The Gripe Report: Lounge Chair Etiquette, 'Can't Find Any Good Pizza' Guys, Disposable Flossers On The Ground

After a one-week hiatus, because somebody took a little time off with his girlfriend's family in town, The Gripe Report is back, baby!

*Deafening applause, women in the crowd sob like they're watching the Beatles on Ed Sullivan*

Whew, it was a rough week taking what we call a "staycation" here in Central Florida and hitting up this fancy new resort that my lady got a very good Florida resident deal on (otherwise we probably wouldn't have gone) called Evermore Resort.

It was fantastic, and the centerpiece is this absurdly massive pool that makes you feel like you're on the beaches in the Caribbean, but still only a 15-minute drive from a Trader Joe's.

Couldn't say enough good things about it. The food and drinks were delicious, the staff was great, and the room was awesome.

But…

If you think I came out of three days at that place without a gripe, then you must be new 'round these parts.

Have a gripe? I think we all know that you do. Send it in!: mattreigleoutkick@gmail.com

The idea behind this resort is that it feels like a beach resort and boy, did they nail that, because the same lawlessness that comes with people staking claims to lounge chairs was recaptured to a T.

Now, it wasn't too packed when I was there, and there were plenty of chairs to pick from, but not all are created equal. There are some primo chairs and those are the ones that people like to take.

I get it, but what I don't like is someone deciding that they can stake their claim to a chair — or set of chairs — for an entire day, but marking their territory with a single flip-flop or a haphazardly draped towel.

I feel like the chair reservation on beaches and at pools is pretty lawless. Wild West homesteaders had more rules to follow when staking their claims to real estate so I think as a society, we need to agree on some ground rules.

Oh you wanted a seat? Sorry, most of these chairs belong to families who haven't used them all day and are currently in their rooms napping. (Getty Images)

I don't expect you to have your ass in a chair all day, but if you're going to take one you need to make an occasional appearance to let everyone know you're still actively using it. I think once every 90 minutes is more than reasonable. That gives you time to go for a swim, a walk, or grab a bite to eat, but then you need to return to the chair to re-apply sunblock, read a book, or take a swig of your melted margarita so that those looking for a chair or looking to upgrade know that you're using it and aren't just a raging douche.

If the 90-minute rule isn't followed, I think people should be able to take your spot. It's getting out of hand when people put towels down at the pool and then leave them there all day. Meanwhile, handsome writers with sunburn and a beer in hand like me have to search every nook and cranny for a place to sit like he's looking for a lost dog.

Ridiculous. It's another thing Kamala Harris could have fixed while in office and chose not to.

Anyway, let's get on with our regularly scheduled griping…

Good pizza places can be hard to find in certain places, although, for some reason, most of them have kitchen staff uniforms consisting of ratty white t-shirts, typically on dudes with exposed, hairy forearms. I'm not sure of the science behind that but it's true. (Getty Images)

People Who Complain About A Lack Of Good Pizza

A couple of weeks ago I complained about a Jersey Mike's store that prematurely put up its sign (Update: it did open. No, I haven't gone yet because I still feel slighted by the early signage). Chris took me to task for seemingly betraying my adopted home state of Florida's state delicacy — the Pub Sub — which is available right next door.

He also tacked on a somewhat related gripe about people who complain about not being able to find good pizza:

Matt, I thought you were a Floridian! Why would anyone go next door for a smelly, oily sandwich when Pub Subs are literally next door? And you can get chips, a drink, and some Oreos on your way out.

Subs are literally next door? And you can get chips, a drink, and some Oreos on your way out.

Ooh, there’s a gripe: why move from NY/NY/MA/CT to Florida just to spend all your time complaining about how the pizza isn’t as good? Go back!

Enjoy your time off,

Chris

…

Appreciate it, Chris, but I want this on the record: Publix will still be getting my cold sub/chicken tender sub business, while Jersey Mike's will get my cheesesteak business (and an occasional Italian sub Mike's way).

Anywho, normally I agree with gripes, but this is one of the rare complaints where — to quote a crappy song by Travis Kelce's girlfriend — I'm the problem; it's me.

I'm a chronic "I Can't Find Any Good Pizza Around Here" Guy because I grew up in Pennsylvania which was close enough to New York City for some really good pizza to bleed into the area.

Down here in the Sunshine State, we don't have the right mineral composition for good dough, and unless a place has one of those water converters the pizza suffers, as do the bagels, thus leading to the complaint

However, I will concede: it's irritating as hell when people do this.

Chris is dead on the money with this, and I'm going to check myself next time I do it.

Having said that, if anyone has any pizza recommendations for the greater Orlando area, lay 'em on me: mattreigleoutkick@gmail.com.

A set of disposal flossers. It was nice of whoever took this photo to put the white flosses on an equally white background. Why would you want the subject of the photo to stand out?! (Getty Images)

Disposable Flossers Being Disposed Of Improperly

Jim from Michigan is hitting us with one of those gripes that I've never really thought about, but as soon as I read it I realized I see it all the time:

When did parking lots become trash bins for disposable flossers?  I can't get out of my car at a gas station, a grocery store or a church without seeing a (presumably used) disposable flosser tossed carelessly on the ground.  At this rate used condoms can't be far behind.

…

Jim's right, litter is a slippery slope that way.

I'm a disposable flosser guy. I don't even know why anyone wouldn't use them. If I try to floss the old-fashioned way like they did in Victorian England I feel like an idiot trying to cram both my hands in my mouth to knock a piece of lettuce loose.

Which, to that point, hey dentists: can we go with a dozen or so plastic flosses instead of the sample pack of floss that will serve no purpose other than jostling around in my bathroom drawer until I move?

And would it kill you to throw in a balsa wood glider or one of those army men with the parachute? Adults like those too.

Anyway, I understand why people would keep them in their car, pocket, or purse, although, I prefer the much cooler-looking post-meal host stand toothpick. 

But what boggles my mind is someone that into dental hygiene, but is such a slob they leave a flosser with their discarded tooth gunk on the ground so it can get caught in the treads of sneakers (or, I'll level with you, Crocs).

That's an oxymoron to me. How can you be so into hygiene, but also such a pig?

Leave it in your car or — hey, here's a novel idea — go find a trash can or a dumpster to flick it into.

This isn't hard people…

…

Man, it felt good to hop back in the griping saddle. We'll do it again next week. In the meantime, be sure to send me your gripes!: mattreigleoutkick@gmail.com