Heinz Chooses VIolence, Mixes 14 Sauces Together To Create Frankenstein 'Every Sauce'

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I like to stay abreast of what is happening in the world of condiments and condiment innovation. I find it a fascinating pursuit because, for the most part, our basic condiments have been perfected. 

Ketchup cannot be improved. Yellow mustard cannot be improved. They just are what they are, and they're great.

However, some condimentologists (?) are tempting fate by pushing the limits, and the latest instance of this comes from the folks who set the gold standard in ketchup, Heinz (seriously, I will not buy any other brand. They do a solid yellow mustard too, but if I'm more of a French's man on that front).

Heinz is rolling out something called Everything Sauce. As the name suggests, it's "a delicious combination of not one, not two, but fourteen tasty sauces... for the truly obsauced," per a specially-made Everything Sauce website.

I'm not going to lie… I'd give it a test drive.

I have no clue what this could possibly taste like because it combines 14 different sauces with very unique flavors of their own. It's the condiment world's version of Frankenstein's Monster. 

The sauces included in this unholy blend are, per WHAM:

  • Burger Sauce
  • Garlic Sauce
  • Aioli Sauce
  • Smokey Baconnaise
  • Sweet Chili
  • Chip Sauce
  • Saucy Sauce (I have no clue what that is either)
  • Mayoracha
  • Mayomust
  • Truffle Mayo
  • Garlic & Caramelized Onion Mayo
  • Curry Ketchup
  • Pickle Ketchup
  • Smokey Bacon Ketchup

Call me crazy, but pickles, curry, and truffles are an odd mix.

Unfortunately (or fortunately depending on how you see it), only 100 bottles of Everything Sauce will be produced and they'll be distributed via a lottery open only to UK residents.

If you have a sauce like that, I have no idea what you're supposed to do with it. Do you use it? Put it on a shelf in your office? Bust it out to impress company?

"Hey, honey; do me a favor and grab the bottle of Everything Sauce off the mantle. I just wanted to show it to Ron and Janeane… yeah, please bring the white Everything Sauce-handling gloves as well. Thanks, dear!… Wait, until you guys see this…"

Maybe someone from across the pond can land themselves a bottle of this nonsense and let us know how it tastes.

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Matt is a University of Central Florida graduate and a long-suffering Philadelphia Flyers fan living in Orlando, Florida. He can usually be heard playing guitar, shoe-horning obscure quotes from The Simpsons into conversations, or giving dissertations to captive audiences on why Iron Maiden is the greatest band of all time.