It's Topgolf, But For Baseball!

Someone has to say it: Topgolf sucks.

OK, let me clarify. Topgolf sucks if you are not good at golf.

You pay an hourly rate to be corralled into a bay with five of your friends or coworkers. Then you overpay for food and drinks. Then you completely humiliate yourself while the kid next door playing "Angry Birds" laughs at your expense.

Truly traumatic.

That person is not me, but I feel for her.

Anyway, saying I am terrible at golf would be a wild understatement. I don't mean that I simply can't hit the ball very far. Or that my accuracy is nonexistent. I mean when I take a swing, I only make contact with the ball maybe four times out of 10.

Now, you might read that and say, "Wow, that's embarrassing."

But when I read that, I say, "Wow, that's an impressive batting average."

And that's why I'm really excited about this new restaurant in Texas.

Home Run Dugout is the 'Topgolf of baseball.'

It's a huge step up from the old school batting cages. And unlike its golf counterpart, you don't actually have to be competent at the sport.

Even though MLB legend Nolan Ryan is an investor in the venue, it's not aimed at professional baseball players. Or even better-than-average wiffle ball players.

In fact, it's the "home of the 7 MPH fastball."

"Our patent-pending pitching machine is a machine. But not the intimidating kind," the Home Run Dugout website boasts. "The kind that soft-tosses pitches that even your grandma could hit."

Now, THAT'S what I'm talking about! Lob me a softball like an MSNBC reporter interviewing Joe Biden, and I'll knock that sucker out of the park.

Like my girl Emma Jean here.

Home Run Dugout's second location opens in Katy, Texas, on March 30. The OG venue is in Round Rock, Texas, where Nolan Ryan also owns a minor league team.

With only two locations, Home Run Dugout has a long way to go before it truly rivals Topgolf (which has more than 80 stores worldwide).

But until then (or until I vacation in Texas), I guess I'll continue to embarrass myself.

And before any of y'all come at me about my lack of coordination, just know I will wipe the floor with you at Skee-Ball.