Joe Flacco Is A Hero, Jim Harbaugh Describes One & Can You Handle This Wiener?
Don't worry about calling a doctor to diagnose me, it's clear I've got (Joe) Flacco fever.
Yep, this Baltimore-hater never thought I'd be buying my kids Joe Flacco shirts, but here we are. And frankly, I love it. I'm fully buying into the NFL's second-most famous neckbeard (Kyle Orton keeps the top spot) being the hero Cleveland never knew they needed or wanted.
Now, I can't imagine life without Joe Flacco.
We're barely scraping by here in northeast Ohio, living in Biden's America. But my not-so-heavy paycheck isn't preventing me from securing the essentials ahead of Saturday's Browns - Texans Wildcard game.
It has to be impossible to not like current king of Cleveland, quarterback Joe Flacco. (Photo by Nick Cammett/Getty Images)
The house is now fully equipped with 'Flacc Around and Find Out' and 'Whacko for Flacco' items, just to name a few.
My whole house has Flacco Fever (and the merchandise).
As a lifelong Cleveland fan, I fully expect the season to end in disaster (it always does), probably as soon as Saturday afternoon.
But dammit, I'm enjoying this ride. Seriously, is there a more fun guy to root for than Joe Flacco?
Despite making north of $150 million in his career, Flacco is an unassuming everyday...Joe.
This is the same dude who celebrated a $100+ million contract extension with the Ravens in 2013 by hitting the McDonald's drive thru.
And just last month, Flacco had no idea how much the Browns were paying him or if his checks had hit his bank account.
That's my quarterback!
I'll take the Flacc Attack over the serial masturbator on Injured Reserve any day of the week.
Jim Harbaugh Used To Be A Big TV Guy
Joe Flacco's not the only quarterback deserving of our attention. Former signal caller and current National Champion, Jim Harbaugh, is equally worthy of the spotlight. Much like Ravens-Flacco, I'm no fan of Harbaugh. It's nothing personal with that weirdo from up north, I just don't like the fact that he's been bullying Ohio State of late.
Plus, there's the whole khakis thing. But, whatever.
What I do appreciate about Captain Comeback is his work on the small screen, away from the sidelines.
In case you forgot, Harbaugh made a guest appearance on Saved by the Bell: The New Class, the spinoff off the greatest Saturday morning '90s show (I will hear no arguments against it) - Saved by the Bell - to grace television sets.
He played himself and was also cast to be Screech's cousin.
Most importantly, he described what it means to be a hero:
"Being a hero isn't about what you do out there on the field. It's about who you are, in here (hand on heart). It's about helping your friends, your school, and your community," Harbaugh told Bayside students. "
In addition to an appearance on SBTB, Harbaugh also found his way in front of cameras in Judge Judy's courtroom. But there was no acting involved. Harbaugh was seated in the courtroom, alongside his father, because he's a fan of the show.
Harbaugh proudly admitted to his Judge Judy fandom in November when addressing Michigan's alleged cheating scandal, telling media members: “I’ve watched a lot of shows. I’ve watched Judge Judy a lot.”
Can't wait to see where coach ends up this offseason. I've got Fox's The Masked Singer as the odds-on favorite for a Harbaugh guest spot and CBS's The Talk as the most-likely audience spot for coach, who seems like he'd enjoy an up close with co-host Jerry O'Connell.
*If you've got a Harbaugh tv cameo that is must-see, send it my way: anthony.farris@outkick.com or on X: @OhioAF.
Can You Handle The Oscar Mayer Wienermobile?
If you feel capable of handling a big wiener and are seeking employment, I've got good news for you -Oscar Mayer is in need of your services.
The meat company, known mostly for its hot dogs and Wienermobile, is seeking "hotdoggers" to steer its 27 foot long, 11 foot high Weinermobile across the country. And if you're selected to drive a wiener, you'll be getting paid a salary as well as a weekly allowance for food and personal travel.
But, you'll be unlikely to afford much more than hot dogs if you decide to accept the stiff challenge of handling this big wiener.
Oscar Mayer is paying the lucky driver $35,600 in salary and $150 per week in allowance. Not great, though there are some perks to steering an oversized hot dog through the streets of America. Hotdoggers will receive 18 days of PTO, have hotel expenses covered and full benefits.
The company plans to hire 12 hotdoggers to get behind the wheel. And there's not just one Weinermobile, there's six. Those 12 hotdoggers can expect to travel roughly 20,000 miles and cover more than 200 events between them.
This you can handle this Wienermobile? (Photo by Tim Boyle/Getty Images)
Per the company's job listing, this is a one-year assignment and among the qualities they're looking for in candidates is a "spokesperson for Oscar Mayer who positively represents the brand in radio and television appearances, newspaper interviews, retail events, charity functions, and a variety of other activities."
Don't dick around, get those wiener applications in now!
Let Me Lose Your Money!
From wieners to (maybe) winners we go! If you followed along earlier this fall, you know that Bob Uecker’s career batting (.200) average was significantly higher than the percentage of wins I had dropping money on #MACtion, also known as midweek MAC football games.
With that said, I’m going to offer up two college hoops picks for tonight. If you take my advice, I’ll likely lose you money. But if you fade my picks, maybe you can double your Weinermobile salary for the month.
So, here goes:
Providence +6 at St. John’s: If we know anything, it’s that Rick Pitino likes to operate quickly. And that’s exactly what he’s done in his first season at St. John’s, guiding the team to an 11-4 overall record. But this is a conference game and the Red Storm is coming off a big road win over Villanova. I think Providence, where Pitino once roamed the sidelines as head coach, keeps it close but St. John’s wins by less than six.
Rick Pitino is notably quick, but I'm not sure his St. John's Red Storm can outlast Providence by six or more. (Photo by Mitchell Layton/Getty Images).
UConn -4 at Xavier: Give me the defending champs. The Huskies have won three-straight and are 13-2 overall, but just 1-2 on the road. But Xavier’s not very good. They’re 7-7 on the season and just 1-2 in the conference. The Huskies lead the Big East in scoring at 83.5 per game, nearly 10 points better than Xavier (74.6). I don’t think the Musketeers can keep up.
*All lines courtesy of DraftKings Sportsbook.
Speaking Of Losing, Carmen Electra Loses Her Name
Carmen Electra is changing her name...to Carmen Electra. Stay with me. Electra is dropping her birth name, Tara Leigh Patrick, and legally changing her name to the moniker she's used for roughly three decades.
Wait, you thought that was her real name?
TMZ reports that Electra (or was it Patrick?) filed legal documents on December 29 to legally make the name change.
Carmen Electra is aiming to make it official. (Photo by Steve Granitz/WireImage)
Shockingly, Electra did not make an effort to change her name when she was married to Dennis Rodman and then, later, Dave Navarro.
I still can't believe her and Rodman's love was unable to stand the test of time. If they couldn't make it in this crazy world, who can?
How Long Until Bottled Water Is Canceled?
I don't think Rodman and Electra spent much time drinking bottled water during their marriage, but if they did, they could have been consuming MICROPLASTICS!
Oh No!
A new study from scientists at both Rutgers and Columbia has determined that plastic water bottles could contain 240,000 microplastic particles per liter.
Per Time, approximately 90 percent of the microplastics were considered nanoplastics, which can pass through the intestine and lungs into the bloodstream. From there, a bunch of bad stuff can happen. But, we've been drinking bottled water for decades, so I'm going to roll the dice and say we can keep on slugging back Aquafinas for the time being.
When's the last time you heard of someone facing death because of too much microplastic or nanoplastic consumption?
Exactly.
Being that we're in an election year, combined with the fact that Libs currently have nothing to cancel other than Aaron Rodgers, doesn't this seem like the perfectly dumb thing for the oft-offended to try to demonize?
Time quoted Columbia's Wei Min (part of the study) as stating the following about nanoplastics: “It’s not size that matters. It’s the numbers, because the smaller things are, the more easily they can get inside us.”
Somewhere, Michael Scott is smiling.
Let's Quit Hotdogging Around
I've got bets to lose and drinks to finish, so I've gotta run. In the meantime, enjoy the best of the rest and go easy on the microplastics - talk to you all next week!
*Nightcaps publishes at roughly 4pm Monday through Friday.
Follow along on X: @OhioAF