The Gripe Report: Why Crème Brûlée Stinks, Four-Way Stops, College Sports 'Brands'

It’s Friday, which means it’s time for another brand-new edition of everyone’s favorite place to complain, The Gripe Report!

I’m going to start this edition by giving out some homework: I want to hear all of your wedding gripes, no matter how big or how small. I don’t care as long as it has to do with planning a wedding or attending a wedding.

So, if there’s a man and a woman (or two ladies or two dudes; not that there’s anything wrong with that) some rings, and what more often than not prove to be empty promises made in front of friends and family, it’s fair game.

My fiancée and I are planning a wedding. More accurately, she’s been doing most of it, and I help and provide input when asked, which is probably for the best. Otherwise, we’d have a Larry Fine impersonator officiating the ceremony and a chimpanzee wearing a Flyers jersey and cargo shorts serving as the ring-bearer.

I want to hear what you hate about this process or about other people’s weddings, so send in those gripes.

Have a gripe? Send it in!: mattreigleoutkick@gmail.com

But first, I’ve got a little griping to do...

When I go out to eat, I’m not much of a dessert guy. But having said that, I do usually take a gander on the off chance that I feel like hating myself more than usual later in the day.

Of course, you see all kinds of cakes and pies and mousses and whatever, but one thing I see a lot — and feel like I’m seeing even more — has been driving me nuts.

I am of course talking about crème brûlée.

I don’t want to sound like I’m being bitter or overreacting, but I can't f--king stand crème brûlée.

It’s not like I had some traumatic experience with crème brûlée where my dad choked to death on it or I was injured by shards of flying shrapnel after someone dropped a bowl of it, I just think it’s ridiculous and that it seems to be on menus because so many people are stupid enough to order it.

First, let’s address what crème brûlée is. Its name means "burnt cream" and it’s essentially custard or pudding that someone unloaded a blow torch on so that the top is hard.

Now which part of this equation is the appetizing part? The hard glass-like top, or the burnt taste?

I don’t think anyone likes it, I just think they like ordering it because it has a French name and is therefore considered "classy." If we called it what it is — crispy custard — you’d never move a single weird, ceramic cup of it.

Crème brûlée seems to be cracking more dessert menu starting lineups than it used to, and someone needs to call it out for the mediocre burnt cup of pudding it is. (Getty Images)

And I know what you’re thinking, "Hey Matt, how about you just don’t order it, you handsome son of a bitch."

But here’s the real problem. There are only so many spots on the dessert menu roster. These should be reserved for — no pun intended — the crème de la crème of the dessert world.

Crème brûlée is to dessert menus what Bronny James is to the Los Angeles Lakers, and at least they eventually did the right thing and sent him to the G League a couple of times.

But there’s no South Bay Lakers when it comes to desserts.…

Worse yet, I've seen crème brûlée infringing on other deserts. I saw a croissant the other day that was crème brûlée flavored.

Why would I want to let crème brûlée ruin the taste of the thing I actually like?!

Also — and I understand that by this point it may sound like nitpicking — there's too much phonetic nonsense going on with the word "crème brûlée." I love an occasional umlaut as much as the next guy, but there are just accents and that weird little arrow thing all over the place. It's just a mess.

Do yourself a favor and just order pie or a slice of cake. Dessert is one of those things where the more you mess with something the worse it gets.

For instance, the best dessert — and I think science backs this up ‚ is apple pie a la mode (yes I know there's some French-ness in there, but that's not why it's the best). You've got a simple combination of flavors and a diversity of not just textures, but also temperatures.

It's perfection, and crème brûlée wishes it was as good as apple pie a la mode.

Anyway, enough of my (accurate and necessary) whining, let's get to some of yours.

For as simple as it is, a staggering number of people don't seem to understand how four-way stops work. (Getty Images)

Four-Way Stops

We've got a gripe from Ian about what I thought most people had a good grasp on, but am starting to realize they don't, and that is four-way stop signs:

I don't know if you've covered this yet, but damn, the idiots at a 4-way stop are killing me. Simple concept right? Whoever gets to their stop line first and STOPS, gets to go first. If two cars arrive at the same time, the one to the right goes. There are a few subtleties for cars that arrive at the same time, like straight over turning, right over left turns, and if all four arrive at the same time, but those are rare.

This must be the result of the Common Core invasion of our schools because NO ONE CAN COUNT TO 4 ANY MORE! Or people are all wearing those stupid designer sunglasses with crappy lenses and outsized frames and can't see if the other car's wheels have stopped turning before theirs.

But what really chaps my ass is when 3 of us are sitting there because we know the 4th car has the right-of-way and she doesn't go because she can't drive or is looking down at her phone, so we sit for a few seconds and then someone has to break the logjam, and then 2 go and it's chaos! Horns honking and fingers flying.

People, get your shit together. And if you have kids, by all that is good and holy, teach them these small lessons.

If that is, you're not one of them yourself. Then we're doomed.

…

It's so funny Ian sent this in because recently I feel like I've been noticing more and more instances of people not knowing how to handle a four-way stop.

On the chance that you don't, it really is as simple as whoever stops first has the right of way.

This is easy, and I still see it messed up constantly.

I can stand the people who don't pay attention, but I also can't stand the people who will be the first to stop, and then start trying to be polite and wanting others to go first.

Just follow the rules of the road, and we'll all get to where we need to be as quickly and as safely as possible. The unnecessary politeness does nothing but confuse everyone else and cause one of those Mexican standoffs where no one knows whether or not they should be going because the order is all messed up.

If you're first to the sign, just go. I know sometimes it can be a little confusing if two people stop at the same time, but I usually drag the brake a little bit so that I stop well after the other person.

Forget "schools," "teams," or "programs" college sports is all about the "brand" now. (Getty Images)

College Football Brands

A couple of weeks back we had a gripe courtesy of my future mother-in-law, so let’s check out one from my future father-in-law (and neither gripe is about me! Look at that; 2-for-2!): 

The current trend of referring to college athletic programs as "brands." Like toothpaste. 

…

Short and sweet and I couldn’t agree more.

For some reason, people have started using words that sound way too "Inside Baseball" for normal talk. 

Like, I hate when I hear someone say that Star Wars is their favorite "IP," short for "intellectual property," if you were unaware. 

I’m sorry, are you a copyright lawyer now? It’s a film series with three good flicks, three okay ones, three crappy ones, and a bunch of other ones that are middling to forgettable.

That’s what college football "brands" are to me. It’s unnecessary and I think that people try to throw around to make it sound like they're thinking about things at a deeper level.

It's not about the Xs and Os it's about the brand, maaaaaaan…

Sure, I get that in the age of NIL programs are built more like businesses than ever before, but I want to stay in a world where Kellogg’s is a "brand" and the University of Alabama is a "school." 

I’m a simple man. Let’s stop over-complicating everything. 

…

That's for another stellar edition of The Gripe Report (if I may say so myself).

Come back for another round of gripes, and in the meantime, send in your own!: mattreigleoutkick@gmail.com