Jim Harbaugh Is Weirder Than We Thought, Kyle Juszczyk's Wife Earns An Invite, Josh Dobbs Gets Higher With Creed & More
I hope you're hungry, because we've got plenty to feast on today.
That's right, one week (and one day) ahead of Thanksfootball, we're going to be snacking on Jim Harbaugh being even weirder than you thought, a BYU Cougar keeping it classy, the proper amount of eye black usage and NASCAR's Kevin Harvick likely waking up and pissing excellence.
And that's not all!
You think I'd spend all this time typing and not include a helping of an NFL WAG? No chance. We're going to invite Kristin Juszczyk, the wife of 49ers fullback Kyle Juszczyk, to the party and make sure the Alexa has Creed's "Higher" cued up on the playlist incase Josh Dobbs stops by.
Along with all that, we're hitting play on a Lions rap and washing away any bad vibes with a non-judgemental fruity cocktail of your choosing. Relax, I'll explain later.
You know what we won't do? Bet any #MACtion. Not after the last two weeks. If you've been following along (of course you have), you know that the MAC has been kind to my eyes but not my wallet.
Now let's quit with the pleasantries and get this Hump Day party started OutKick style!
Jim Harbaugh: Certified Weirdo
I have no idea if Jim Harbaugh knew about Michigan's cheating scandal. But what I do know is that Harbaugh is most certainly a certified weirdo. Most of you probably already knew that. I mean, of course there's the khakis, the shirtless squats, the sleepovers, the "we-fense," and everything we already knew about the Michigan man.
What most of you probably don't already know is that he takes great pride in the fourth knuckle-to-butthole relationship (who doesn't?) and is willing to lay underneath his team's center to ensure that relationship can stand the test of time.
Michigan Wolverines head coach Jim Harbaugh is nothing if not unique. (Photo by Steven King/Icon Sportswire/Corbis/Icon Sportswire via Getty Images).
"He would teach us how to do under center snaps. So it was all about the fourth knuckle at the center's butthole," Sam Schwartzstein, who played center for Stanford when Harbaugh was coaching the Cardinal, told Pardon My Take last week. "When I was working with (then Stanford QB) Andrew Luck, would lay underneath me to make sure Andrew was in there right... so he's on the ground looking up like he's working on a car."
You can hear Schwartzstein retell Harbaugh's auto mechanic approach starting at the 1:34:05 mark of the video below. It does not disappoint:
If there's a coach out there weirder than Harbaugh, I haven't seen him.
Detroit Lions Rap, Also Weird
Let's stay in Michigan and head over to Detroit where a Lions fan released a rap that would never cut it in 8 Mile. I have no idea if it's a joke. I kind of hope it is. But I also kind of don't think it is.
Anyways, where else are you going to find 2:02 of a guy wearing a Calvin Johnson jersey and dropping bars like "we took so many L's, I'm gonna take the dub in for show-and-tell, runnin' these plays like Barry Sanders"?
Jay-Z could never.
And don't forget the final line, "the Lions gonna win, f--- the odds."
Folks, we have ourselves a lyricist in the Motor City.
Eye Black Has Gone Too Far, But Not Because Of Some Dork Race Baiters
You probably heard that the masked up, lib state of California suspended and banned an eighth grader from attending sporting events because he had eye black covering his cheeks while at a recent football game. Though this is a common practice for fans everywhere from pee-wee football through the NFL, some dummy in California deemed the eighth grader was in "blackface."
Ohh California, you are so dumb, so weak and so, so unlikable...
The 13-year-old also earned a two-day school suspension from school administrators. It's too exhausting to waste time on the silliness of the race baiting California idiots at the root of this story. Shouldn't they have better things to do like pay way too much for gas, figure out which gender they want to be today and defund the police?
Anyways, I'll let the Big J's yap about that one on all the hard-hitting news shows this week.
But I will address eye black for a much more serious reason: it's out of control!
I grew up in an era where eye black was used solely to keep the sun out of one's eyes. A line of black under the right eye and another under the left. Simple enough. Now, we've got players in both football and baseball taking to eye black as if they're Hawk and Animal from The Legion of Doom.
It's too much.
Halloween's over. I don't need my offensive and defensive lines spending more time putting their pregame makeup on than my wife. That means you too, Aidan Hutchinson.
Detroit's Aidan Hutchinson puts a lot of effort into his makeup. (Photo by Scott Winters/Icon Sportswire via Getty Images).
A face full up makeup does not make you any more intimidating or talented. If anything, you look silly. The only reason guys are going Bob Ross on their own face is for attention. And it looks nearly as dumb as all those N95 masks out west.
For my money, there is one athlete and one athlete only who can get away with more than a dab of eye black.
Hall of Famer John Randle.
John Randle did it right: (Photo credit: Jonathan Daniel /Allsport).
Disagree with my thinking? Well, you're wrong. But feel free to tell me why via email: anthony.farris@outkick.com or on X, formerly Twitter, Follow along on X: @OhioAF.
Kristin Juszczyk Is A Look We Can Get Behind (Hey Now!)
Now that we got that out of the way, let's focus on something - or someone - a little more aesthetically pleasing. It's been too long since Kristin Juszczyk has graced the pages of OutKick, but that changes today.
Since Juszczyk's husband Kyle found the end zone last weekend, it would only be appropriate to recognize the 7-time Pro Bowler's better half. After all, football is a team sport.
Juszczyk and the 49ers came off their bye week and smacked Jacksonville on Sunday. Apparently all the '9ers needed was a little R&R.
Kyle and Kristin have been married since 2019. Roughly two years after the couple wed, "Juice" signed an five year extension with San Fran worth $27 million. So, Kyle got the bag and the girl. Nice work, if you can get it.
NASCAR's Kevin Harvick Now Has Ricky Bobby's Home
If you thought Kyle and Kristin Juszczyk were the perfect pair, allow me to introduce you to a match made in NASCAR heaven c/o Kevin Harvick and the then-home of Ricky Bobby. Yes, that Ricky Bobby from the Will Ferrell masterpiece: Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby.
On Tuesday, it was reported that Harvick has purchased a Lake Norman, North Carolina mansion that was famously used for some of the iconic scenes in Talladega Nights. Harvick, a former NASCAR champion who's finished in the Top 10 more than 400 times, purchased the home for $6.75 million.
Charlotte's WCNC provided video of Harvick's new pad:
Truly incredible stuff. This would be like Darryl Strawberry opening up the checkbook and putting down roots in Tony Montana's pad.
In any event, here's hoping Harvick starts every meal by reciting: "Jesus, we thank you so much for this bountiful harvest of Dominos, KFC and the always delicious Taco Bell."
Speaking Of Jesus, How About The Fellas Over At BYU...
Alright, I'll be honest, this next gem isn't exactly new. Heck, it's from 2018. But I just stumbled across it this week and had to share it. Something tells me my Nightcaps compadres will appreciate it as much as I did, despite it being on the shelf for 5 years.
I present to you the most BYU player ever: T.J. Haws. This man doesn't need Jesus in his life - he's already there. The Dominos, KFC and Taco Bell on the other hand...probably aren't nearly as present.
Judge for yourselves as Haws trash talks back to a fan in the most heated, yet PG-way possible.
This clip made the rounds in the last few days since the college hoops season is now in full swing. What, you thought it didn't start till March?
Haws was Utah's Mr. Basketball in 2014 and a two time all-conference selection with the Cougars, so you know he was pretty f'n good.
Josh Dobbs Appreciates Creed's Range
I'm not sure if there are any Mormon rock bands out there - with all that polygamy they gotta be rockin' out too, right? - but I do know that pseudo Christian rock band Creed is seemingly as popular as ever.
So too is new Vikings quarterback/rocket scientist/savior Josh Dobbs. Which is fitting, since Dobbs seems to have an appreciation for frontman Scott Stapp's vocal range.
Following Minnesota's second straight Dobbs-led win, the QB's podcast partner, Trey Smith, posted a highlight of a Dobbs touchdown run with Creed's "Higher" playing overtop. As the chorus hit, Smith sang along with Stapp. This left Dobbs impressed with either his co-host, Stapp, or both.
"I wish I could hit that note," Dobbs tweeted in response to the video captioned: CAN YOU TAKE ME HIGHER?
Same Josh, same.
Toast Dobbs With A Fruity Cocktail, We Won't Judge!
What Dobbs has done through two weeks has been impressive. So impressive that it's deserving of a toast. But don't feel like you need to do so with a bourbon, scotch or beer. Nah, go ahead and raise that strawberry daiquiri to the sky. Heck, raise it Higher - (shout out Creed) for all I care.
As if we didn't already know, there's a bunch of drink shaming going on around the globe. And we need to put an end to that - unless you're a dude with a seltzer. I mean, c'mon.
A Reddit user recently posted about vacationing with his son and ordering a piña colada, which led to the waitress essentially making fun of him and questioning his manhood.
What he did next was, well, perfect.
Check it out:
Love the move out of this guy. If you wanna make fun of a dude for indulging in some sweets with a side of alcohol, take the advice of T.J. Haws and shut the f up!
Let's Do This Again Next Week
These piña coladas aren't going to drink themselves, so I'm outta here. We'll do this again next Wednesday as you ready yourself for the pre-Thanksgiving meet up at a way too crowded bar with a bunch of people from high school who either got fat, fake boobs, married, divorced, and/or all of the above.
Until then, polish off these empties!
*Nightcaps publishes at roughly 4pm Monday through Friday.
Follow along on X: @OhioAF