It’s Time To Address The Scourge Of Rampant Candy Cane Stolen Valor

There’s no candy on the planet as synonymous with Christmas as the candy cane. Sometimes sugar plums get thrown into the mix but I’ve never encountered one in the wild. Come to think of it, I don't even think I could point out a sugar plum if someone hit me between the eyes with one. Therefore candy canes are at the top of the Christmas candy heap.

Sometimes, candies like this get by on tradition alone. Take candy corn for instance. It’s complete garbage, but it makes people think of fall so pillowcases full of it are sold every year.

Candy canes could rest on their laurels thanks to their legendary status, but I feel like they go a step further by delivering as a solid, reliable, old-school candy. If you snag a box of candy canes, you know what you’re getting. They taste good and they’re easy to eat. Yeah, they’re prone to shattering and make everything you touch for the next few hours stickier than the floor of a movie theater, but that’s part of the experience.

I love a good old-fashioned candy cane. Not those small ones that they give out to kids at the bank (fun fact though: you can take them as an adult and they can't say anything). I'm talking about full-sized candy canes. The peppermint kind that you can lick to a point so sharp it could be used to hold up a convenience store.

However, I’ve started to notice that candy canes — real ones — are becoming increasingly rare.

Candy canes get about a month and a half of glory if they’re lucky. Meanwhile, most other candies are looking at 364 days of being favored over the candy cane. But on December 25, it’s all candy canes. As it should be. It’s their Super Bowl.

The words "I wish this delicious traditional candy cane tasted like Sour Patch Kids" have never been uttered by anyone. (Getty Images)

Other Candies Are Trying To Mooch Off The Candy Cane's Success

Candy Canes getting their day in the sun didn’t sit well with the other candies. Why they couldn’t just let classic red and white candy canes have their day, I’ll never know. Instead, They set out to steal Christmas from the candy cane much like the Grinch tried to steal it from the good (and exceedingly creepy) people of Whoville.

How would they go about this? Well, how did the Grinch do it? He dressed up like Santa Claus.

Exactly, the other candies all decided to gussy themselves as candy canes.

Shameless. Completely shameless.

If you go to any store — a department store, a drug store, a grocery store (do I need to list more stores?) — you will see boxes upon boxes of candy canes bearing the brand names of all kinds of candy aisle stalwarts.

Sour Patch Kids. Dum Dums. Mike & Ikes. Starbursts. Even Skittles. I’ve seen all of them try to take on candy cane form.

They all become candy canes, but they’re not candy canes if that makes sense.

…I think it does…

I’m just tired of this candy cane stolen valor. Other candies think they can just start dressing up like a candy cane and no one is going to call them out.

Well, I’m going to call them out.

Candy Canes have spent decades fighting the good fight and earning their own holiday. Now, a bunch of other candies are trying to get a piece of Christmas by cosplaying as them. It’s appalling.

So, this Christmas, what do you say we let candy canes be candy canes?

Merry Christmas and a happy Boxing Day too (whatever the hell that is. I’ve never been given a solid answer).

Follow on X: @Matt_Reigle