The Gripe Report: 'No Dog Poo' Signs, Recycling Bins, Smoke Detector Batteries

We’re back on another wonderful Friday and that means a brand-new edition of The Gripe Report, the column some are calling "OutKick's best complaint-centric feature."

I’ve got a little bit of time off next week, and I’m going to use it to recharge the batteries with my girlfriend and her brother’s family, and if what I’ve seen about the resort we’re staying at is to be believed — things like very expensive drinks and food, and people bogarting lounge chairs — we will also get some good gripe fodder.

Have a gripe? We all know that you do! Send it in!: mattreigleoutkick@gmail.com

But this week, I’ve got something else that’s been bugging me, and it has to do with a shopping complex near my apartment. 

This place has a Publix grocery store, a nail place, and a dentist. However, there’s one spot left that has been earmarked to be the home of a brand new Jersey Mike’s sub shop that is still not open.

Now, if you saw the fast food list Gunz and I did the other week, I put Jersey Mike’s at No. 5. They make a fine sub, and I’ve been jonesing for one.

When the sign went up on the building and outside the complex, I was practically tying a napkin around my neck like a hungry Looney Tunes character.

But that was like two months ago, and Jersey Mike’s is still not open.

I don’t like when the government over-regulates everything, but I think we need a law that says new businesses must wait to install signage until right before they open. We can call it the "Stop Hosing Hungry And Very Handsome Customers For Months With Premature Signage Act."

We can nickname it "Matt’s Law."

I’m just sick of getting excited about stuff and then having that excitement transmogrifying into frustration because I have no clue when the place opens.

My new sign law — "Matt’s Law;" that’s so f--king catchy — will solve this problem.

Now, let’s see if we can’t solve some other problems, let’s get to some gripes.

Some homeowners would rather have a fake dog ripping a deuce on their lawn permanently than a real one occasionally. (Photo courtesy of GBS in NJ)

Dog Poo Signs

GBS in NJ is back with another gripe and this is an interesting one. It’s essentially a gripe that counters another person’s gripe.

Gripeception…

There's also a photo to accompany this one, which you can see above.

Got a gripe report candidate for you. Stupid people. In this case, people who don’t want other people’s dogs to crap on their lawn. Which I totally get. But think about it. Where this is, is a nice town. So how often will a dog decide his or her moment is their lawn? And then how often will the dog owners not clean it? It’s not never. But it ain’t a lot. Instead, these people have TWO figures of a dog crapping at the front of their lawns 100% of the time. Genius!

…

I’ve got a lot of thoughts about dog poop. 

That’s not a sentence I thought I’d type in my professional career, but here we are.

I think that the overwhelming majority of dogwalkers pick up after their dog. I see tons of people carrying bags with them on walks. However, it does feel like the select few who do not want to be bothered to clean up after their dog (or forget a bag and are at the farthest point away from home on the walking route and can’t pick it up, which happened to me once and it still keeps me up at night) seem to be feeding their dogs nothing but Beefarino.

So, I get why people don’t want other people’s pets ripping deuces in their yard… but that’s because we can’t even trust our neighbors to clean up after their pooch.

Still, a mystery coil on a yard in a nice neighborhood seems like a rare occurrence and that’s where I think the signs are a wild move.

You mean to tell me that the occasional rogue turd is better than multiple, permanent dog-silhouette signs?

I respectfully have to disagree with your stance on dog s–t.\

If the idea is to keep your yard ready for its HGTV close-up, isn't a sign like that worse than the pile? 

If someone lets their dog unload, just pick it up with a shovel and lacrosse it into the neighbor's yard like the rest of us.

If you want to help save the planet, then your recyclables better be one of these things. (Getty Images)

Recycling Bins

We'll keep the next two gripes in-house. First up is OutKick's own Zach Dean, who had a complaint for us about recycling:

Recycling bins. Meant to tell you earlier for the report but you can use it next week. It’s all a complete sham. The country begs us to recycle, which is a pain in the ass. But we do it. We get one green bin for recycling. I ran out of room in it last week, so I used a spare trash bin for the leftover boxes. Set it right beside the green bin so they’d know it was also recycling. They came, took the green one, and just refused to take the other one. So, the trash people came and took it later in the day. I said, "Welp, if they don’t give a s--t, I certainly don’t." So I’m officially out on recycling.

…

I’m with Zach on this one. We all agree that recycling is a total joke right? 

Like I’m all for doing it, and still throw my plastic bottles in a recycling bin when I can, but if you read up on how much of what we throw in those bins actually gets recycled properly, it’s pretty low. 

Also, the hard and fast rule that recycling has to be in a specific bin seems to be counterproductive. I get that sometimes that has to do with the recycling truck having one of those arms that comes out and picks up the bin, but to that, I'd say, how about hiring two guys to ride on the back and throw the recycling — no matter what container it's in — in the back of the truck.

I miss seeing trash collectors on the back of trucks like they're on a bus in the middle of Mumbai rush hour traffic. I don't feel like I see that as much as I used to.

Obviously, the powers that be who claim to want people to recycle don't want it that bad or they wouldn't make it so ridiculously difficult at times. The apartment I live in doesn't even do it. If I was hell-bent on recycling,  I don't even know how I'd do it. Drive it to a nice neighborhood and throw it in their bins?

No, I'm not an animal. So, at least at home, I am also out on recycling.

Smoke detectors will only ever start their low-battery chirping in the middle of the night or some other wildly inconvenient time. (Getty Images)

Smoke Detectors With Low Batteries

OutKick’s own Amber Harding

I have a Gripe for you if you'd like to use it: The smoke detector low battery alarm NEVER starts at a reasonable hour. It's always at 2 in the morning when you're asleep. It's like it sits and waits for the most inopportune time.

…

I s–t you not: Amber sent this to me on Tuesday, and I had this happen the very next day about an hour before I woke up.

Maddening.

She could not have been more right about this. I think I’ve had this happen to me like three times and it was always while I was sleeping. One time, it forced me to make a middle-of-the-night trip to Wawa in hopes of snagging a 9-volt, only to get there and be informed that they don’t sell batteries (I don’t believe that, I think this dude was just pissed someone walked into the store in the middle of the night and he couldn't just sit there and vape).

I think we should all have a "break glass in case of emergency" pack of 9 volts on hand at all times, but it's not something that occurs to me until the smoke detector starts chirping. 

Once it starts I need it remedied immediately. I can't deal with it for a year like Deommodoer Lenoir.

This time it started chirping, I was going to do it. Instead, we got it fixed by the maintenance guy, something I have mixed feelings about.

It's a real double-edged sword. On one hand, that's one of the perks of living in an apartment; that stuff is handled for you.

On the other, nothing is more emasculating than having some dude come over to perform the easiest household fixes imaginable. 

Having to thank another adult for changing a light bulb for you is embarrassing, but it saved us money on the bulbs so it's not that bad.

…

Now, that was a Gripe Report. I say we reconvene back here next week and do it all over again.

In the meantime, be sure to send me your gripes!: mattreigleoutkick@gmail.com