It's Almost Halloween, Which Means It's Officially 'Make Up An Excuse To Avoid Going To Haunted Houses' Season

I’m not sure if you’ve noticed, but it’s October. That means the leaves are changing (if you live somewhere where that happens), the NHL is in full swing with the NBA right around the corner, and those of us who don’t like walkthrough Halloween haunted houses are trying to come up with our yearly excuses for why we’re sitting them out.

Every year, people flock to walkthrough haunted attractions to have the life scared out of them by ghouls, goblins, and a dude wielding a chainsaw sans the chain.

And I don’t get it. Never have.

Halloween Is Great, But I'll Pass On Theater Kids Trying To Scare Me

Don’t get me wrong, I like scary things. Horror movies, heavy metal music, and Halloween in general. I've even been known to pop into the occasional out-of-business Bed, Bath And Beyond converted into a Spirit Halloween store.

But, call me crazy, there’s something about a theater kid getting in my grill while dressed like a bootleg Walking Dead zombie that just doesn’t do it for me.

I suffer from a condition known as chronic jumpiness. One time a piece of seaweed touched my foot at the beach and I jumped out of my skin and let a stream of expletives fly the likes of which the nearby kid building a sandcastle had never heard.

Now, imagine if I was to be frightened by a clown wielding a rusty machete. Yeah, that's why I can't go through those things. It's for the safety of all involved.

Yet no matter how many times I eloquently spell this out for the more gung-ho Halloween-ers among us, this rationale isn’t accepted.

“You’re just scared,” they say. To which I always reply, “No it’s not (entirely) that I’m scared, it’s that the whole charade is ridiculous.”

Yet year after year, I — and so many brave men and women who would just rather not walk through rooms of amateur actors donning rubber masks — have to come up with excuses for not tagging along.

An amateur actor dresses up like a bootleg Walking Dead zombie. (Photo by Ethan Miller/Getty Images)

Making Up Excuses To Not Go To Haunted Houses Gets Harder Every Year

It’s a tradition like no other (except The Masters). I get the invite to a haunted house and my head starts looking for any out that will allow me to save face and keep some of my remaining manliness intact.

“Meh, those things are getting too commercial...”

“Yeah, I just don’t think that place is scary enough. I don’t want to waste my time and hard-earned cash...”

“Can’t go. Flyers are on...”

But this shouldn’t be the case. I can live with fat shaming. I can even get on board with parent shaming. But haunted house aversion-shaming? That needs to stop.

Sorry, I just don’t like being in confined spaces with various ghouls, goblins, and their ilk.

So then what about haunted hayrides? They’re not as confined.

Those are worse.

Keep in mind, that these haunted attractions are always full of amateur actors. So, to this point, would you be excited about sitting on hay bales in some stranger’s trailer while the truck pulling it blasts exhaust in your face to watch a community theater production of Oklahoma!, the musical with the most superfluous use of an exclamation point ever?

No. No, you would not.

So, as we venture through the final weeks of avoiding Halloween haunted house season, I send my best wishes to those looking for a way to skip out on plans.

May your calendars stay empty, and may your excuses be plentiful.

Follow on X: @Matt_Reigle