The Gripe Report: Trash Cans As Tables, Readers Defend Crème Brûlée

How goes it? Welcome to another edition of The Gripe Report, everyone’s favorite complaint-centric corner of the internet.

We've got plenty of complaining ahead of us, but first, I've got something to plug.

Last Saturday marked the debut of my new column The Punch-Up w/ Matt Reigle. It's a look back at the news of the week but with jokes.

Good old-fashioned jokes. You love to see it.

We're keeping it light, we're keeping it fun, and you can find a new edition of The Punch-Up on Saturday mornings. 

I'm really excited about this and many thanks to all of you who checked out the first one, and if you didn't… well, I thought we were friends.

*Looks down at the ground sadly with hands in pockets and kicks a piece of gravel*

Now, enough of that, we've got griping to do, and I'll get us started…

Got a gripe? Send it in!: mattreigleoutkick@gmail.com

I go to Walt Disney World pretty frequently. The fiancée and I like to go for a walk around a park and grab a bite to eat after work or on weekends.

Now, most people familiar with Disney World know that Epcot is the place to go if you want to eat and drink. I love that, and it’s especially great during the various festivals where you can stuff escargot in your dumb face and then walk about seventy yards where you can pick up some Brazilian cheese bread.

They have tables set up for you to stand at and eat at, but they can be hard to come by, and now that’s where the gripe comes in.

If you go to Epcot, you will notice people standing next to trash cans and using the top of them as a makeshift table to hold their beer flight or their cardboard canoe filled with poutine.

It's kind of ironic that someone would follow the COVID guidelines on this filthy trash can, but then have no qualms about eating food off of it. (Getty Images)

Some say this is done out of necessity because tables are in short supply, but I don’t buy it. That’s because some people act like using a trash can in this way is a sort of right of passage and that their vacation hasn’t truly begun until they eat a Dole Whip off of a trash can which could have anything from puke to a spent diaper.

This means that when some handsome character like myself needs to throw away the wrapper from his soft pretzel, I have to ask the person parked near the can like they’ve sworn an oath to protect it to step aside.

What is even wilder is that because this has become a "popular" thing to do, I have actually seen people set up shop on trash cans while a perfectly good, vacant table is just steps away.

Look, I like Disney World, but I’ve got to be honest, you encounter a lot of complete idiots.

Whew… I need a $12 Moosehead draft from the maple popcorn cart in the Canadian Pavillion.

Now, let's see what you guys are griping about this week…

It's time to give the crème brûlée fans a chance to defend themselves. (Getty Images)

In Defence Of Creme Brulee

A couple of weeks ago, I decided to go scorched earth on crème brûlée. Now, I thought I dunked on it pretty well, but some of you disagreed with my take that crème brûlée is a scourge that must be stopped.

It's always interesting to me what gets a response. I've written thousands of articles about sometimes controversial topics, but the two stories that made the most people mad at me were — and I swear this is true — one about a lady knitting at a tennis match (knitters are a proud bunch, who knew?) and another one in which I said the CFL's "rouge" rule was dumb (Canadians are a proud bunch, who knew?)

Well, I didn't see it coming, but there are some folks more than happy to defend crème brûlée.

So, seeing as I'm a fair and also very handsome guy, I've decided to give some of you dissenters the floor.

First up is Alex:

Love the Gripe report but hard disagree on the Creme Brulé.  First, they aren't technically burning the custard they are burning the sugar they put on top. When done right it is amazing, the smooth custard, the crunchy lightly browned sugar amazing combo.  I have had it in Italy and it was life-changing.  Also, I love a Crème Brulé filled donut with the crunchy top and you can't change my mind.

The problem, as with anything, is that it has to be done right and a lot of places just use it as a crutch because it is a low cost and they go overboard on the burning and use trash custard from a can.  So you really have to look at where you are and make that call, it is usually a pretty easy call.  If you are in a nice Italian restaurant I think you are safe.  If you are at Applebee's just order a dollarita and call it good.

…

First of all, you had my attention at creme brulee-filled donuts.

I like it when we go all Turducken on desserts and just start cramming cakes inside of other cakes or sticking churros through donuts or whatever.

But I think Alex is right. Maybe I just haven't been to the right crème brûlée joint. Maybe someplace where the head chef's name is "Jacques." That would probably be a good place to start.

Alright, now it's Mel's turn to tell me why I'm wrong:

Crème brûlée is exceptional when you add a pour of your favorite scotch to sip. The taste combination makes burnt cream the best dessert on the planet, and the best way to end any meal.

Anyone who orders crème brûlée without scotch should not be allowed to roam free in an open society.

..

I'm torn on this one.

On one hand, that sounds delightful, but on the other, I think you could argue that if you have to dump booze on something to make it good… maybe it's not too great to begin with.

But hey, it takes a big man to admit he's wrong, and while I wouldn't go that far just yet, I am open to trying it.

And last, but certainly not least, Jon has the floor:

Crème brûlée gripe, you are a Neanderthal.  It is a layer of sugar on top that has been caramelized with a torch.  When done properly, the underneath custard is not affected and still soft.  Nothing should taste burnt.  

You just haven’t had a properly prepared dessert.

…

Hey, just because I have a prominent brow ridge, bad posture, and am scared of fire doesn’t make me a Neanderthal!

So, what I'm gathering is that the proper crème brûlée requires an expert hand. 

I don't know. I'm willing to give it another go, but if I do, I'd better be impressed.

I love a yield sign, and it bugs me that there are so many dopes who have no idea what to do when they come to one. (Getty Images)

Fewer Stop Signs/More Yields

Bob has a traffic gripe for us to bring this week to a close:

Overuse of stop signs. Often a Yield sign will do and be more efficient. You see a lot more of those in England but they say Give Way but mean the same thing. 

…

I love me a yield sign. It's like a stop sign's more chill brother.

It's just like, "Stop if you have to, bro, but if not just roll on through. You do you."

I like that.

Bob's right, there are way too many instances where a stop sign gets the job, but a yield sign could've handled business just fine.

I think as a society we all just default to stop signs. Everyone knows them and how they work. Everyone should know how yield signs operate, but if you've driven lately — and I'm sure you have ± then you'll be acutely aware that that isn't the case.

We need to do something about wasteful government spending, but I think a campaign to explain how yield signs would be money well spent.

So, I'm with Bob. Bring on the yields!

…

That's it for this week's edition of The Gripe Report! 

A good time was had by all as per usual.

Be sure to send in those gripes for next week!: mattreigleoutkick@gmail.com

And be sure to keep an eye out for the next edition of The Punch-Up!