The Gripe Report: Triple Jump, Pull-Tab Cans, Daylight-Saving Time, And More

Welcome to the first edition of The Gripe Report, and I’ve got to start with something that is the exact opposite of a complaint (boooooo!).

Thank you to everyone who sent in emails after we did that article last week announcing this column. The reaction has been fantastic, and I was thrilled to see a bunch of emails arriving in my inbox instead of — as I had feared — tumbleweeds.

I can’t get to everyone’s complaints all at once, but I’m going to make sure we get through as many as we can, and don’t hesitate to keep sending them to me!

Email your complaints to mattrreigleoutkick@gmail.com

As for me, I’ve got no shortage of stuff to complain about…

This week, I had to partake in one of my least favorite activities to tend to this week: taking my car in for service. 

It’s a necessary evil, but I don’t like burning a day off sitting at the car dealership while they try to find ways to squeeze money out of my wallet.

I usually have a good BS meter in these situations. I’m no Jay Leno when it comes to cars, but I won’t fall for them telling me I need some fresh stem lube…

This time I left with a brand-new shiny tire I didn’t plan on buying, and while that was annoying it didn’t compare to the frustration caused by the way the service people inevitably fiddle with your car.

My car (a 2022 Kia Forte; jealous?) has lane assist, a feature I absolutely loathe. If you want your car to battle you for no reason, I highly recommend you click on lane assist.

I never have that switched on, but without fail, every time I hop in the car after getting it serviced, there’s a moment on the way home where the car feels like it’s out of alignment or something.

Nope, it's just the lane assist feature.

How do you turn it off? Hell if I know, I never have it on in the first place. That leaves me barreling down the freeway mashing buttons on the steering wheel like I’m playing Street Fighter until it finally stops.

Just a useless invention that, at least for me, has caused way more instances of intense panic than any good.

And, by the way, if you need a system of sensors to keep you between the lines, you shouldn’t be out on the road.

Anyway, that’s enough of my moaning for this week.  Let’s hear from some of you fine folks who wrote in this week with your complaints, gripes, and grievances.

Is it time to retire the Triple Jump? And can we please do something about these pizza delivery fees? (Getty Images)

The Triple Jump And Delivery Fees

Ross in Michigan is the lucky man who will offer our inaugural gripes:

Love this idea Matt!  I have two things right off the bat:

The triple jump in track and field.  We already have the long jump, triple jump is stupid and not needed.  

The second is a pizza place by me that has a $2.00 "Delivery Charge" and then a separate charge titled "delivery" that is $1, neither of which is a tip!!!  See screenshot below:

 Stupid!  

Thanks for letting me vent!

…

Anytime Ross! And congrats on earning such an incredible honor. I don’t want to say it’s tombstone-worthy… but it’s tombstone-worthy.

First of all, the triple jump complaint was not something I have ever considered, but it’s been on my mind ever since I read this email.

I think we can all agree that the Olympics’ roster of sports needs a little fat-trimming. I love flag football getting the nod for 2028,  but do we need rhythmic gymnastics? Speed-walking? Equestrian?

No, no, and neigh.

I think Ross is right. Let’s add the triple jump to this list of Olympic events that have worn out their welcome and need to take a seat. 

I’m not a track and field expert — though I did have one spectacular season in middle school where I was a discus-throwing fiend — but doesn’t it stand to reason that whoever can jump the farthest once would probably just jump the farthest three times? 

Get rid of it, and make all the triple jumpers do long jump. That cuts down on the amount of work they need to do by around 66%. 

Then they can just put all their focus into that first jump and forget about those two unnecessary other ones.

Now, that pizza delivery receipt? That’s just upsetting on a few levels.

We all know you’re paying for convenience, but the delivery fees — which don’t count as tips — are ridiculous. And this receipt with two separate delivery fees is maddening.

I don’t know why, but I’d be less mad if there was just one fee and it was for $3 versus two fees one for $2 and one for $1.

Frankly, it’s irresponsible. This could lead to dudes with a few beers in them deciding they want to save $3 and driving down to Papa Gino’s (there’s always a pizza joint called Papa Gino’s).

Not safe. Get rid of them.

Pull-tab cans and select-a-size paper towels are causing some frustrations in the kitchen. (Getty Images)

Pull Tabs And Select-A-Size Paper Towels

Brian in New Jersey had a few things eating away at him this week, so let’s let him unload on a couple of common household items:

Let me get you started off on the right foot with two things Matt - pull tab can tops and select-a-size paper towels.

Do millennials not own can openers? That’s the ONLY reason I can fathom why the f--k my beloved Bumblebee Prime Solid Albacore Tuna switched from the tried-and-true can opener top, to a f–king pull tab top. Go ahead and try one. I dare you to come away from it not splashed to the neck with tuna juice. Makes my wife wonder if I’ve been out on a nooner. And once you finally dry off, try to drain the tuna water with the curved can top. Guess what? Can’t do it! Not unless you want half the tuna to swim away down the sink drain. An absolutely stupid, unnecessary "improvement."

Oh and guess what? It’s not just Bumblebee. Someone at Campbells thought, "Hey, pull tab top on condensed tomato soup. Genius! What could go wrong?" So if you’re having tomato soup with your tuna sandwich, have a Tide Stick handy, and get two paper towels ready to wipe yourself down. Or maybe six or seven paper towels, since that’s what usually ends up being ripped angrily from the stupid ass roll of select-a-size Bounty.

Brian

New Jersey

…

First of all, what a start we've been off to with these emails. Just some phenomenal pro-level complaining from everyone who wrote in.

I have no clue if I’m a millennial (I was born in almost the exact center of the 1990s) but I’m close. Nonetheless, I can proudly report that I not only own a can-opener, but I know how to use it too. 

And Brian is absolutely right. Those pull-tab cans are practically engineered to cause an uncomfortable moment with the missus or at least ruin your shirt with a spritz of tuna juice, dog food, or soup.

I don’t want to throw a tin foil hat on here, but I think he hit on something with needing a Tide Stick. Perhaps they’re in cahoots with each other doing this so you have to load up on Tide Sticks if you want anything sold in a can? Then maybe the food companies are getting kick-backs from the folks at Tide.

I’m not saying that’s what’s happening… but what I am saying is I have questions.

And those select-a-size paper towels are one of the dumbest marketing schemes ever. I don’t know if you’ve ever noticed, but paper towels have always been select-a-size. You just pull off more towels before you rip them off, leaving you with one giant paper towel. 

Why this was presented as some scientific breakthrough, I have no idea.

It’s right up there with Dude Wipes as far as a half-baked repackaging of the same product. 

Apparently, dudes were uncomfortable with buying regular ass wipes. They just weren’t manly enough I guess. So, they just took the same wipes and put them in a package with the word "Dude" on it, signifying that these aren’t your lady’s ass wipes… except they are.  

For some reason, they felt like this was a breakthrough that would see men across the nation walking around with sparkling asses.

That’s Madison Avenue for you…

Daylight-savings time has overstayed its welcome. (Getty Images)

Daylight-Saving Time

Tom in Houston did us all a favor by railing against something I think we all complained about this week at some point:

I'm assuming the complaint of the week this week is going to be losing an hour of sleep to daylight savings time, or more accurately that DST exists at all.  I think most people prefer it staying light later, and don't give a damn if the kids wait for the bus in the dark.  Or maybe that's just my wife.  I know I hate losing an hour of sleep on the weekend.  If you're going to take an hour, how about the last hour of the work week on Friday?  I'm not just about problems, I offer solutions.

Since we can't count on the government to do something good like taking that hour out of the work week or getting rid of DST, here's a work around:  Schedule a vacation the week after the Spring time change.  That way you can look at it as not losing an hour of sleep.  Instead, you are an hour closer to vacation.

Tom in Houston

…

I like Tom’s workaround for daylight-saving time and might have to keep that in mind for 2025. 

Has there been anything as universally reviled as Daylight Savings Time that simply will not die? Maybe the Transformers film franchise.

No one enjoys it at this point so why do we still do it? Let’s kill it off.

I agree, with Tom on this one. Who cares if it’s dark when kids are waiting for the bus? I did it when I was a kid, and quite frankly, it wasn’t any more dangerous than the terrors that awaited on the bus itself.

I’ll go a step further than just ditching DST: let’s get rid of time zones. I’m tired of having to do the math anytime I’m trying to call someone or watch a game.

Everyone should be on Eastern time. This way, if you’re trying to plan a meeting with someone you go, "I’ll call you at 7 pm" and they’ll know what that means. There won’t be any wondering if they meant 7 pm your time or theirs, and there won't be any math involved to translate things into your time zone. 

7 pm is 7 pm.

The New 7 pm — as it would be known (the old version would be branded as 7 pm Classic) — is the same 7 pm us Easterners have always known but now, it’s the same as the old 6 pm, 5 pm, and 4 pm for the central timers, mountain timers, and west coasters respectively.

Are there problems with this idea that I’m too stupid to fully consider? Probably. But at least all of our clocks will be set the same for the entire year.

…

That’s a wrap on the inaugural edition of The Gripe Report! 

Really appreciate you checking it out and if you’ve got a complaint or complaints of some sort — and we all know you do — be sure to send them to mattreigleoutkick@gmail.com.