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Yes, this edition is going to be shorter than a typical Screencaps post because it's back-to-school day
Guys, I won't be dramatic this morning -- I need a secretary who can relay all my assignments from Mrs. Screencaps. I need a buzzer hooked up to my wrist -- time for an iWatch or whatever Apple calls it -- to tase me at least 30 minutes before I need to be somewhere.
I need the secretary to take notes, set the tasing alerts and take more notes as Mrs. Screencaps is reading off today's playbook while I'm trying to work through this column.
Talk about shook.
This is back-to-school week here in this part of Ohio and when I say we've had something to do every single day this week just to get ready for the kids to get back to school, it's not hyperbole.
You know, it was much easier when school started the Tuesday after Labor Day and we were told to get our asses to school. There weren't Meet the Teachers nights. There weren't pre-first day of school walk-thru like Mrs. Screencaps went through the other night. She was at the school going through parenting drills like she was about to sign a free-agent deal to play linebacker for the Lions.
That was Tuesday, I believe.
She actually had two a days just to prepare to send our 10-year-old off to 5th grade. There was an at-school meeting in the morning she had to attend and then the night meeting. Then, Wednesday night, it was meet the 1st-grade teacher and do locker prep with the $60 box of shitty Chinese goods the Walmart drop-ship company sent.
There are signs to make to keep our Facebook fans satisfied. There are 'Did he make it on the bus?' meetings on the front porch. There are 'We have to drop him off and get a first-day photo at school' meetings...to prep for other meetings.
There was even a committee meeting on how we should handle the parking crisis at the elementary school this morning. The building is at full capacity. They've even filled an auxiliary school building. Mrs. Screencaps knows this will be like trying to find parking at the Super Bowl. This is like when Belichick was figuring out which veteran free agent he was going to cut before the regular season during the Super Bowl runs. We're talking crazy amounts of deep thinking.
God bless Mrs. Screencaps and her layers of prep work because I would just tell them the times they need to be on the bus and what time the grocery-getter sled is leaving the garage and they're on their own.
That heavy pour of $9.59 Kirkland margarita is going to taste like a million bucks going down the hatch tonight. Plus, it's tractor-pull weekend. All will be fine in the world. We have just a couple of more hours of this week to survive.
Now it's imperative for us parents to #dontblink because they #growupsofast.
What's up with Lane Kiffin's comments on minority coaches?
• Zach writes:
I was just curious what your thoughts are on recently of overrated idiot Lane Kiffin complaining that there are not enough minorities as head coaches in college football.
Also, why is it that everyone is in agreement that players in any sport need to earn their positions, but some believe coaches should be selected based on what a person looks like?
Kinsey:
Thankfully I was on vacation during this moment of pandering from Lane. Not surprisingly, Kiffin has not resigned so Nix can take the Ole Miss job.
Look, this was a self-serving moment that does nothing but give Lane bragging rights within his social circle. I can hear the insanely wealthy housewives now congratulating Lane for being so brave to stand up for society.
"OMG Lane, that was so nice of you to stand up for Derrick and minorities."
And you damn well better believe this stuff is used on the recruiting trail. Remember, what you see from social media and out of football coaches isn't real. Bill Belichick didn't actually work every single day of his life when coaching Tom Brady. Trust me, I used to track his every move. Bill took plenty of days off.
It's an act, fellas.
Tipping at the country club where waitresses have to ask for tips on top of service charges
• Jim M. in W. Lafayette, IN writes:
I say this as a former generous tipper, and not too discriminating about it, and usually based upon the total amount not the pre-tax amount - I've pretty much had it. When the restaurant industry got crushed during Covid, like many others, I felt pretty bad for those folks and dropped money in impromptu tip jars and tipped with the idea of how rough it was.
But at this point? I meticulously avoid tipping for carryout, place nothing in tip jars, and unless I'm with a large group where there has always been the minimum service charge, which I would add to by the way, a required service charge is all they are going to get. It's just getting way over the top.
For Big Poke I'd be in the general manager's office of that club saying how dare you put the servers in the middle of this. Raise your food prices, or increase the annual dues, but quit playing the 18% game.
For wait staff, I guess I am trying to not be all Clint Eastwood "get off may lawn!", but covid is over. Inflation hits all of us. I am happy to tip for service provided, but the begging is turning me into a much more stringent tipper, than my former generous style.
There's more to explore than the Wiffleball tourney and the tractor pull
• Clayton W. has you covered with travel ideas in central Ohio:
While many of the TNML members are out trying to find Wren, Ohio on the far west side of our fine state I suggest checking out the far East side in Dover, Ohio. This is the home of the Warther Museum. A truly unique experience. Mister Warther was a master carver and a mechanical genuis and seeing his work in person will amaze you. Took my dad, a mechanical engineer, there years ago and it blew his mind. A lot to see. They also produce fine kitchen knives for sale. Check ou the website. The Smithsonian wanted this collection but Warther family kept it in Dover. Not a bad drive thru Amish country either if you take the old roads. https://thewarthermuseum.com/
Staying in the center of the state check out the Motts Military Museum in Groveport, Ohio. A stunning collection of GI stuff from the Revolution, Civil War and all the way thru the 9/11 events and the space program. It will floor you! Speaking of floor, Motts has a fire truck flattened by the tower coming down on it 9/11 and also has the limestone walls from the tower lobby. Holy cow!
Lots of airplanes, tanks, copters and even rebuild of Eddie Rickenbacker's home, Paul Tibbets (Enola Gay pilot) display, and memorial to the Tuskegee Airmen. What one man, Warren Motts, created to preserve history will be a stunner to all who visit. https://mottsmilitarymuseuminc.com/
Ohio, as you have pointed out often, has so much to offer. These are some prime examples worth making a trip too.
Shopping carts
• Steve B. in Grand Junction, CO writes:
If I'm not late to the shopping cart debate, I'd like to say that my theory on returning shopping carts is like that old joke, "Why does a dog lick himself? Because he can."
I'm naturally lazy, but I always return my cart. It doesn't matter if it's one of Western Colorado's snowy 0 degree days or a blazing 105-degree afternoon. I return the cart. Always. Because somewhere out there is a wheel-chair bound guy my age who cannot walk who would LOVE to do something as simple as walk a cart back to the corral.
Kinsey:
I was at Costco last night and scored the closest possible spot along the side of the building and it was key because a storm was rolling in. When I came out, a guy was trying to navigate his Escalade into the spot next to me, but there was an issue -- someone had run their cart up on the curb at the front of the spot, which blocked Escalade Guy.
His wife got out and took the cart. When Escalade Guy got out, I made sure to say how shitty it was of the person to leave the cart when they literally could have moved it approximately 25 yards into the building.
"Happens all the time," disgusted Escalade Guy said as he went into the store to drop half-a-thousand (full assumption).
Society has to do better.
• Keith W. writes:
I had to jump in on the cart discussion. I worked as a "cart attendant" at Target for several years in high school and college back in the late 1990s.
The obvious answer is people need to put their carts back in the cart return bay no matter what. But it's not just because you're being a decent person for the workers, it's actually a selfish thing to do because any other location could ultimately scratch or ding your car.
Many people think it's a good idea to put the front wheels over the curb to keep the cart from moving. But that's the most annoying place for a cart attendant to collect the carts, and actually a bad idea because getting it out of the curb/planter can be difficult and is the most likely to ding a car.
To Dana B.: Where on the hierarchy would *leaves cart next to vehicle with a used dirty rolled up diaper inside* rank and tell about that person? That was the bane of my existence.
And never park next to the cart return bay. Ever. Even if it's the closest open parking space to the store and there is a tree above for shade. Aside from people putting away the carts terribly, the cart attendants dink around there pulling out carts or bringing carts from other areas of the parking lot and always push them between the bay and the adjacent car. I'm not happy to say I bumped many cars back in the day trying to squeeze carts through in the vicinity of the bay.
And let me say this... cart attendants these days are highly inefficient. You see them pushing three or 4 carts into the store, then going out for more. We used to collect dozens in a huge line and have one person push the back while the front person steered the front (this is before the motorized cart pusher, which is another story). If you're alone, you need to get them all in big lines within each aisle and then bring in 7-10 in at a time. Fill the store, then go chat up the co-eds cashiers inside for a couple hours before doing it again. As long as the carts were full inside, the supervisors didn't keep any tabs on the cart attendants. It was the lowest job on the totem pole at the store, but the most free and fun.
Sorry for the long email - carts are in my blood.
• Matt in Nashville writes:
Wanted to weigh in on the shopping cart conversation as it touches a nerve with me (and apparently many in SC Nation).
First, I believe not returning your cart to an appropriate area (bay or store, whichever is closest) should be a finable offense akin to a small parking ticket. Since that is essentially impossible, the next best solution is making anyone who doesn't do it either feel like or look like a lazy jerk. When I see someone just leave their cart and they are about to get in their car, I simply walk over and take the cart and say something along the lines of "oh don't worry, I'll take care of it for you" in complete deadpan. The look of shame on most people's faces is usually worth it, but I also think it legitimately stays with them for next time.
Also, I love Dana B's grading scale, but I have a question for her: I generally don't take my cart back into the store, but I have two habits in addition to my strategy above. First, if I'm walking TO the store and see someone with an empty cart, I offer to take it to use as my own (or just return it to the store if my trip doesn't require one). Second, when I'm done with my cart I usually have at least one kid in the car so I choose the closest available bay, but when I return it, I make sure every cart there is properly pushed in and straight as can be. Dana B, what is my grade?
Anywho, don't be the guy who doesn't return your cart. It's like being the guy who intentionally doesn't hold the elevator door for someone jogging towards it.
That's it. I have to run. I have to make the Facebook sign for the 1st grader. It's a big day around here.
Take care. Go have an incredible weekend. Say hello at the tractor pull.
Email: joekinsey@gmail.com