It's Time For Your Annual Reminder That Peeps Are Trash

For many people, Easter is a sacred religious holiday. For Peeps, it’s the Super Bowl.

While jellybeans could make a case to sit atop Easter’s candy throne, it’s the Peep that has taken over the holiday.

Which is unfortunate, because they are absolute, unapologetic, sugar-coated garbage.

Pop into any drug store, Target, Walmart, or grocery store and you’ll come across a section of the store devoted to pastel-colored marshmallow rabbits and chicks. Their lifeless eyes; black eyes — like a doll's eyes — stare at you as you stand there trying to figure out who would want to ruin a child’s holiday with a box of Peeps.

Short of defecating in a plastic easter egg or inviting a rusty machete-wielding lunatic to your house to dress up as the Easter Bunny, I can’t think of a faster way to ruin Easter than with a big ol' box of Peeps.

… Alright, so there are probably some other ways to ruin the holiday but I can’t think of any more.

They’re virtually flavorless and have a texture like you dropped a marshmallow in sand.

Scrumptious.

Why are peeps so popular? They’re not as portable and easy to eat as the far-superior jellybean. They’re not as flavorful as the tried and true chocolate egg.

It all comes down to looks.

Peeps are one of the candy world’s worst offenders when it comes to putting form over function. It’s basically to springtime what candy corn is to autumn: both of them suck as candy, but people buy them because they’re also sort of decorations.

That’s all they’re good for.

Don't believe me? Well, then how about we get a second opinion?

I wouldn’t be caught dead eating Peeps, so, fortunately for all of us, OutKick’s Mike “Gunz” Gunzelman was willing to take one for the team and provide a full report.

He’s a team player, that Gunz.

Lifeless eyes; black eyes — like a doll's eyes. (Photo by Fatih Aktas/Anadolu Agency via Getty Images)

Peeps Are Spreading Like Pastel-Colored Disease

While I wish Peeps could be contained to Easter, unfortunately, they're spreading.

The worst thing about Peeps is that they are slowly, but surely, creeping their way into other parts of the food landscape. I’m fine if they stick with Easter — or even holidays for that matter — but Peeps are infecting anything around them like that fungus from The Last Of Us.

Take Peeps Pepsi for instance. I’m not sure what human being over the age of six-and-a-half took a swig of Pepsi, and thought “Damn, this needs some Peeps flavor in here.” But someone did, and it became a real product.

Plus, how did they not think to call this “Peepsi?!”

I may think about that until the day I die. It’s just so obvious. Did they want to make sure that both brands were printed on there in their entirety? It’s truly shocking. I swear, I’ll be thinking about this mystery on my deathbed. The words, “…but why not call it ‘Peepsi’” would be my “Rosebud.”

Maybe I'd say that while dropping a snow globe. This whole scenario might make the people gathered around my deathbed (and I like to think there'd be many) think I had a sled called Peepsi back in my youth. They'd think I was just recalling the last time I was truly happy; long before I got into the newspaper business and ran for president.

In reality, I was only thinking about a completely unnecessary candy-soda mash-up.

Anyway, I digress…

The more disturbing trend has been Peeps trading off the name of good candies.

Mike and Ike were visionaries (if they were real guys) and they must be rolling in their graves knowing their namesake confection has been co-opted by such a terrible excuse for candy.

Sadly, there’s no stopping them. Peeps are here to stay. They’re cute, colorful, and shaped like rabbits.

I wish the general public had more discerning taste in candy beyond the superficial but, alas, they do not.

The rest of us will have to continue feigning excitement when given a box of Peeps.

I hope you and your loved ones have a very happy, safe, Peeps-Free Easter.

Follow on Twitter: @Matt_Reigle