Jennifer Aniston Gets Oiled Down, Full House Sisters At War Over Woke Olympics & Gisele Bündchen On The Beach
Final Hump Day of July. Final night without football until February. It's all coming together, boys and girls. And you know what? August is an underrated month. There, I said it.
I feel like we never talk about August in the pantheon of great months on the calendar. October is clearly the GOAT. I mean, it's not even sort of up for debate. Both football seasons in full swing, baseball playoffs, hockey starts back up, pumpkins out the ass at every turn. The best.
But August? August is sort of like Nightcaps in the pantheon of ‘Caps here at OutKick. Like, Screencaps is October. It’s been around forever, established itself, and consistently sets the standard. I get it. We get it. Hell, we embrace it.
Don't sleep on August, though. It's the first month of football season. Really, if you're being truly honest with yourselves, it's the first month anyone has been excited about since last December.
Nobody cares about January-July. You act like you do, but you don't. We just try to make it through those miserable months unscathed. That's all.
But here we are. Back to August. The pads are back on. Camps are in full swing. In just a few short weeks, we get football on Saturdays again. All damn day. That happens … this month! Everyone is 0-0. A fresh start. Optimism flowing. And the entire year is still basically in front of us.
For those of you with kids of the appropriate age, they're back to school this month. Some, next week. The house becomes just a tad less chaotic for a few glorious hours every afternoon.
That all happens starting tomorrow. And if you can't hump to that, I'd check with your medical provider STAT.
On that note, welcome to a Wednesday Nightcaps – the one where we douse Jennifer Aniston in oil and try to ignore the fact that she's definitely voting for Kamala in a few months. It's hard, I know, but we still have to respect the vets around here.
What else? I've got Gisele Bündchen on a beach to celebrate the return of August, a Full House war between good and evil, and Gia Duddy firing back at Will Levis after Will decided to date Bachelor alum Victoria Fuller.
What a day!
Grab you a drink, chug it, grab you another – chug it again! – and then grab one more just to sip on as we navigate a Hump Day 'Cap!
The wokes are mad at me and Ian for making fun of Kamala Harris' new voice
Hate to do it on the final Hump Day of July, but the news is the news. And right now, the news is Kamala Harris channeling her inner-Brian Kelly at her Atlanta rally last night and completely changing her accent.
I wrote about it this morning with the most in-depth breakdown you'll read on the internet today, so bookmark that bad boy for after this class. In the meantime, here's the clip:
See? Wild. Frankly, everything from that rally last night was wild, but the accent made me laugh. Like, come on. What a ride.
Anyway, turns out, OutKick writer Ian Miller – who for some reason lives in Gavin Newsom's California – and myself both made fun of it for obvious reasons, and it angered the mob.
Sad.
Who ya got in this Full House war?
Blaccent!!!!! What a tweet. What a day for us here at OutKick. The wokes are mad at us and throwing around terms like code-switching, which I can already see will be their new fancy buzzword, and blaccent. What a time to be alive.
I usually don't get pulled into the fray like Ian – thank God – but when I do, it's always a humdinger.
PS: a quick scroll of Kyla's Twitter shows me that she tweets or retweets no less than 500 times a day, which tells me all I need to know. Seriously, it's impressive.
OK, let's go from one internet battle to another! This time, we have Full House co-stars Candace Cameron Bure and Jodie Sweetin doing passive-aggressive battle over the Olympics' opening ceremony:
Steelers fight, Jennifer Aniston oiled down, McDonalds and Gia!
We're always – ALWAYS – Team CCB here. Don't you forget. We prefer our 90s TV heartthrobs to be in Hallmark movies and on the right side of history. DJ Tanner and Steve were the power couple of the 1990s, and don't you dare forget it.
PS: it's amazing how much Stephanie and DJ just HATE each other in real life. Like, they couldn't be on more opposite ends of the spectrum on literally everything. How the hell did they do a billion seasons of Full House together?
PPS: Mount Rushmore of 90s kids(ish) TV shows? Sure!
- Boy Meets World (after middle school)
- Saved by the Bell (remember when Zack and Leah Remini fooled around that one summer?)
- Family Matters (got super weird towards the end)
- Full House (weirdest last two episodes maybe ever)
OK, rapid-fire time on the way out. First up? Speaking of 90s TV stars …
So, I know a ton of people are angry at Jennifer Aniston because she's suddenly in some weird pissing match with JD Vance right now over his cat comments. I don't care about that. I'm desperately – desperately – trying to keep my childhood crushes alive by not paying attention to their politics. It's damn near impossible right now, but I'm doing my best.
I also assume this scene from Jen's Apple TV show is something that would ultimately annoy me, but who knows? Have y'all seen it? I haven't, but I'd be interested to know just how woke it is – if at all.
Next? Let's check in with Steelers camp today!
God, I love training camp fights. They're the best. This also apparently stemmed from someone hitting Justin Fields, which is a big no-no this time of year.
Also … is Justin Fields gonna win the QB battle and send Russell Wilson's ass to the bench? I will be insufferable on this site if that happens. Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeease let it happen. Come on, Justin!
Also, and this is completely unrelated and wasn't even intended to be in today's class, but we haven't had enough actual sports … so here's Jackson Holliday hitting an absolute rocket to the sun in his first game back in the bigs:
What a nuke! Good for Jackson. The kid was a strikeout machine (literally) during his first go-round earlier this year. Trust me, I made a ton of money off him. I know. But this is a good rebound. Orioles are fun as hell, too. What a ballclub.
OK, two more on the way out. First? How about this new McDonald's burger?
It is two patties, three layers of white cheddar melted cheese, a new special, "tangy" sauce, crispy onions, slivered onions, lettuce and pickles on a brioche bun with multi-colored seeds.
Honest question: when was the last time you actually ate from McDonald's? Drive-thru or inside? I haven't – and I'm not exaggerating here – in a solid six years. Maybe more.
I do love going through the drive-thru every once in a while and grabbing a diet coke, because DCs from MCDs are absolutely unbeatable. But other than that? It's been a minute.
This ain't swaying me, either. But fat, drunk, stupid, single college Zach would've been all over this. It would've been a massacre.
Finally, let's check in on NFL WAG Gia Duddy in the wake of ex-boyfriend Will Levis announcing his new relationship with Bachelor alum Victoria Fuller:
Gisele on the beach takes us home
Yeah, I think Gia – a Nightcaps OG – is doing just fine. Taking it all in stride. Just sitting back and watching the world burn.
That's our girl!
OK, take us home, Gisele. Hey! She's taking Tom's latest girlfriend news in stride, too!
OutKick Nightcaps is a daily column set to run Monday through Friday at 4 p.m. (roughly, we’re not robots).
You with Candace or Jodie? Email me at Zach.Dean@OutKick.com.