Heidi Klum's Family Lingerie Christmas Triggers The Libs, CNN Meltdown & America's Lame Top Sex Positions
Hump Day! First one of the final month of the year. Let's make it count. It's 30 degrees in Florida this morning, the old folks around the neighborhood are covering their plants like we're about to be in another Ice Age, and I've worn a beanie for three straight days.
What is going ON? Got a Christmas tree last night, too, and folks were huddled around the fire-pit like their lives depended on it.
We ain't built for this. The First Lady throws a tantrum every time she has to walk outside.
"I'm never complaining about the heat again," she said last night after we got back in the truck with an 8-foot Fraser firmly sticking out the bed (hey now!).
Yeah, OK. I've heard that one before, too. Sure, babe.
On that note, welcome to a Hump Day Nightcaps – the one where we fight the winter freeze in our Christmas lingerie with Heidi and Leni Klum.
I'll give Heidi this – she ain't backing down. The losers on the internet keep coming after her for posing with her daughter, and she just … keeps doing it.
Good for us. Bad for the haters!
What else? I've got Miami and Ole Miss fans up in arms over the CFP committee putting Alabama at 12 (Roll Tide!), a list of the most popular sex kinks for 2024 (proud of you guys, except the Gen-Zers), CNN Libs getting called out for just lying about Donald J. Trump (shocker), and I'm all in on Carson Beck's Snapchat game.
Shooters shoot, folks – especially when you're an SEC QB. Sorry. Just telling you how it is.
OK, let's get this show on the road. I've got plants to cover.
Pencils up. It's a Hump Day 'Cap!
Miami and Ole Miss need to sit this one out
We'll start with the angry college football ADs and coaches who are currently waiting outside the CFP Committee HQ with pitchforks.
Enough. Just stop it. I'm so tired of bitching and moaning like this:
Look, I love the SEC. I'm biased, mainly because everyone HATES the SEC. We zig, they zag. You know this by now.
To be honest with you, I think the actual SEC team at 12 should be South Carolina, which passes the eye test right now. That's a team nobody wants to play.
I'm also not saying Ole Miss and Miami don't have legit gripes, because they do. BUT, Ole Miss and Miami both crumbled down the stretch to inferior opponents, in games in which they were heavy favorites, and in games in which they controlled their own destiny.
Win even one of those games – Ole Miss against Florida or Kentucky; Miami against Ga. Tech or Syracuse – and you're both probably in right now. Miami certainly is.
But the Canes blew a 21-0 lead and their coach is a moron, while Ole Miss shit on themselves against Florida – multiple times.
Sorry. You had your chances (plural!), and you pooped yourselves. If you don't want to give the committee a chance to backdoor Alabama into the dance, then win the games you're supposed to win.
At least FSU had a legit gripe last year, because it did win the game it was supposed to win. That, I understood. This one? Nah. Sorry. Ain't passing the smell test for me.
Speaking of the SEC …
Whew. What a rant! And I LOVE Lane Kiffin. I LOVE Ole Miss. I wanted so badly to see Ole Miss in the playoffs, because I think that team is probably the most fun team in college football.
Instead, we're gonna get a pretty mediocre 'Bama team and a really mediocre Georgia team.
Speaking of the ‘Dawgs, let’s check in on QB1 Carson Beck as he gears up for a big SEC title game against Texas!
Merry Christmas, from the Klums & top kinks
What's worse? Not liking football, or the Snapchats? Specifically, the Snapchat texts? I mean, Carson – buddy – what is THIS:
How about I show you this package and we see how fast your calendar opens up?
Good God. What a line! I'm gonna use that one on the First Lady when I get shot down later tonight. I'll let y'all know how it goes!
Speaking of my wife – and packages! – check out THIS little gem that came in the mail today that she apparently just ordered on a whim last week:
The First Lady is convinced we're on the brink of Civil War, so every few months I'll open a package and it'll be some obscure survival tool. One time, it was an inflatable boat. I can't tell you how many walkie-talkies and radios we have in the garage right now.
[UPDATE: The First Lady just barged in and corrected me by saying she just thinks the grid might go down one day, NOT that we're on the brink of Civil War. I guess that makes more sense.]
Anyway, long story short – if you need to make a quick getaway on a boat, or need your house de-bugged, I'm your man!
OK, rapid-fire time on this Hump Day evening. First up? Let's just get it all out in the open:
A survey of 4,000 people using the dating app Bumble showed that people lusting over feet, role play and latex are out of vogue.
The survey showed that this year, continuing after orgasm was the number one kink, followed by doing it open-air on a balcony.
The third antic that respondents said turned them on was having sex while playing video games, while waking each other up with oral sex slid in at fourth place.
As a warm-up to the main event, many people said they enjoyed working out together while naked, making this the fifth most popular fetish for 2024.
Honestly, that's not even the weirdest part of this survey. Not by a long-shot. Sure, balcony sex and video game sex is … odd … but you know what really stuck out to me?
Apparently, Gen-Zers' favorite position is … missionary. Huh? Also, the top sex position from this calendar year was … kneeling?
What the hell is kneeling?
Overall, couples' favorite sex positions were revealed to be kneeling (74 percent), face-to-face (72 percent), right angle (70 percent), cowgirl (59 percent), and oral sex (56 percent).
At the other end of the scale, the most unpopular sex positions were exposed as doggy style (53 percent), sixty-nine (52 percent), and anal (50 percent).
Yep, that's all complete BS. Talk to me in 20 years, Gen-Zers. My granddad always said, ‘You’re a Liberal until you get married with kids.'
Same applies here.
Next? I can promise you Heidi Klum ain't vouching for missionary. No. Shot.
Take us home, CNN!
Shockingly, Heidi shut the comments OFF on this latest lingerie post with her daughter, Leni. The WOKES on the internet are coming after her for this, and she's decided to skip town. Sad.
Oh well. We stand with Heidi here at Nightcaps! Sure, it reeks of nepotism and throwing on some Santa lingerie with your kid is a little out there, but Heidi ain't exactly the sharpest tool in the shed. Nobody's ever accused Heidi Klum of being … normal.
But if she wants to help her kid get started in the industry, who am I to judge?
Anyway, go get you some Intimissimi lingerie for the wife, fellas! Unless you're a Gen-Zer who just does missionary. In that case, this probably isn't the gift for you guys.
OK, that's it for today. Long class, but informative. And that's all you can ask for out of a Hump Day lesson.
Usually I leave you with a hot girl, but since we just had Heidi speak to the class, I'm going to instead leave you with a two-minute clip of a bunch of CNN dummies getting schooled by HOFer Scott Jennings.
God bless, Scott. He's doing the Lord's work over there.
See you tomorrow.
OutKick Nightcaps is a daily column set to run Monday through Friday at 4 p.m. (roughly, we’re not robots).
You ready for Civil War? Email me at Zach.Dean@OutKick.com.