The Gripe Report: Road Rage Edition Covers Cyclists, Traffic Circles And Texting While Driving

I don’t have much of a morning commute. 

First, I wake up and pop my contacts in so I don’t crash into the corner of the kitchen island or step on a chewed-up Nylabone (which feels like stepping on a dozen flaming Legos).

After that, I make some coffee and walk through the living room into my office, by which I mean the extra bedroom with a desk in the corner.

That’s it. Commute complete. Traffic is a little worse on the way home if the dog is laying between the extra bedroom and the kitchen, but that's life.

Notice the complete absence of a car on that commute.

Have a complaint? Send it in!: mattreigleoutkick@gmail.com

I bring this up to illustrate that I drive considerably less than a lot of people. My 2022 Kia Forte (sorry to big-time all of you) has about 11,500 miles on it.

However, despite the comparative lack of seat time, I could still complain about what happens on the highways and byways of America for hours.

Few experiences in everyday life are as regularly frustrating as driving is, and everyone has their driving pet peeves.

I know this firsthand because I’ve received a lot of emails from some of you fine folks about things other drivers do that really get you hot under the collar.

We talked about unnecessary politeness at 4-way stops in the last edition of The Gripe Report, and this week we’re going to dedicate the entire thing to your traffic complaints.

Let’s get right into it because the traffic gripe well is a deep one…

Possibly the most dangerous thing you can do in your car aside from jumping it over a gorge (although texting and driving can inadvertently lead to that). Getty Images)

People On Their Phones While Driving

William is going to do the honors of getting things rolling for us with a complaint about what is quietly more dangerous than just about anything you can do in a car;

People using their mother bucking phones while driving. I have seen people watching movies, Instagram reels, scrolling Facebook, the communist's social media TikTok, and texting all while stuck in traffic and driving.  Nothing is damn important to put other people's lives on the line while driving and being [on] the mother bucking phone.

William

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Boy… you could feel the rage behind that one, and for good reason (also impressive work censoring yourself; "bucking" was a new one for me). 

It’s startling how many people you’ll see on the phone while you’re out on the roadways. People chatting, texting, trying to pull up their most fire Spotify playlist, or even flipping through social media.

This speaks to something I’ve noticed over the years: people are way too comfortable with cars.

I find it crazy how many people will just step off the curb in front of a car just expecting that it will stop for them or, in this case, drive one at highway speeds without looking where it’s going. 

Guys, it’s a several-thousand-pound machine that runs on dead dinosaurs (or wall outlets if you bought into that) show it some respect. They’re dangerous!

The other thing about the texting and driving people I don’t get is that, in an age where I can’t seem to get away from my phone, driving gives you an excuse not to answer anyone.

Sure, I have my phone hooked up to Apple Carplay, so I could safely answer if needed, but no one ever questions you if you say you didn’t answer them because you were driving. 

Obviously, those glancing down at their phones and sending GIFs are too dumb to pick up the joy of not letting your phone control you for a few minutes.

Speaking of which, phones are often a culprit for our next complaint…

Whoever stranded these folks at a green light is going to hear some honking. (Getty Images)

People Who Don’t Move Immediately After The Light Turns Green

We all want to get wherever we’re going safely, but also quickly. Ian in Arkansas had a gripe about one such person who appears hellbent on making you late for everything:

I got one for ya, it should be double fine for people that are first in line at a red light that don’t go because they’re playing on their phone. Every other person behind them is playing too I get it, but they have taillights to let them know traffic is moving again. The person in the front of the line doesn’t have that luxury yet still has a civic duty to every person behind them to get the line rolling in a timely manner so the person at the tail end has a shot of making it too.

..

I agree people caught playing on their phones deserve a hefty fine. However, I think this should be the case for anyone who doesn’t jump off the line like Usain Bolt coming out of the blocks at the Olympics.

Everyone behind you is relying on the person at the front of the line to have some quick reflexes and you get us all moving as soon as they can. If that means you sit there for a minute or two without checking your phone, so be it. 

This is serious business here.

There’s no excuse, but inevitably we’ll get some people who don’t understand the gravity of the situation. Those people need some help.

My car has one of those sensors that lets you know when the car in front of you has moved. However, that doesn’t work if you’re first in line. 

We need a camera that can discern a red light from a green light and knows if you’re first in line. Then one second after the light switches, if it doesn’t detect even the slightest increase in RPMs, it starts shrieking like an alley cat that caught on fire.

I know some people will eventually train themselves to tune the shrieking on-fire cat sound out the way they do with the seat belt warning chime and the chirping noise smoke alarms make when they run out of juice.

But hey, it’s worth a shot, because we’re all sick of these folks.

Noting will ruin your morning faster than running into a peloton. (Getty Images)

Cyclists

It’s not just automobiles out on the road, although a lot of us wish it was. No; we also share the road with cyclists, who can sometimes be — in a word — difficult.

Here’s Paul in Florida’s take:

Don't get me started on the dang cyclists. I'm going to church on a Sunday morning. I'm not driving a chase car in the Tour De France for crying out loud. What do they call a herd of cyclists in the Tour? A Peloton or something? Listen I get it's great exercise and it's nice down here in sunny SWFLA but come on. It's an epidemic. I'm a simple dude. Get my clothes on sale at Tractor Supply I just can't imagine going out and buying cycling clothes, shoes, let alone the bike. GET OFF MY LAWN!

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Alright…

*Takes a deep breath*

Let’s get into this one…

I also live in the great state of Florida, and I can confirm that, especially on weekend mornings, cyclists completely invade the roads.

There’s a road I have to take just about everywhere I go that, for some reason, is a favorite stomping ground for tight-clothing-clad cyclists.

I understand cycling is great exercise. I like riding bikes too. Before I could drive, that was all I did. Neighbors called me the "Bike Ridin' Kid" (okay, they didn't… at least not to my face). But the sense of entitlement with a lot of cyclists boggles my mind so much, I kind of respect it in a strange, paradoxical way.

This road that they love to pedal on near where I live is one of the rare roads in the area that is pretty hilly. Without fail, I wind up on the rear tire of the dude serving as peloton caboose right at the apex of a hill. This wouldn’t be a problem if all the cyclists stuck to the shoulder, but of course, they don’t do that.

There’s some unwritten rule that cyclists have to ride side by side so they can chat. I have no idea what they're discussing. The merits of shaving your legs verus using Nair? Guys, it can wait until you're sipping post-ride Jamba Juices.

The problem with this is it means to get past them you have to dunk your driver's side tires into the other lane. This is incredibly dangerous because you can’t see what’s on the other side of the hill.

But if you don’t take that risk, the cyclists gesticulate at you like you’re the douche because you decided not to potentially drive into oncoming traffic like you’re behind the wheel of Kurt Russell’s car from Deathproof.

I don’t get the clothing either. Don’t get me wrong, I get why they wear it, I just don’t get why every cyclist looks like they have sponsors plastered all over them like they’re wearing Premier League soccer kits.

Just wear a plain colored tight shirt. No one is going to believe that some company is paying you to go on your Sunday bike rides.

Anxiously awaiting a cyclist’s rebuttal to this one: mattreigleoutkick@gmail.com

Still, after all these years, people haven't figured out that it angers fellow drivers when they dog it in the fast lane. (Getty Images)

Slow Drivers In The Fast Lane

I’d consider this the granddaddy of all traffic complaints, and I heard it from a few folks, but let’s Chris do the honor:

Drives me absolutely nuts when people drive slow in the fast lane on the freeway - move over!!! 

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Thanks, Chris; that’s all that needs to be said. 

I can’t believe this discussion is still being had in the Year of Our Lord 2024.

The fast lane, the passing lane, the left lane, whatever you want to call it, stay out of it if you plan to stick to the speed limit like some law-abiding citizen. It’s really that simple.

I mean, at this point, people have to know what they’re doing, right? Are they trying to slow everyone down? Speed vigilantes?

Don’t be that guy, because I can assure you a lot — and I mean a lot — of people hate your 65 mph guts.

The roundabout has a habit of perplexing drivers, despite being about as simple as it can be. (Getty Images)

Roundabouts

Now let’s bring things full circle in the most literal sense with a complaint about roundabouts.

Specifically, those who can’t get a firm grasp on how they work:

What is up with people and roundabouts? I guess if they cannot handle a 4 way stop, the roundabout is going to cause them more confusion. 

NO.. You do not need to stop and wait until the entire roundabout is clear before you enter.  It is a yield sign.. yield into the flow of traffic.

NO.. YOU DO NOT STOP in the roundabout so others who have yield signs can enter the roundabout.  They will yield into them.

NO … City planners, if people cannot handle one lane roundabout what makes you think they can handle 3 lane roundabouts?  Does not matter if they work in other countries and besides in other countries the roundabout is usually much larger so trucks can use them as well.

Pat O in KC

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Pat O in KC gets it.

I am a big roundabout guy, and I can not figure out why more people aren’t. The first time you encounter one in the wild, it’s a bit of a headscratcher. However, after that, it’s a cakewalk.

I think it just feels too European and that’s the hang-up for a lot of people. Even the name "roundabout" sounds like some dude with a top hat is going to hand you a cup of Earl Gray tea and a digestive biscuit as you drive by.

We need an American name for them, and I’d like to submit "Freedom Circle."

Once you get the hang of  ̶r̶o̶u̶n̶d̶a̶b̶o̶u̶t̶s̶ Freedom Circles, they’re great and they keep traffic going, but I agree, this nation is not prepared for a three-laner. 

I feel like someone would get stuck in a vortex and never come out. 

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That’s it for this edition of The Gripe Report! 

Have a complaint? A complaint about a complaint we talked about here? Want to complain about my complaints? Be sure to let me know by shooting an email to mattreigleoutkick@gmail.com.