The Gripe Report: Joys Of Moving Edition

After a one-week hiatus for me to travel up to snowy Pennsylvania from sunny Florida, the digital complaint box that is The Gripe Report is back!

Apologies for last week. I was enjoying some time with family, and while I feel like all of you Gripe Report readers and regulars are family, you didn’t feed me and pay for my hockey when I was a kid.

So, family first.

Have a gripe? Send it in!: mattreigleoutkick@gmail.com

Anyway, I’m back and while I’ve got a couple of things on the calendar over the next few weeks, the big thing is something that I alluded to the other week, and that is that my fiancée and I are moving from an apartment to a rented townhouse.

So basically, an apartment with stairs.

I’m very excited about it — especially the prospect of getting a grill — but I loathe the moving process.

It’s just so tedious. You don’t realize  ̶h̶o̶w̶ ̶m̶u̶c̶h̶ ̶c̶r̶a̶p̶ how many cherished memories you have until you cram all of them in boxes and move them into a new place. 

So, let's talk about a few of the worst things about moving…

This fella is feeling light on his feet after starting his day by destroying some stranger's bathroom (Getty Images)

Movers Using Your Bathroom

Jeff D in VA is going to lead us off this week with a gripe about the unsung heroes of moving: movers:

Back when I was in the military I had to move quite a bit. It seemed every time we moved the first thing the movers would ask us was, "Can I use your bathroom?" They inevitably blow up the hall bathroom and the stench would linger throughout the day.

…

I want to see a little more planning on this front from moving guys. 

Sure, if they need to use the restroom, be my guest, but walking in the house and having a movement before you've even moved a box or a bed frame is just poor planning.

Maybe don't swing by 7-Eleven for a breakfast burrito and a black coffee. I mean, mixing those two things is practically jet fuel for your colon.

It's not just movers who are guilty of this though. Years ago, my grandparents bought a fridge from a big-box hardware store which shall remain nameless (although, I will tell you it rhymed with "Schmlowe's) when the guy asked if he could use their bathroom.

Of course, being fine people they said sure (however, I'm curious what would have happened if they had said, "We'd prefer if you didn't; there's a dog poo station with bags in the park behind the condo") and this proved to be a big mistake for all parties.

The guy emerged — surely with sweat glistening on his brow — and asked if they had a plunger.

This is what you call a "No-Win Situation." 

The delivery guy was mortified, and my grandparents were pissed (and probably wished that the delivery guy had just pissed).

So, this is a two-way street. Believe me, I appreciate the work of movers, but if they know how to Tetris an L-shaped couch down several flights of stairs, they're smart enough to skip the breakfast crunchwrap on the way to help you move.

We've got a bonus, related gripe from Jeff. Most movers are good people but remember, you are letting strangers into your house to carry around and handle all of your belongings and personal effects:

Before one move I made the mistake of leaving my wallet and keys on the counter like I did every day for the last three years. As the truck was loaded I went to get my wallet to tip everyone I found that my wallet was gone. 

Luckily the driver of the truck was a good guy and reported it to his office. The office told me they didn’t want to lose the military contract and they asked me how much I had in my wallet and the driver paid me in cash. My wallet was then found in the mulch in front of my house dry (it had just stopped raining.) No cash but everything else was in it. The only reason I had cash in my wallet was to tip the movers, I guess they got their tip early and the moving company reimbursed me. I did lose a little faith in humanity that day.

…

Ugh. You trust people to move your personal effects and this is what can happen.

Sad.

A nice, spartan coffee machine like this should last you a few years… or it could break tomorrow; who knows?! (Getty Images)

Coffee Makers That Don’t Hold Up

OutKick's own Nightcaps-er and Monday Morning Pit Stop-er Zach Dean is chiming in this week with a gripe that was not explicitly about moving, but did kind of tie in.

Coffee pots that always go to shit. Mine broke this morning. It's my FOURTH one in 10 years. Add that to the report.

They're worse than iPhones.I think it's all rigged to break so you have to keep buying a new one.

…

When you move you'll inevitably have to pick up a few things. Like the last time I moved, it dawned on me that we had no toaster.

But ask any  ̶c̶r̶o̶t̶c̶h̶e̶t̶y̶ ̶g̶e̶e̶z̶e̶r̶ cherished old-timer, and they'll tell you that they don't make anything like they used to.

I used to get annoyed by that, but you know what, they're right and this is a perfect example.

Coffee makers are a fickle mistress. My lady and I have a Keurig that is a K-Cup and pot combo. She goes K-Cups and I go for pots. It's about as highfalutin as I'd like to go for a coffee maker or any other small appliance because they're all too complicated for their own good.

For some reason, everything now comes with Bluetooth and connects to wi-fi. I swear; everything. Coffee machines, toasters, toaster ovens, air fryers, grills, and if you look hard enough, I bet you could find a toothbrush that can sync to your phone and give you information about your brushing habits that you will never look at.

But inevitably, all of that stuff breaks.

Do you know what never breaks? The $20 Mr. Coffee that does nothing but make coffee. It doesn't need to send a push notification to let you know it's coffee time. It doesn't let you dial in the exact temperature of the water.

It simply says, "Here's your coffee, douche; take it and get bent," and it will last for decades.

I've been into simplifying my tech usage lately. I don't want a thermometer that will tell me the temperature of my steak even if I'm floating around in space or on the other side of the world.

I just need a thermometer that will tell me the temperature of my steak while I'm standing directly next to it, and I guarantee that thing will last so long it will be passed down to my hypothetical children and their hypothetical children (which by that point will probably be half-android).

So, coffee machines? Keep ‘em simple and they’ll be part of the family for years to come.

Always wanted to drive a truck and have a credit card? U-Haul would like a word. (Photo by Tim Boyle/Getty Images)

People Who Have No Business Driving U-Hauls Driving U-Hauls

I find U-Hauls absolutely fascinating.

It boggles my mind that there's no background test, no road test, no special training; you just roll in and prove to them you have a valid driver's license and a credit card that works, and boom, they'll toss you the keys to the biggest vehicle you've ever driven in your life.

Not to brag, but I used to drive radio station vans. They're not hard to drive, but there is a learning curve, especially as far as spatial awareness and visibility are concerned.

I got a couple of reps in before I was driving vans in cities or parades. 

But a lot of people are getting their first taste of a vehicle that isn' their daily driver, and it's up to the rest of us to deal with it.

Box truck blocking the street? Too bad; Scott has a couch he has to move and his friend with the pickup truck is done dishing out favors.

Just got cut off by a U-Haul van? That's because 5-foot-tall Stacy is trying to drive a large vehicle in a city she's not familiar with and can barely see over the dashboard.

In a way, I see it as a throwback to the American West. U-Haul just hands you the keys and turns you loose on your new homestead.

If you run over a couple of buffalo or an Apache scout along the way, well, we'll deal with that later…

Ahh… everything is in the new place… now have fun correcting addresses for the next few weeks. (Getty Images

Changing Your Address

I think the thing I'm reading the most about moving is the thing that is the least physically demanding, and that is changing my address on everything.

Work stuff.

Bank stuff.

Subscription services.

I'll need a fresh driver's license.

E-vuh-ry-thing…

It's just so tedious, and on a lot of these apps you have to hunt around for the option to change your information, and in half of those, once you find it, they'll just say, "Sorry, bro; you've got to do this on a desktop."

I wish addresses were like phone numbers. I have a number that I got in high school and it's sticking with me until T-Mobile pries it out of my cold, dead hands (or some stalker gets a hold of it; whichever comes first).

Area codes are hardly a thing anymore, at least not how they used to be, and it doesn't matter. There should be a way to give yourself something like a locker room nameplate. All your info is on that nameplate, and when you move, they just pop out the nameplate of the guy who lived there before you (as if he got traded) and pop yours in its place.

Done. Everything updates itself.

…

Whew, I'm parched. Now I've got to go pay all the people who helped with this edition of The Gripe Report in pizza and beer.

Same time next week… and would you mind bringing your truck?

In the meantime, keep sending in those gripes!: mattreigleoutkick@gmail.com