The Gripe Report: Beach Eating, Hotel Clerks, And Road Trip Restroom Power Rankings
I’m always good for some gripes but I’ve got the feeling that I’m about to have a whole lot more in the next couple of days.
I mentioned in the last edition of The Gripe Report (which some are saying was an instant classic) that I’m gearing up for a family trip to North Carolina’s outer Banks.
Good times will be had by all, but somewhere between the inevitability of forgetting something and bracing for whatever adversity a 12-hour journey up I-95 throws at us, I’m prepared to make a couple of deposits in the Gripe Bank, which is what I'm going to start calling the page in my Notes app where I write down things that bother me so my girlfriend doesn't have to be subjected to the… as much.
Anyway, that got me thinking about travel and vacation gripes this week, but we’ll keep it a little on the brief side because someone has to pack his swim trunks for a week of going to the beach and his complaining about how much sand is in my car (*raises hand*).
Speaking of beaches, let’s start with something about the beach that I absolutely abhor...
Were you excited about eating a sandwich on the beach? Too bad; it's his now. (Getty Images)
Eating At The Beach
Now, here’s the thing. I love a beach restaurant, by which I mean a restaurant on or near the beach. Usually, there’s a lot of wood on the inside and a lot of nautical paraphernalia just sitting around. I’m not sure why someone was like, "Hey, you know what people love around them while they’re eating? Ropes," but there’s always an overabundance of rope in those places which always have names like "The Salty ____" or the "The Drunken ____".
Still, I love those places, but I like that they typically provide some sort of cover from the roving gangs of seagulls that are picking off people’s sandwiches on the beach.
I do not under any circumstances eat anything on the beach that isn’t finger food that can be picked up and eaten quickly. I’ll snag a grape or a chip, but if you think I’m going to sit there and eat a turkey sandwich while a bunch of gulls looking on, plotting their attack, you are mistaken.
Sure, it is a big part of that is a life-long fear of birds, but also it’s not the only reason I hoof it back to the hotel or beach house when the lunch bell rings; sand is also an issue.
I'm approaching Anakin Skywalker-levels of hatred for sand.
Is there anything worse than that gritty bite of something and then hearing a grain of sand crunch in your molars? I mean, waking up to a clown hovering over your bed with a rusty meat cleaver might be, but it's close.
"Hello?…Sure, I can talk… I've just got somebody standing here in front of me waiting for his room key." (Getty Images)
Hotel Desk Clerks
A while back, Brad in NC, sent in an extensive takedown of the hotel industry, We talked about a few of his points then, but I think this is as good a time as any to revisit his list and look at another one.
How about this one about hotel desk clerks who answer the phone while you’re trying to check in:
And #1 gripe: front desk clerks who interrupt your in-person check-in process to answer the phone. You are physically at the hotel after driving many miles or standing in lines at TSA and to get on and off the plane. You are tired and want to go to bed or shower or do some work or relax. You should be the priority and your check-in should take only a minute anyway. Instead, you are forced to stand idle while the clerk answers the phone from someone who is already in a room or too lazy to walk down or merely calling from the outside.
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I can understand if this happens if you're staying somewhere where the desk clerk is also responsible for putting out the continental breakfast, cleaning the pool, and general maintenance, but I've had this happen at hotels where the clerk's only job is to get people checked in.
It is a bit on the rude side. It's almost like they need to take a break from you and you're exhausting list of demands for things like an extra set of towels and some K-Cup reinforcements.
I get sometimes things pop up, but part of the problem is the check-in process is so excruciatingly long that it allows more time for calls to come in.
Perhaps I'm naive, but when I say my name, show my ID, and hand you a credit card, can I just have the room key? I've been jonesing for some hotel, "I'm not paying for the water so I might spend an hour in here" showers.
Even when you do quick or virtual check-in you have issues as far as speed. I remember one time my girlfriend and I were in a hotel and did that and we were waiting around for a text or a notification. Hell, we waited so long, I was expecting the word to come via smoke signals or a carrier pigeon.
But nothing came.
So, we went to the desk and they were like, "Oh yeah, you're room is ready" and we had to check in like normal.
What was the point of that?!?! Why did we bother to check in virtually if we had to go to the desk and do it anyway?
Come on hotels, let's get our act together on this.
Not all road trip restroom options are created equal. (Getty Images
Road-Trip Restroom Options Power Rankings
We'll finish up with something that isn't so much of a gripe as it is some sage wisdom (and a way to remind myself when it's time to offload some of the coffee fueling me through this road trip).
Not all restroom options are created equal, so let's quickly run through the best and worst in my humble opinion but feel free to submit yours: mattreigleoutkick@gmail.com
Alright, here we go:
- No. 8) The Gatorade Bottle That Has Been Rolling Around Under Your Seat For Months: this is an absolute worst-case scenario option. No one is hoping for this option, but it's nice if it's there.
- No. 7) Side Of The Road: I like that you can commune with nature, but again, this means that it's either a real emergency or you planned poorly.
- No. 6) Gas Stations That You Wouldn't Order Hot Food From: We need to divide gas stations into two camps. The first — and lesser of the two — is any that you wouldn't get hot food from. Sure, a Slim-Jim or a Tastykake from any gas station will be fine, but that hot dog that has been on the roller since the 2010s? No bueno.So, if they're not taking care of the food, something tells me it's a free-for-all in the bathrooms. Tread lightly.
- No. 5) Public Highway Reststops: Not terrible, but they often feel like they get cleaned whenever someone gets around to it. And that cleaning isn't thorough, it's usually just someone sprays it down with a garden hose and calls it a day.
- No. 4) Fast-Food Joints: You can usually find these anywhere and while the cleanliness varies, I think this is a better option.
- No. 3) Gas Stations That You Would Buy Hot Food From: These are your Wawas, your Sheetz-es-es, your Buc-ees, and their ilk. If you'll happily eat there, you should have no problem hitting the bathrooms there.
- No. 2) Cracker Barrel: This was my family's go-to when I was a kid. They're usually clean, right off the highway, and there's a store with pop guns, candy, and crappy mugs you buy for people when you forget to buy a better gift. Plus, the food is pretty good if you need that.True story: we stopped at Cracker Barrels so much on road trips that I thought their primary purpose was as a bathroom until I was probably 15 or 16. I remember thinking, "Man, look at all these freaks eating lunch at a restroom facility. Turns out I was the freak. Still, great restrooms.
- No. 1) Hotel Lobbies: And finally, are you ready for the most serene bowel and/or bladder evacuation you've ever had away from home? The best option of all. These are pretty much always immaculate, and if anyone asks what you're doing there just say you're checking in or spit out a number that sounds like it could be a room number.
There you go, now you can hit the road and you'll know the best places to stop and take when nature calls.
Now, sing it with me: Holiday RooOOOooooOOOaaad! Holiday RooOOOOooooOOOaaad!
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That's it for this edition of the Gripe Report! Be sure to keep those gripes a-comin'. I'm one of the few people on earth who is happy when their inbox is full of complaints: mattreigleoutkick.com