Metrópoles, which noted that he showed signs of malnourishment.
An emergency care doctor who saw him suspected he had been poisoned — with the body sent for toxicological testing on a blood sample from his stomach, according to the report.
Gee, ya don't say? Shocking. Never saw this coming.
For those wondering, niece Erika de Souza Vieira Nunes is facing charges of theft by way of fraud and desecration of a corpse, but her attorney is already playing the mental health card.
Frankly, it's not the worst card to play at this point.
While we're on the topic of mental health issues … how about this all-time 180 from fighter Ryan Garcia at yesterday's weigh-in?
(Please, PLEASE, throw the headphones in for just a quick 12 seconds right about now. I'm begging you.)
Karin Hart takes us into a big weekend
WHOA! What a twist. Didn't see it coming, did you? So much anger. To pivot from our Lord & Savior to that is just a stunning turn, but those cats are built different.
Better hope the Big Man Upstairs loses that footage come judgment day. Tough to come back from that.
And tough to leave my big, beautiful, tax-free state of Florida – as golf influencer Karin Hart is quickly finding out.
It's #beachSZN down here starting tomorrow, when we all flirt with the mid-90s for the first time since October.
Ain't stopping Karin, ain't stopping me.
Let's go have a big weekend.
See you Monday.
OutKick Nightcaps is a daily column set to run Monday through Friday at 4 p.m. (roughly, we’re not robots).
Does Joe Biden know what a Wawa is? Email me at Zach.Dean@OutKick.com.