Halloween PSA: Real Adults Don't Consume Fruit-Flavored Chewable Candy, Stick To Chocolate

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Parents planning to reach into their child's Halloween candy bag: opt for anything chocolate and skip the fruit-flavored nonsense.

This caused a raging debate on the daily OutKick staff meeting as several people did not like my Halloween PSA. I'm no stranger to upsetting my colleagues with factually-accurate takes that they don't like, but this one hit hard.

Candy is for children. Chocolate is for everyone.

Chocolate has a flavor. Fruit-flavored candy is just that: fruit-flavored. Likely flavored by some chemical process and then colored with (probably harmful) dye. It's understandable that eight year olds like this stuff. They don't know any better.

For all the adults digging through their kids' Halloween candy haul, ignore the fake fruit-flavored trash and eat the chocolate stuff.

For all the adults digging through their kids' Halloween candy haul, ignore the fake fruit-flavored trash and eat the chocolate stuff. (Photo by Noam Galai/Getty Images)

It's the same reason that the majority of eight year olds prefer Mountain Dew to coffee.

Life is about progression. Like the progression for most young adults from Democrats to Republicans. It's fun to be a Democrat when you don't want to work but still want money. It's not so fun when you see how much of your hard-earned money the government takes to give to people who don't want to work.

There's the progression from cotton candy vodka to IPAs. From cotton candy at the stadium to peanuts and beer.

Most people grow out of what Adam Carolla dubbed "the yummy phase." Why the kids menu includes hot dogs, hamburgers and chicken tenders but the adult menu has steak and salmon.

Halloween is no different. Pass right by the Starburst, Skittles, Sour Patch Kids, and Twizzlers and grab a real treat like Snickers, Reese's, Twix or the perpetually underrated Almond Joy.

It's called growing up, and everyone needs to do it.

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Dan began his sports media career at ESPN, where he survived for nearly a decade. Once the Stockholm Syndrome cleared, he made his way to OutKick. He is secure enough in his masculinity to admit he is a cat-enthusiast with three cats, one of which is named "Brady" because his wife wishes she were married to Tom instead of him.