The Gripe Report: Wedding Edition

Welcome! We are gathered here today, for a very special edition of The Gripe Report.

If any person in this sanctuary has any reason why we should not go ahead and unload a bunch of wedding gripes, speak now or forever hold your peace.

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Yeah, that’s what I thought.

Alright folks, I’ve mentioned it before, but I’m currently "engaged to be wed" as they say, which means the wedding planning is on.

I’m no dummy (alright, not a complete dummy… fine, maybe a little) so I’ve been letting the fiancée take the lead on this endeavor while I throw in my two cents when asked.

Like I said, a lot of my ideas are kind of terrible anyway (although I stand by my suggestion that the meal should consist of brisket flown in from the legendary Franklin Barbecue in Austin, Texas).

Got a gripe? Send it in!: mattreigleoutkick@gmail.com

But the thing I’ve picked up on is that planning a wedding can be a tightrope walk because it’s a special day for the couple… but you also have to remember that you’re planning an event for guests, many of whom have to take off work and travel on their own dime to be in attendance.

So it’s tough. Maybe you like the idea of making all the guests wear Star Trek crew uniforms, but I promise you, your non-Trekkie guests will resent you for the rest of your life.

So, I solicited some of your best wedding gripes, and there were plenty of them. So, let’s get into it, shall we?

When it comes to feeding your hungry guests, you've got to go buffet. (Getty Images)

Non-Buffet Weddings

One of the big perks of going to a wedding is the food, and if the couple cares about their guests, the open bar.

Chris wrote in to explain why all weddings should have a buffet:

This one’s simple: HAVE A F’ING BUFFET that’s available to all upon arrival or soon after. We sat through your boring-ass self-written vows, we waited for y’all to take pictures, we stood in line to get a drink at the it-better-be-f’in-open-bar, we found a seat.

We’re hungry!

Don't make us wait to be sent table-by-table, or worse, wait for table service. Have somebody announce that the buffet is open, and everything will go more smoothly. Bonus: you’ll have fewer drunk chicks throwing up because they’ll have a little food in their stomachs.

Have a great weekend,
Chris

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This may stun some of you, but I'm not the biggest buffet guy in the world, at least not when it comes to day-to-day dining. 

I'd much rather have someone slide a plate of grub in front of me like I'm some sort of Count than rub elbows with commoners as we jockey for possession at the scalloped potatoes tray.

Having said this… Chris is right.

By the time the ceremony and the photos and all the other nonsense is wrapped up, people are typically starving and the best way to get a lot of people fed quickly is to just let them go to town on the buffet.

And as for the open bar. I get it's expensive, but it's a courtesy to the guests who showed up without pretending to have plans that day. This is especially necessary if the wedding is scheduled on a college football Saturday or NFL Sunday (which mine is; I lost that battle).\

Ceremonies That Drag On Forever

Say "I do," swap rings, and then let's get the part started. (Getty Images)

Jon has a wedding gripe that I think we can all get behind:

Wedding gripe, generally the ceremony takes too long.  I was a groomsman for a Catholic mass wedding and it took about an hour. Walk down the aisle, say your vows, walk out, 10 minutes tops. Spend all your time and money on a party/reception.  I will say the Catholic mass wedding was followed by a blowout party so it evened out.

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Preach, Jon!

I understand some religions and denominations have their way of doing things, but the ceremony should be as streamlined as humanely possible.

No one — I repeat — no one wants to sit through the ceremony. They're there because they want in on the reception. 

I can't really remember any ceremony, I've ever been to, but I can usually recall what I ate and drank at a given reception.

As I said, you're planning an event for guests. So maybe don't bore them half to death before cocktail hour starts.

Cover all the bases that need to be covered to make the marriage legal, but other than that chop, chop. We've got food to eat, drinks to drink, and line dances to throw down!

Maybe enjoy the moment instead of trying to turn it into a viral video sensation. (Getty Images)

Choreographed Dances/Other Gimmicks

Speaking of dances, I’m adding this one to the list.

Thank God, I think this trend has died, but do you remember like a decade ago every wedding had some horrendous choreographed dance with the endgame being to get some sort of viral video out of it?

I cringed so hard that something in my neck cracked just typing that sentence…

It seems to me that has died, which is great, and I don’t care how it happened. I hope it’s that people started coming to their senses and realizing that at some point they’d watch their wedding video with their kids years later and would have to explain to the li’l ones why they decided it was a good idea to produce a Busby Berkeley in the ballroom of the local Ramada.

"Well, kids… it’s just that back then, your mom and I thought we’d become TikTok stars if we did it…"

Sorry if you had to be part of one… but just know that you danced in oversized novelty glasses so that I didn’t have to. I appreciate your sacrifice.

But it’s not just the dances, I’m not big on anything gimmicky.

Like the garter and bouquet tosses? Not a fan (although at the last wedding we were at, my fiancée climbed the ladder like Odell Beckam Jr. and snagged the bouquet).

Calm down, dude. You didn't get invited, but at least your Saturday is free! (Getty Images)

People Who Are Mad About Not Getting Invited 

Our final gripe comes from Alan, a guy who knows a thing or two about a thing or two when it comes to weddings, seeing as he used to work as a wedding DJ:

People who get super offended for not getting invited to a wedding. My old roommate has not talked to me since I did not invite him to my wedding. This was almost 12 years ago. I lived with him for a few years and while I did not dislike him, we were never close friends. As noted in point one weddings are VERY expensive. The bride and groom cannot invite every Tom, Dick, and Harry they've ever drank a beer with. Just because someone doesn't invite you to their wedding doesn't mean they hate you.

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Anyone who gets upset about not being invited to a wedding is a person who acts on emotion.

If you're a practical person, you realize what a bullet you've dodged by just missing the cut.

You just saved some money, you've still got a free weekend, and if the wedding involved travel you saved more money and possibly vacation days.

I've been left off some lists and these were my first thoughts. Sure, maybe you send a gift, but depending on where the wedding is going down, you don't have any flights or hotel rooms to book.

Alan knows. Weddings are expensive as hell these days, and that's why people can't afford to invite their mailman or various cousins thrice removed like they used to back in the period that historians refer to as "The Day."

It's nothing personal, it's just that it costs a couple of hundred dollars a head at some places (which is bordering on extortion in my opinion, but if people are paying it, I need to get into the wedding biz).

I like to think of being left off the guest list kind of like not being asked to help someone move. Maybe I'll send a housewarming gift, but I'm very happy that my Saturday schedule is nice and open.

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Well, that's it for this edition of The Gripe Report (it's good it's over because if any edition gets me in a bit of trouble at home, it'll be this one).

Come on back next week for our regularly scheduled Gripe Report programming, and be sure to send in those gripes: mattreigleoutkick@gmail.com