The Gripe Report: Banana Bread Bananas, Indicators, And The Wildly Overrated 'Forest Gump'

I walked into the kitchen the other day, and I looked into that little corner of the counter — like the counter’s armpit — where my girl and I keep out fruit. I don’t know why, but I feel like this is almost universally fruit real estate.

But what bummed me out was that the bananas I felt like I had just bought were now brown to the point where no one would eat them. I don’t think a chimpanzee would even hear it. You’d hand it that brown wilted banana and he’d throw it aside and give you a disgusted look before he rips off your arms, face, and genitals.

So, I decided to cut my losses and drop them in the trash.

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My girlfriend saw me ready to bid these ‘nanners adieu and stepped in.

"Wait," she said. "I can make banana bread?"

Banana bread, you say? Damn her for knowing baked goods are my kryptonite.

I’m all about banana bread, but this reminded me of the one thing I hate about it: the part where you have to let bananas get all funky first.

Who wouldn't look at these and think, "I should make bread out of those"? (Getty Images)

I understand the why: they’re sweeter and softer. Got it. But it occurred to me that banana bread may be one of the few things that people make as a last resort. 

No one buys bananas and then lets them sit on the counter to get all weird. You buy bananas, forget that you bought bananas, then try to cut your losses with banana bread.

Any other fruit that gets that weird you’d just huck right in the trash, but bananas get to sit there and bleed out before our very eyes, and I don’t like it.

They should have two sections of bananas at the grocery store: the eating kind and then the weird brown banana bread kind. This way, when you’re hankering for some banana bread, you just get those bananas and you’re off to the races, instead of having to have rotting bananas in your kitchen.

Anyway, she did make banana bread muffins and they were great… but it was an ugly road to get there.

Let’s get back on track by revisiting something we talked about last week: Raccoons.

Just as we guessed, raccoons are proving to be polarizing. (Getty Images)

Raccoons Revisted

As I predicted in the previous edition of The Gripe Report. (look at ol’ Matty Nostradamus over here) raccoons more or less divided the room. I’ve selected one response from you lovely gripers that expresses the negative side of raccoons and another for the positive side.

Tom has the floor and will offer a reason why raccoons are bad:

I  live in a suburban environment near a river. I have 3 cats that are accustomed to coming and going from the house as they see fit, so I have a cat door.  I also have a raccoon, that has learned to come in the cat door, go down a flight of stairs to the basement, and eat the dry cat food out of a bowl.   It has also learned to knock over the container of dry cat food in the basement and unlock the latch…spilling dry cat food all over the floor.   One night, I woke up to the sound of the raccoon going through my garbage in the kitchen.

My solution is to lock the cat door at approximately midnight.   This leads to cats meowing outside of my bedroom window at 4:30 AM, because they want to come back inside.  

I really need to trap this rascally raccoon and relocate it a few miles away.  I don’t know what I will do when I start traveling again for work.

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Oh man, that’s one hell of a trash panda problem.

This goes to show the intelligence level we’re dealing with when it comes to raccoons. I mean, figuring out latches and tipping over the cat food container? By animal kingdom standards, raccoons could be in Mensa.

That's a worst-case scenario (short of getting rabies) when it comes to raccoons, so here's to hoping that all works out for Tom.

On the other end of the spectrum, Mark has a decidedly more pro-raccoon take for us:

If you want the full raccoon experience, you have to visit the Alpine Inn located in North Omaha.

Go in get some broasted chicken and potato wedges and wash them down with a cold beverage while waiting for the show to start.

When they take the chicken bones out and dump them on the deck it rains raccoons. And not little ones either, these look like tree-climbing Dobermans.

It’s one of the 3 top things to do in Omaha along with the College World Series and the Henry Doorly Zoo.  Bring the kids, they’ll love it.

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Cold beverages and "tree-climbing Dobermans?" Color me intrigued…

I've never been to Omaha, but I'd like to congratulate the Alpine Inn on joining the to-do list if I'm ever in that neck of the woods. 

That list includes the Zoo, the College World Series, and catching UNO Mavericks college hockey game.

Might take a couple of trips to get that accomplished…

I can't believe we still have to say this but, that paddle near your left hand is there for a reason. Please use it. (Getty Images)

Indicators

Speaking of trips, we're approaching road trip season with Memorial Day — the unofficial start of summer coming on Monday — which means you're going to be encountering some horrendous drivers.

Mike has a gripe about people who refuse to use their "indicators":

Right now, my only real gripe (there's more, but let's start small) are people who don't use their indicators. Notice I didn't say turn signals. They're to be used to indicate your intentions, such as a lane change or an upcoming turn.

…

I appreciate the distinction because, unfortunately, dumb people are allowed to drive, and by calling them "turn signals," dummies have been conditioned to believe they're only necessary when turning.

No-sir-ee-bob…

Use them just about whenever your car is going to do something that isn't going in a straight line.

That includes switching lanes and exiting. That second one throws people. Sometimes the highway curves and makes an exit "straight ahead," but you've still got to hit that indicator, my friend.

I'm an obsessive turn signal guy. In high school, I was voted "Boy Most Likely To Signal Even When Legally It's Not Necessary." 

That's not true, but I do signal a lot.

When I had my learner's permit I conditioned myself to act as though the car would physically not change directions unless I signaled.

It's heroic, yes, and I still do it. In fact, my girlfriend makes fun of me because I even signal in our apartment parking lot.

But hey, if it keeps others safe and me from having to pry one of my neighbors' Goldendoodles off the grill of my car I'm going to keep doing it.

A wax figure of Tom Hanks as Forest Gump from <i>Forest Gump, </i>a movie that is okay at best<i>.</i> (Photo by Axel Koester/Corbis via Getty Images)

Forest Gump (The Movie Not The Guy… Alright, Kind Of The Guy)

Last week, we talked about movie quotes and I mentioned Forest Gump and threw in that I thought it was overrated.

I should be getting my ass out of the office on a Friday afternoon, but one comment in your gripe report couldn't go unmentioned. Forrest Gump is a massively overrated movie, and more people need to admit that. Please don't share if you hear from other readers standing up to you for that take, as it would cause me to question my place in the Outkick community.

Parting thought that might even be a hotter take: behind Forrest Gump on my list are Shawshank and Memento.

…

I didn’t get any response sticking up for Forest Gump, and I think that’s because deep down we all know it’s wildly overrated.

Of course, we need to remember what "overrated" means. It’s not a synonym for "bad." It just means that something isn’t as good as everyone says it is.

And considering a lot of people seem to at least say that they think Forrest Gump is one of the best movies ever made is exactly the point.

It’s fine. That’s it.

It's way too long and takes a lot of emotional cheap shots, but my least favorite part is how it just shamelessly trots out a bunch of things people remember or recognize.

It's the ultimate "member berries" movie. It just throws things at you that you remember from growing up or from history class and that is supposed to excite you. 

"Remember Vietnam?" 

"Remember Elvis?"

"Remember Bear Bryant, Bubba Gump Shrimp, and AIDS?!"

Yes, we all remember those things…

It's exactly what Marvel movies do. You go to see an Iron Man movie and you're supposed to get excited that some other superhero is shooting pool in the background. That's the same deal with pretty much every scene in Forest Gump.

It's a perfectly fine movie, but is it better than Pulp Fiction? That's one of the movies it beat for Best Picture along with Four Weddings and a Funeral, Quiz Show, and The Shawshank Redemption.

Tom Hanks also won for Best Actor (for the second year in a row), and this movie was practically engineered to make that happen. Robert Downey explained this well in a much funnier movie, Tropic Thunder.

All I'm saying is let's pump the brakes on it being considered one of the best movies of all time. It wasn't even the best movie of 1994.

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Wow, I'm parched. That was some mighty fine gripin'. Well done, everybody.

I hope you have a nice and safe Memorial Day weekend and be sure to remember why it's on the calendar in the first place. 

We'll reconvene next week — same Gripe Time, same Gripe Place — and in the meantime, if you've got something bugging you, I want to hear about it: mattreigleoutkick@gmail.com