The Gripe Report: Concert Edition

After a one-week hiatus, The Gripe Report is back for a very special edition… but not like the preachy kind of "special episodes" from ‘70s or ’80s sitcoms where one character gets caught smoking a cigarette.

A real special edition.

Where was I last Friday, aside from not tending to my gripe-ly duties? I was in the great state of Pennsylvania to visit family, but more importantly (just kidding, family) to see the mighty heavy metal machine that is the legendary Iron Maiden in Philadelphia.

Long-time readers may recall me mentioning Maiden a time or two, but they’re my favorite band, so whenever I get a chance to see them do their thing live, I take it.

So, I flew up to PA last week and then headed down to Philly for the Friday night show at the Wells Fargo Center, home of your 1973-74 and 1974-75 Stanley Cup champion Philadelphia Flyers.

The show was incredible, as it always is. I’m not sure how these dudes who are either north of or pushing 70 do it, but they’re still one of the best live acts on the entire planet, and if you’ve seen them before, you know what I’m talking about.

However, this is The Gripe Report, not the Gush About Iron Maiden Report (although if enough people like that idea, I can make it happen).

So, I came home with a few concert gripes. This will be a solo effort this week, but please, send me your gripes — concert-related or otherwise — for next week.

Have a gripe? Send it in: mattreigleoutkick@gmail.com

Alright. Go buy yourself an expensive beer and over-priced t-shirt, and let’s get this show on the road.

If I wanted to watch the show through a smartphone screen I would have stayed home and perused YouTube for free. (Getty Images)

Cameras

This is a divisive topic, but I’m no fan of cameras at concerts.

Sure, grab a little snippet of video to post on social media to rake in those likes and get a little dopamine hit.

But after that, put your phone down so that the handsome writer who stands at nature’s perfect height of 5’10" can see and doesn’t have to watch most of the show through your iPhone screen.

I had this exact thing happen at this Maiden concert. The dude who was in front of me the entire show even had a little grip attachment for his phone.

Yes, the man had specialized equipment for this.

While I was annoyed from start to finish, I got really irritated toward the end of the show.

One of this dude’s friends — who looked like actor Gary Valentine of King of Queens fame with long hair and sounded like the character Mark Hoagies from the Fox animated series Universal Basic Guys — turned to him.

"Aren’t you glad you came with us tonight?" Gary Valentine/Mark Hoagies asked.

Hold the phone: I was willing to give this dude a pass if he was a die-hard Maiden fan and wanted to document the experience. But his friends had to coax him into going and then he spent the night making his own bootleg concert film?!

I get that if you spend all the money on the ticket you should be able to do what you want, but how about enjoying yourself without a phone for a couple of hours?

Trust me, it’s nice.

Go to most concerts or sporting events and you'll see people with signs begging for things. Let's stop that, please.  (Photo by Tasos Katopodis/Getty Images for iHeartMedia)

Signs Asking For Things

Now, I didn’t see this at Maiden — thank God — but I have seen it elsewhere, and seeing as I make the rules ‘round these parts *spits into spittoon* we’re gonna talk about it.

I can’t stand when people show up to concerts with a sign asking for something. "Can I have drumsticks?" "Can you play (insert deep cut)?" "Can I come on stage and play guitar with you?"

I see this at games now too where kids show up with signs asking for pucks or sticks or balls, and it drives me nuts.

I know I sound like the world’s oldest (but most good-looking) 29-year-old dude on the planet, but I hate that people don’t understand the thrill of something happening unexpectedly.

Asking a guitarist for a pick and having him hand it to you is not exhilarating. Do you know what is? Him flicking a pick into the mosh pit and you planting an elbow in some other dude's larynx in a bid to catch it.

You want a story to come with these things. You want to be able to say, "Nicko McBrain threw a pair of Vic Firths in my direction and one clocked me in the orbital bone… but I caught it so who cares?"

You want to save someone’s life by snagging a foul ball that came off the bat in excess of 100 mph, not one the ball boy underhand tossed to you.

Real estate on the floor of a concert venue is at a premium and that's why those with the most endurance shouldn't have to give up their spots to quitters. (Getty Images)

People Who Don’t Abide By Endurance Test Rules

At this Maiden show, I walked onto the Wells Fargo Center floor just after the doors opened and staked claim to my plot of land like I was an 1800s homesteader. 

This is because I wanted the best spot I could find and I was prepared to stand there for about four and a half hours without hardly moving an inch.

The way I see it, being on the floor at a concert is a test of endurance. If you want the best view you need to stand there through the opening band and the headliner, otherwise, it’s to the back of the crowd with you.

The opening band was the Mongolian metal band The Hu.

Not The Who; The Hu. Many a "Who’s On First?" bit occurred because of this.

They were great but when they were done, people started leaving to take leaks and grab a beer.

That’s fine, but don’t expect to get your spot back.

It’s like one of those radio contests where you have to leave your hand on a car. Sure, you can scratch your nose and hit the commode if you have to, but then no car for you.

That's how I felt when these folks tried to trudge their way through the crowd, beer in hand like they had a right to the square-foot of floor real estate they abandoned in search of sustenance.

I did my best to box them out or passive-aggressively hint at my displeasure — "No, bro; that's your spot. It's not your fault you didn't plan your pre-game beers better like the rest of us did." — but there's not much that can be done.

There's just no honor system here.

But the reason I'm so stubborn about this is that I know as well as anyone that especially at a metal show, there's a good chance you'll find yourself at the front again by chance. So why push past people who are playing the endurance game the way it is meant to be played.

Let's all do better on this front.

…

Aaaaaaand that's all I wrote for this week, but we'll do it again next week.

In the meantime, send me your gripes — whether they have to do with concerts or not — and we'll get back to regularly scheduled Gripe Report programming next week.

Send your gripes: mattreigleoutkick@gmail.com