The Gripe Report: The Do's And Do-Not-Do's Of Jellyfish Stings, Concert Beachballs, People Stopping In Walkway

Ahoy-hoy! Welcome to a fresh edition of The Gripe Report, where we run through the things that are eating away at all of us this week.

I’m not going to lie, I had a pretty damn good week. I turned the big 2-9 (big birthday) and celebrated the way I do every year: with Mattsgiving.

What is Mattsgiving? Why, it’s just Thanksgiving in the summer. I realized when I was about a junior in high school that as much as we all love a Thanksgiving meal, why do we have it only once a year?

So, I decided that for my birthday that year, we were doing a turkey with stuffing, filling (Pennsylvania Dutch people know what I’m talking about), mashed potatoes, cranberry sauce, and more.

It has turned into an annual holiday that we celebrate every summer, and it was great, (although, the president was told/decided that he wasn’t going to run anymore and hijacked the Mattsgiving news cycle. Not cool).

Feel like complaining? Send in a gripe! mattreigleoutkick@gmail.com

But a nice Mattsgiving won't keep me from griping, nor should it keep you from doing it either.

We've got a hearty crop of complaints this week, so let's get right into it.

Jellyfish stings are terrible but they're still better than getting peed on in front of everyone on the beach. (Getty Images)

Jellyfish Stings And How To Treat Them

I hit the beach earlier this year and didn't see any jellyfish doing whatever it is that they do, but I know the same can not be said for others.

So, Tom in Houston has some great reminders about what to do and more importantly not do if you or one of your kids has a brush with a jellyfish:

I have a beach gripe, and I'm sorry I didn't share it at the beginning of summer.  It might have saved a few kids from a strange experience with weird Uncle Bill after getting stung by a jellyfish.  I'm not griping about the jellyfish.  I'm griping about the idiotic "Friends" episode that everybody thinks of the instant it happens. DON'T PEE ON YOUR KID'S JELLYFISH STING!  The poor kid has been through enough.  You shouldn't pee on an adult either, but if they are asking you to, that's on them.  Peeing on a sting doesn't really help, and can actually release more venom and make things worse, but if you're consenting adults and into that, whatever.

Hot water does the trick, and won't scar the poor kid for life. Soak the sting in hot water (regular shower, not golden) until the pain backs off - 20-30 minutes or so should do it.  There are tons of jellyfish sting products you can buy at any beach store, but a basic hydrocortisone cream/ointment works fine for the itching once the pain wears off.  It should be a part of your beach trip first aid kit just in case.  Also, tweezers, in case you have to remove stingers from the skin.

Most tourist beach areas will have a website or local radio station that will warn you of bad jellyfish situations, or worse, Portuguese Man O' War situations.  PMOW are more painful, and that's probably a better day to stay inside and play cards.

Tom in Houston

…

First of all, we don’t victim blame here at The Gripe Report, but if you’re taking medical advice from episodes of Friends, you deserve every consequence that comes your way.

Alright, so maybe we do victim blame, but if you’re taking these cues from sitcoms at least pick one with a doctor like Becker or The Cosby Show.

…Wait; scratch that last one.

Anyway, I found this message enlightening. I never really got what pee was supposed to do with helping a jellyfish sting. I assumed it had something to do with urea because otherwise, pee is just salty water, and if it was the salty water that helped the jellyfish why not just have someone airmail you another beer while you hang out in the waves?

Seems to me this whole "You’ve got to get someone to pee on your jellyfish sting" thing was cooked up by creeps that have just been itching to unload bladders of gas station coffee on people.

Plus, depending on where you got stung, fellas have the option of peeing on themselves. Still, it was always presented as "someone else needs to pee on you."

I got stung by a jellyfish when I was a kid and thank god I dodged this bullet and the hours of expensive therapy that come with it. I was like nine years old, carvin’ up some bitchin’ breaks on my boogie board, bruh, when all of a sudden my calf started hurting. 

When I got out of the water it was red and I believe the initial assessment from Drs. Mom and Dad was that a wave had thrown sand into my leg.

I bought it, and it wasn’t until probably 8 to 10 years later that I realized it was the work of a jellyfish.

All this to say that no one peed on me that day, so despite the jellyfish sting, I’d consider that experience a net positive.

By the way, I don’t know what it did to deserve it, but is there a more badass name in the animal kingdom than Portuguese Man o’ War? 

I don’t think there is, but if you can think of one let me know: mattreigleoutkick@gmail.com

After spending $100 on a ticket and $15 on a beer, why wouldn't you want to not pay attention to the concert because some idiot brought a beach ball?  (Photo by Andrew Chin/Getty Images)

Beach Balls At Concerts

It's been a while since I've been to a concert (although, I will be seeing Iron Maiden in a few months) and I've forgotten how annoying beachballs at shows can be.

Luckily, Bill in PA was more than happy to remind us.

Beachballs at concerts. This needs to stop. Ushers should get bonuses for seizing and deflating them.  Nobody needs this distraction from a show they paid hundreds of dollars to see. If you don’t monitor the damn ball’s location, you’re going to be the unsuspecting putz that gets wanged in the back of the head by the douche that doesn’t know to hit it UP in the air. Noooooo!!! He spikes it like he’s centering the US Olympic Volleyball team. And the worst case scenario is, you successfully track the ball, and just as you’re about to smack the thing 50 ft in the air, with perfect backspin that blurs the alternating color panels, the drunk in the row behind you stands up and smacks it first, leaving you swiping through the air like a maniac and hitting absolutely NOTHING!

…

I felt this. A few months back, I took an inflatable alien to the back of the head while it was being passed around the stands at a college basketball game. 

I know that's a really strange sentence, but it's true.

Anyway, the way I see it is that a concert beachball is a no-win situation. No one remembers the dude who drilled the ball onstage like Misty May-Treanor, but they will remember the ass who got his glasses knocked off by a speeding Dollar Tree beach ball all because he had the audacity to pay attention to the concert he paid for.

The other situation that Bill mentioned is the one I think keeps me awake at night and that's when the ball is coming for you and as it gets closer the spin or a draft or a taller dude sitting near you climbs the wall and gets it first. 

It's such a fine line between clobbering the ball into the cheap seats and looking like you're trying to bat away the world's largest invisible mosquito.

Also, I don't understand the guy who takes it upon himself to bring the beachball to the concert. You smuggle it past security then sit there and inflate it only to give it one quick tap and you never see it again.

Wow… fun.

Let's keep it moving, people. (Getty Images)

Groups Who Congregate With No Regard For The Rest Of Humanity

This may not come as a surprise given my body of work, but I complain in my everyday life. A lot.

This week, Mike hit on one of the things I complain about the most, and that’s groups of people that will set up shop somewhere without any regard for those around them:

My gripe (this time) is towards people who congregate. Just got back from vacation and noticed it a lot in the airport. Not saying don't congregate, just show some common courtesy. If you're at the airport, theme park, the Coliseum in Rome, and you want to share with your group or just get your bearings, move over to the side. You and your group standing in the middle of the walkway, impeding the normal flow of traffic, is just rude. As a side gripe, if there's two-way traffic in a crowded location, don't try to pass, just wait and go with the flow.

Matt, I imagine you're saving souls by letting us get this off our collective chests.

…

Appreciate the gripe, Mike. I like to think we’ve collectively lowered some blood pressures with this here column.

Anyway, this particular phenomenon, drives me absolutely insane.

Living in Orlando, Florida, I spend a good bit of time at Disney World, and this happens all the time.

You'll be cruising around on one of the main walkways while eating a Mickey pretzel when all of a sudden, the group in front of you slams on the brakes without warning to gameplan or check their phones. Why they don't pull over to an area that isn't — oh, I don't know — right where everyone else is trying to walk beyond me.

I think it's that I'm just so conscious of how wildly inconsiderate it is and go out of my way not to do it, that when it happens to me, I'm ultra-sensitive to it.

Look at it this way: if you're driving and have an issue that needs to be addressed, would you slam on the brakes in the middle of the freeway, or would you pull over to the shoulder or hop off at an exit?

Non-psychos would go to the shoulder or take an exit, and while stopping in high-foot traffic is nowhere near as much of a psycho move as stopping in the middle of a highway would be, it's close.

…

Whew, I'm parched! That was a good round of griping!

What do you say we meet back here — same time, same place — for another one?

In the meantime, keep those gripes a-comin'!: mattreigleoutkick@gmail.com