Hot Air Balloons Are Quietly The Most Insane Form Of Transportation | Matt Reigle

I had to run an errand this morning. One that required getting up way earlier than I’d prefer. As I begrudgingly trudged to the car I looked up in the sky only to see a hot air balloon silently floating above the horizon.

A simple mode of transportation using heat to solve a riddle that eluded man for centuries: flight.

The balloon brought one thought to my mind: “There’s no f—-king way you could get me in one of those things.”

Not a chance. Not for a lot of money.

I’m amazed that anyone pays to go on a hot air balloon ride. They should have to pay people to do that.

My first problem with them is the basket: how — in the year 2023 — are those things still made out of wicker?

I mean, balloon plots do realize that they’re strapping a legitimate flame thrower to a basket made of a super-flammable material, right?

I get that material pickings were slim in the 1860s when balloons were used for Civil War reconnaissance, but why now. Shouldn’t they be made out of carbon fiber or titanium?

Maybe any material that has more than two purposes that aren’t outdoor furniture and lighting on fire.

Hot Air Balloons Require Some Uncomfortable Small Talk

The baskets are also too small. If you think elevator chit-chat is brutal, have fun on a balloon. They’re roughly the same size as an elevator but you’re in them for way longer.

What are yous supposed to talk about up there for hours? I can only think of two things: the view and balloons in general.

“Great view from up here.”

“Yup, sure is…”

“So… how long have you been flying balloons?”

“Piloting balloons.”

“Sorry; piloting balloons…”

Plus, a lot of the time couples take hot air balloon rides as a romantic activity. However, there has to be a pilot with you. So, this romantic experience involves some balloon guy with one hand on his phone and the other on the torch just a few feet away.

That’s not awkward at all.

After 150 years, hot air balloons haven't advanced much more than this. (Photo by Hulton Archive/Getty Images)

You Can't Really Steer Or Land A Hot Air Balloon

I don’t like that you can’t steer a hot air balloon. Armchair psychologists might see this as me having a bit of control freakism. But I don’t think that’s it. It just bugs me that if you show up for a hot air balloon ride and ask the pilot where you’ll be flying he can’t give you a perfect answer. It’s all contingent on the wind.

You can't take a balloon from A to B unless the wind is blowing right. That’s why some friend of the pilot has to drive behind the balloon in his pickup truck.

The truck dude is to pick you up when the balloon “lands.” They don’t land though, They crash, just sometimes they crash a bit less hard.

Then, once the balloon crash lands in any field you can find that is reasonably clear of powerlines, you've got to fold the balloon and cram it into the horse trailer towed by the chase vehicle. That's a chore too, and unfortunately, that's part of riding a balloon too.

Of course, this job is easier to do with more people. So, anyone within sight of the downed balloon gets recruited into the makeshift ground team.

I Was Once Recruited To Fold A Hot Air Balloon

This happened to me when I was a kid. My dad, my brother, and I once pulled over to watch a balloon crash land in a field behind a church. Unfortunately, the balloon operator saw us watching and invited us to help fold the balloon.

What were we supposed to say? I wish we could have said, "Meh, we're good, Fold your own damn balloon," but that would've been rude.

So all of a sudden I went from being a spectator to having an armful of nylon while an amateur ballooner (balloonist) tried to cram his balloon in a trailer.

Fun, right? Of course not.

Maybe that moment soured me on balloons. Perhaps an underlying fear of heights, open flames, and small talk is the culprit. But whatever it is. Don't expect to see me lazily driving above the countryside in a balloon basket anytime soon.

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