Hooters Kaitlyn Models Chicken Wing Bikini, Peyton Manning Turns Up In Cooperstown & High School Installs Black Turf Football Field
We officially have an Amish insider who explains how the Amish keep up with football and how they know about the Georgia Bulldogs
I can't remember when and who made the comment about the Amish and Georgia football, but it turns out it set off alarm bells within Lancaster County region where I learned this week that the Amish are becoming big football fans.
• Abner writes:
Hi Joe, I hope you're doing well. In response to the post about the Bulldogs fan, depending on the area, I think you would be very surprised how much the Amish know about sports. The Amish around here are major sports fans and especially know about Georgia because the Iggles drafted so many of them the last 2 years.
Now I want to introduce the company I work for, look us up @ lancastercountybackyard.net.
Every backyard/pool area/ patio needs a pavilion to go with it and we ship these all over the US of A. Thank you for the great column and keep it up!
Kinsey:
Abner further explained that the Amish grab the newspaper or they take even more drastic measures to keep up with sports. "Most single guys have a smartphone, plus office guys like me operate a computer," he explained.
Trust me, as someone who spent four years living in Wilkes-Barre, PA while I was in the newspaper industry and spent many days down in Lancaster County, this news sent shockwaves through my memory bank.
Wait, what happened to the Amish who had to use barn phones in small phone booth-like structures to conduct business?
"Well the smartphone thing is fairly new (last 10 years or so) but that started since the majority of our businesses are in the housing industry rather than farming. They're technically not allowed except for business but once you have one at work it's nearly impossible keep it to work only," Abner explains.
My mind is absolutely blown over this news.
You're damn right I'm checking in with Abner during the football season to get updates on what the Amish are thinking about the NFL and college football. This is a whole new frontier for me and I intend to fully embrace it.
Summer adventure in the Keys
• J.B. writes:
Joe, work and life has prevented me from getting to you sooner. I thought this trip may interest you as I don’t recall seeing anyone discuss something like this in SC yet.
Summary - sailing on a 41ft from New Orleans to Marathon FL. 3-4 days. Get there Monday and then enjoys the keys until Saturday when we sail back. Recreational spiny lobster season is 2 days Wednesday and Thursday so will be scuba diving and snorkeling for them. Limit is six per day
Fortunate to have a great friend who invited me on the maiden long voyage of his sailboat. Will take some notes and send you a recap or two of what it’s like underway for 3-4 days with 4 of us and cell free for most of the journey. We expect to fish and play cards along the way. You must note that there are no passengers on this voyage. There is my buddy, the captain, and three crew members.
Kinsey:
Safe travels, J.B. Hopefully we hear from you soon to know you didn't turn out like that guy who was drifting around the Pacific Ocean for three months with his dog.
We'll also expect a full report on water conditions in Marathon. I've read all sorts of stuff from the Twitter weather guys about how the water is 95 degrees and all hell is breaking loose.
Travel ball exposé
• LSU fan Joe M. writes:
Your continuing expose on travel baseball/softball has made me count my lucky stars that my son gravitated towards lacrosse (dance doesn’t tend to travel, so I will leave it out.) They’re usually 3-4 hour days, so if you can drain a couple of White Claws after 10 AM, you’re fortunate. In Texas, it’s mostly about drinking enough water to not die.
Dads are the worst during the games, but moms are generally awful at the hotel lounge and anywhere off the field. Calling a restaurant 30m ahead to try to get a table for 24? That’s current parents. You registered for the tourney weeks ago, but now is when you’re going to slam the restaurant with no warning? That’s just inconsiderate. Not exclusive to LAX, but there are Reddit threads every week on how poorly parents and their offspring behave at hotels. Some teams are worse than others, but always remember that the staff are not there to monitor your kids, or clean up after you.
Here is a snippet of one thread from a hotel worker (they largely seem to focus on BB/Softball/Hockey):
Night 1: the parents go through the cabinets in our atrium space. We have alcohol in some of them (for really nice events/to give as an apology), but keep zip ties around the handles to keep people out. The parents cut the zip ties, drink more than half of our wine (like at least 10 bottles), and put some of the opened wine bottles back in the cabinets.
Who are you people? There’s never been a better time to get alcohol or food delivered, including before you check into a hotel, and yet you are often animals. Everyone gets that it’s mostly a vacation, at least for LAX parents, since we don’t have 14-hour days at the park, but have some level of decorum. Moms, you know you’re getting lit at every tournament. Just order the vodka, White Claws or whatever ahead of time. And CONTROL YOUR KIDS, parents.
Kids don’t self-police, the kids stir each other up to screw around on the treadmill, throw someone in the whirlpool, steal from the lobby market, rearrange furniture, etc. Let them have fun, but control them.
This old man stops yelling at clouds. For now. I’m just back from Barcelona from an Iron Maiden concert and haven’t slept in … 25 hours. Fun times.
Kinsey:
Listen, I'm sure there are Travel Ball Hardos who are PISSED at me over the last 2-3 months of hammering the travel ball beat, but after years of being told how great this world is, it's time to push back a little bit. I've seen one too many laundry detergent fundraisers and BUY MY SQUARES posts.
Now it's time to turn the tables on this disgusting industry that has ripped apart communities so Travel Ball Moms can get ripped on vodka and scream "YAAASSSSSSSSS CODY" when her "Bubba" gets a base knock.
#Notsponsored by Little League Baseball.
• Brandon in Pinckney, MI writes:
My wife sent this to me. Not sure where she found it, but with your post on Thursday, seems appropriate to share.
Btw-- 95% accurate. I'd put the "dad's who used to coach" down the right field like, not behind the OF fence. Leaning on the fences, spitting seeds, good view just like you were still in the 1B coaching box.
Kinsey:
I've seen that graphic floating around for a few years. Typically, it's posted by some "YAAAASSSSSS CODY" travel ball mom on Facebook with the caption, "LOLOLOLOLOL....hahahaha...so true!"
Make it stop!!!!!!!
• Tyler shows us how the bread is buttered within the competitive cheerleading industry where moms are fundraising like 10 months out of the year:
Enjoy. Laundry detergent. Dish Soap. Squares. Raffles. It never ends. I'll be lucky to put my kids through college. Meanwhile, I'm financing my friends' kids' travel baseball/softball/cheer/dance.
Make all of it stop. Quit being freeloaders, you losers.
I'm just sayin'
Hey listen, if you want to go hike in 121-degree heat, it's a free country and you're more than welcome to hit the trails. Just know how these things tend to end.
Jason Aldean and a playlist request
• Michael B. writes:
Not sure if this has been done already. With all of the backlash Jason Aldean’s “Try that in a small town” has been receiving, has anyone built a playlist of these right-leaning songs that have came out in the last couple of years? Could be a great listen on the boat!
Things left on top of cars
• Indy Daryl had himself a moment:
Got out of my car before my bike ride this morning and what should I find….. but a Yeti coffee cup! Placed it there sometime yesterday, but it survived the neighborhood, a major thoroughfare, and the freaking interstate! Glad I didn’t lose it
Sorry to hear about the end of the little league season, but loved your recaps! Glad you enjoyed coaching and it sounds like you had a blast and most importantly made it fun for the kids. Have a great evening!
Kinsey:
You might remember I drove well over a mile with my wallet on top of Mrs. Screencaps' grocery getter a few weeks back and found it on the side of the road like an hour later. Spotting it along a four-lane state route remains one of my biggest achievements of the last decade.
Raccoons on airplanes
• John in Houston would like the floor:
I'm writing to you today about the Instagram embed of the lady with the raccoon on the airplane.
As someone who keeps chickens, RACCOONS ARE NOT OKAY. RACCOONS ARE VICIOUS EVIL BASTARDS. The "cute little raccoon" narrative is one of the most successful misinformation campaigns of all time.
People who think raccoons are sweet little dogs with striped tails are naive and have never seen one of their favorite chickens ripped into multiple pieces by a raccoon who managed to dig a small hole under the coop wall. They are NOT cute little furry doggies, they are horribly vicious and violent predators with sharp teeth and claws. They rip the head off of chickens and often will claw through their backs to get to the lungs and other organs. It's not fun to find mangled dead birds in the morning that likely died a very painful death.
We catch them all the time and immediately dispatch them with a shot to the head. I've killed at least a dozen this summer and I wish I could kill a hundred more. I have no remorse at all.
I posted a video once on Facebook of a raccoon I caught right before I shot it. A lady responded that she would never buy eggs from me again because I was so cruel. I told her to go to hell, I didn't need her money.
Death to all raccoons. Get a dog, you dumb bitch.
Kinsey:
You can't accuse John in Houston of holding back with that email.
Olive Garden and dirtbags
• Rory M. has thoughts:
In the last decade, I've only been 1-2 times during lunch hours. It might be the only place that rivals airports for the sheer amount of trash people. I'm convinced the federal government gives out vouchers for plane tickets and Olive Garden.
Another week is in the books. We made it. The lawn is manicured. It rained perfectly last night just after the mow, which means I'm good on water for 48 hours and the sun is out ALL WEEKEND.
This is my last full weekend to enjoy patio SZN for a few weeks. It's time to soak it up.
Have a great one. Take care.
Email: joekinsey@gmail.com